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Your opinion please - story idea - gene alteration (1 Viewer)

What do you think of this story idea?

  • I like this a lot.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • This is good. But it needs improvement.

    Votes: 6 85.7%
  • This is meh. Just doesn't do it for me.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • This sucketh. I am unintrested in this drivel.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Listen, you have to fix some stuff.

    Votes: 1 14.3%
  • I'll explain in more detail below.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    7

SteveTheAviator

Senior Member
An emotionally alone geneticist must control issues with a company's research subjects. But how does she choose between her life-saving work and a true connection she finds in a dying patient?

That is the log line. The setting is in the near-future and involves a novel global manipulation of genes in live subjects. The project offers genetic answers and even cures, but at the cost of immediate problems in the patient, which must be stabilized to verify the rewards.

--
Are you interested in this?
What intrigues you about it?
What do you dislike. Or foresee disliking?
Is there an opinion on improvement?

Your true thoughts and opinions, please.
 

VRanger

Staff member
Administrator
No concept is brand new, unfortunately. This sort of ethical quandary has been written a lot, and I've seen it done very well. It will be written again, so there's nothing wrong with you being the one to do that. It's not a matter of what we think of your story idea, but how well you pull it off as you write it. In the end, YOU are the one who has to be excited about the story. The more it motivates you, the better.
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
An emotionally alone geneticist must control issues with a company's research subjects. But how does she choose between her life-saving work and a true connection she finds in a dying patient?

That is the log line. The setting is in the near-future and involves a novel global manipulation of genes in live subjects. The project offers genetic answers and even cures, but at the cost of immediate problems in the patient, which must be stabilized to verify the rewards.

--
Are you interested in this?
What intrigues you about it?
What do you dislike. Or foresee disliking?
Is there an opinion on improvement?

Your true thoughts and opinions, please.
Hi, it does read a little rough and overly detailed in the first instance, for me. And I wonder if it needs a touch more oomph, though I think the story concept is all sound. For me, log lines should be a bit sexier, more stylish. Try some examples where it might be just one sentence, or try and keep things a little more general while beefing up the language. Maybe:

When truth and love interfere with the future of mankind, everyone suffers
In a near-future world where science is law, one woman determines the fate of mankind. But what must change when the heart is involved?
A solitary scientist has devoted her life to the genetic advancement of mankind, but when she encounters true love, she must decide what is important.

Something like that, anyway, might help give you some ideas. Here's a couple of handy links:
 

qwuibble

Member
Hi, it does read a little rough and overly detailed in the first instance, for me. And I wonder if it needs a touch more oomph, though I think the story concept is all sound. For me, log lines should be a bit sexier, more stylish. Try some examples where it might be just one sentence, or try and keep things a little more general while beefing up the language. Maybe:

When truth and love interfere with the future of mankind, everyone suffers
In a near-future world where science is law, one woman determines the fate of mankind. But what must change when the heart is involved?
A solitary scientist has devoted her life to the genetic advancement of mankind, but when she encounters true love, she must decide what is important.

Something like that, anyway, might help give you some ideas. Here's a couple of handy links:
dog-earing this for future log lines 👀
 

Matchu

Senior Member
Are you interested in this? I think so, your query was a bit 'rough' so I'm hoping for more eloquence in the final piece or I will be distressed/won't read beyond the first page, soz.

What intrigues you about it? The potential for romance. Possibly crying in bed.

What do you dislike. Or foresee disliking? Clunky prose.

Is there an opinion on improvement? A 2000 word version in the first instance or a first chapter on display so I can urge you on toward great heights. See you :)
 

SteveTheAviator

Senior Member
Oh there's so many ways to do it! Too much and it's a mess; too little and it's generic. Here's a new pass. Content-wise, which story do you find more interesting? This new pass or the first?

In an ethically negative genetics project, a resigned scientist battles the declining health of her subjects and her mortal fear of them. Meanwhile, the pivotal patient requires more than scientific help.

Thanks for the help folks. I'm taking all this inconsideration. It'll be fun to see what pops out.
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
I may be a little bit biased in regards to it. I like it more so now. It could be a good story on survival and on spying and espionage on people's genes. You can say her problem is to try to survive and save people. Her conflict could be turned into a spy problem like in the link in bdcharles post ( the second one). The spy conflict is: Trust no one. Maybe the conflict is she cannot even trust her family or friends. Conflict is how they deal with the problem which can happen in an infinite variety of ways. Problem is the what. The antagonist is all that is a little nebulous. Question whether society ( the insurance institution) is the antagonist of the novel.
 
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SteveTheAviator

Senior Member
I may be a little bit biased in regards to it. I like it more so now. It could be a good story on survival and on spying and espionage on people's genes. You can say her problem is to try to survive and save people. Her conflict could be turned into a spy problem like in the link in bdcharles post ( the second one). The spy conflict is: Trust no one. Maybe the conflict is she cannot even trust her family or friends. Conflict is how they deal with the problem which can happen in an infinite variety of ways. Problem is the what. The antagonist is all that is a little nebulous. Question whether society ( the insurance institution) is the antagonist of the novel.
Oh, yes, I think so. Companies' first concern is money, then covering their buts. The "ethically negative project" sets up an established conflicted setting. It's extra on top of the problems she creates. And seems more realistic.
 
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