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You and I (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
You and I
In this beautiful world
When no words from me being said
And by you, all those heard

Green grass, blue sky
With you, all hopes high
With laughter inside you,
That I thoroughly feel
And silences inside me
That you break and heal
The moments of togetherness
That we lived and shared
The emotions through the lanes of time
That we bothered and cared
The glimpse of horizon in our chances of thoughts
The glittering in our eyes that our hearts have brought
The two souls wondering about this ocean as wonder
It's ours' only as feel, as our distinct splendour
Want life to be dearly truthful
In this dream of mirage of truth or lie
Magnificent treaure, now treasured inside us
Live like to live or live like to die
You and I
In this beautiful world

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
I enjoyed this- You know how to pace and maintain flow. Nice use of rhyme following an interesting rhyme scheme. I like how you use short lines transitioning to long lines back to short while maintaining flow and rhythm -well done. Nce message as well.

welcome to poets showcase- it's a pleasure to read your work...


warmest
bob
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
You and I
In this beautiful world
When no words from me being said
And by you, all those heard

Green grass, blue sky
With you, all hopes high
With laughter inside you,
That I thoroughly feel
And silences inside me
That you break and heal
The moments of togetherness
That we lived and shared
The emotions through the lanes of time
That we bothered and cared
The glimpse of horizon in our chances of thoughts
The glittering in our eyes that our hearts have brought
The two souls wondering about this ocean as wonder
It's ours' only as feel, as our distinct splendour
Want life to be dearly truthful
In this dream of mirage of truth or lie
Magnificent treaure, now treasured inside us
Live like to live or live like to die
You and I
In this beautiful world

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal


There are a few lines in this poem that are spectacular..... like these lines:
" and silences inside me
that you break and heal"... excellent !

I love your opening line, " you and I in this beautiful world".. it sounds so innocent and vulnerable... and especially now, at a time when the entire world is in such utter chaos... so, for me, this line was powerful and poignant....

Pay attention to your spelling! This is a writing forum, so check and double check... it matters...

work on your imagery, you wrote "green grass, blue sky"... this is a perfect opportunity to give your reader something different...

I think you have a special way of expressing yourself and I love that, so take my critique as a tool and think about it, this poem could be so much more powerful if you take the time to think about EVERY word...

Thank you for sharing your work, it is a pleasure to read ;)
 
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