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You Don't Belong to Me Anymore (1 Viewer)

CJL4307

Senior Member
You don't belong to me anymore.

Even though my head knows my heart may never understand
Death is easier, its pains mend sooner.
Its grip leaves imprints of finality.
Yours is still there with imprints of apathy.
We were never made for torn souls and unanswered questions.

I remember quiet nights when our skin touched and doubts disappeared.

You were mine forever in just a moment.
Until clocks smashed and eternity fled faster than our shadows under light
Time can never rewind but I still wonder if;

Our skin would touch and forever would no longer be memory.

Would we forget our broken goodbyes?
Tear stained apologies between bitter sobs?
And Imprints of apathy worse than death?

Let's rather remember stretching smiles between graced kiss
Biting lips between belly laughs, tangled fingers and souls.
I thought both were entwined forever.

You don't belong to me anymore
But tell me to rewind the time.

True love let us forget.

True love help us to remember.
 
Last edited:

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
I think I understand the intent ... the spacing between every line makes it more difficult to read. As readers, we use the way a piece is presented to help us know how we should read it. Separating it into lines, each starting with a capital letter ... when you read it aloud, are you reading it line-by-line like that with Shatnerian pauses?
 

CJL4307

Senior Member
Thanks for the feedback. Yes I am reading it with pauses. I will work on spacing to have it read in the same cadence that I would personally use.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I feel like you could lose the first line and the following stanza starting from, “I remember [...]” and in doing so you would have a piece that makes an impact emotionally from the start. There are some really strong and vivid pieces of imagery scattered throughout the piece which really helps connect the reader to the speaker’s emotions.

I would suggest having a look at the lineation as I feel that it lacks consistency to the detriment of the flow and rhythm of the piece,

Really looking forward to seeing this develop.

Cheers

Syd
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
This is more readable now. It's holding together better as a unit.

I do wonder, in all those words, are you telling a story or sharing an insight? How you answer that to yourself might help you tweak. If it's a story, you may want to add some things, and if it's an insight, you might want to trim.

There's two parts to every poem (or every communication, actually). The writer initiates, but the reader interprets. The more precisely you can articulate to yourself what you're trying to get across, the better you'll be able to actually do it. You're putting it on the internet, so you likely are wanting to communicate. I like this iteration better than the first post, and I'm looking forward to the next iteration.
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
The line spacing is far more readable now that you have changed it and it seems to speak of a relationship that had/has intensity.
I particularly noted the reference to "clocks smashed and eternity fled".
A small nit: the two instances if "it's" near the beginning, as possessive it does not take an apostrophe. Only use an apostrophe in its if you are showing a missing letter (usually it is.)
 

CJL4307

Senior Member
@ AJ

Definitely more of a story. I will have to find some ways to flesh it out and bring it together.
 
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