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xmas(3) (1 Viewer)

dannyboy

WF Veterans
edit 1:

xmas(3)

Stillness after the explosion,
shredded paper, tape recollects
clutching things within,
lost now to the light, the secret is out.

Sit on the floor, chairs taken
by bigger bodies, one brother shows a shirt
that will never be worn, another a book
or a new record by the wrong band.

Some already gather the scraps…

Promises never fulfil; the harvest
lost, replaced with bright colours,
tinsel wrapped boxes, bows
that hold nothing, good things
only become apparent in later years –
none came gift wrapped.


*****************************************



After the explosion…stillness,
paper torn, tape remembers
clutching things within,
lost now to the light, the secret is out.

Sit on the floor, chairs taken
by bigger bodies, one brother shows a shirt
that will never be worn, another a book
or a new record by the wrong band.

Some already gather the scraps…

Promises never fulfil; the harvest
has been lost, replaced with bright colours,
tinsel wrapped boxes, bows
that hold nothing, good things
only become apparent in later years –
none came gift wrapped.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Enjoyed this one a lot, it’s very reminiscent of Christmas mornings that I’m sure a lot of us have experienced. Really, really like this idea of harvest in the final stanza, for me it has double meaning in that you could argue that the harvest is the gifts or perhaps the shared familial experience.

I have but one niggle, in stanza one I find the positioning of stillness a little jarring for me I’d personally give it a line of its own. Also for some reason I find the use of torn when elaborating on the stillness a little jarring, I just feel like it is an active word rather than a passive one. I get that it’s trying to describe the fate of wrapping paper, but it just doesn’t sit well for me. Maybe I’m just being picky.

Anyway, like I said, really enjoyed this piece.

Cheers

Syd
 

dannyboy

WF Veterans
I have a couple of thoughts Syd, I agree with torn, stillness, I wonder if that started the first stanza? I'll play around tonight.

Thanks you for the feedback,

Danny
 

stony

Senior Member
I enjoyed this a lot, Danny. You painted a great picture I could see clearly with my mind's eye. I felt that last stanza as well. Thank you for sharing!
 

apple

WF Veterans
I prefer the first version. "After the explosion...stillness." but "chairs taken by bigger bodies" seemed clunky in relation to the first line and the following ones. (I just tried to think of another way to say the bigger bodies line, but I couldn't. haha. But some of the luscious, distinctive ways you are able to enhance the core of your stories seem a little sparse. I feel awful sounding so negative, but to me you have set the bar for yourself... pardon the cliche...higher than a kite.
 

dannyboy

WF Veterans
its okay apple, there is nothing negative, not all of these will work. At this point I am trying to record as many of these 'fragment childhood" poems as possible - from there the poems will diverge - I can see a set of poems really being for my siblings and me, like a poetic photo album that would bore the pants off most others, but the other lot of poems I hope make a really interesting album that everyone will enjoy.
 
Last edited:

apple

WF Veterans
Thanks danny, I love the idea of fragments of childhood poems for your family. That is a loving thing to do. It may be passed down in your family for ages. Maybe stored in an old trunk at your great great great grandchildren's home on the moon.
 
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