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xmas (2) (1 Viewer)

dannyboy

WF Veterans
This particular, a plum
on the thumb, look at it,
hot already even though it's only 8:00am,
church
and the rules this family stand by
is over
we rush in, children a wave of energy
twin parents, particles of calm,

to the door, to the sliding wooden door, to the door
that leads to the tree
and the presents beneath.

This year when dad slides back the door
a surprise – there is always a surprise but this year
the plum is mine!

A bike, a blue bike, 24”, mine – must be mine
the rest have their bikes only me destined to walk everywhere
or ride the handed down tricycle. This 24’ blue is no handed to me down,
it is new, shines; a dream
before the day shatters the mind with reality.

Freedom is movement
the ability to move further, faster,
brings more freedom – the stretch towards
adulthood beckoned that morning at 8:am.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Another strong piece, really like the emotion of the piece and they way in which you have created a piece that we can all relate to.

I do find the staccato nature of stanza one and the way it has been laid out to be a little jarring but that’s a small criticism.

Cheers

Syd
 

dannyboy

WF Veterans
Hi Syd, I glad you picjked up on the jarring nature of the 1st - its how it always felt before the door was opened, the waiting, nothing was settled, everything just got in the way of the "event". As you get old is the pre-and post that I came to love most of all - but not when i was a kid.
 

apple

WF Veterans
Danny, I don't quite understand what I'm supposed to feel (here I go again about feeling) in this poem. You are telling me a Christmas day story more than showing. Honestly I don't get the fuzzy connection I can usually get with your stuff.
 

stony

Senior Member
I'd really like to see more imagery and less repeated words. I think repeated words have a place and a purpose but I feel it's wasted here when better words could bring me into the moment you are describing. You might explore the possibilities of conveying the sliding door and the glory of a new bike to a young boy a little more deeply. It's a great moment and I like the plumb metaphor in the middle but the picture in my mind is fuzzy.

Hope that's helpful, Danny.

- stony
 

dannyboy

WF Veterans
ta stony, its that balance between some short snippets and longer poems. xmas 1 2 3 (and maybe more?) are actually all 1 poem...sort of.
 
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