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Wunder - Continued 1 (1 Viewer)

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Continued from Wunder - Intro. into Ch. 1...

There was no exit in sight except for back up the chute, but I saw no controls. The cavernous room looked like it spanned miles into endless amounts of tunnels. The smell of booze filled my nose with every breath. The air was dense with steam and sweat, with machines pumping in every direction. The workers furiously pulled levers and lifted crates severely taxing their arms and legs. No wonder they were all solid muscle.

Two peculiar tunnels lay opposite one another with extra personnel guarding in full awareness. Each guard is armed with excessive weaponry, faces unchanging from the activity surrounding them. One of them must be the entrance I thought. The other tunnel is possibly a storage room for whatever they were hauling around in crates by the thousand. Turning my head to survey the area was extremely painful. They must have knocked me out cold. Sabin notices my sluggish recovery and slowly approaches.

“What is this all about?” I confusedly ask.

As Sabin inches closer his appearance shifts. His skin tints to a reddish tone and his teeth grind together. His brows tilt inward as his expression turns into a snarling rage. A blackened gaze comes upon me that sends shivers down my spine.

He takes a moment to collect his thoughts, and then begins. “Nature has an order for how things work ya’ know. Getting in the way of that causes a lot of issues for the people that slave over keeping this system intact. You will bleed your ignorance. Do you believe in freedom? That is fucking adorable. We have been watching your thoughtless actions since you were born. Sleeping around, degrading young women and breaking hearts. I should stick my fist through your chest and squeeze out every vein and valve that pumps your intoxicated blood through you. Taking what isn't yours… telling lies to your family and friends… it seems fame and fortune is your priority. I will personally make sure that doesn’t happen for as long as I am breathing. And when I die, I will resurrect and come back to put you right back in the cold miserable place you belong. Are you terrified? Good. Remember this avowal, let these words soak deeply into your mind, and accept that your past has been merely an illusion. Welcome to the real world. This is your awakening.”

By the end of this threat he had purposely drenched me in his spit from stiff punctuation. I cried and cried. Suddenly I missed fresh air, sunlight, people and places from my childhood. It seems that I have finally met the demon that would break me down brick by brick. Nothing made sense and I refused to believe in the reality of the situation. When I was all out of tears my blood ran cold and my cataracts sunk in adjusting to the bleak cavern. An overwhelming emptiness took power over me as Sabin grinned in my direction standing arrogantly upright.

“That’s right. Let it all go.” He insisted.

My body feels numb. Emotions are nonexistent.

“Now let me tell you what happens next.” He grabs me by the arm and begins dragging me through the closest tunnel into an office like chamber.

“You will learn what we do here and you will like it. Those machines you see are creating hundreds of poisons that you people call ‘spirits’. We have been pumping these spirits through people for over a thousand years, slowing down the population physically and mentally. This allows people in my league to stay superior. Prohibition was just a circus for us as you can imagine. A lot of people had entire family trees chopped down trying to pull that off. This happened more times than you can imagine, and we continue to crush the interference. Unfortunately we still have to pay off the big man. Playing with the books down here will get you in a ditch full of worms fast. I know that you are quite the academic nut and have a knack for mathematics, so congratulations you are hired. Crunch these numbers and when I tell you to deliver the package, you deliver the package. No questions. Now sit and get started, hope you don’t mind the coffee we don’t have.” He cackles and walks away.

Immediately after sitting down the cushioned metal chair cranked and spewed releasing two steel hoops that bound me by the ankles. Looks like I have no other choice but to sift through this seemingly disorganized paperwork for eternity. The pile consisted of past contracts, old statements, personal bills, miscellaneous finances, accounts receivable and accounts payable. There was no order to the mess which made me wonder who had been occupying this seat before me.

A land-line phone hung from the corner of the large metal desk flaunting hundreds of communication terminals. Fifty or so terminals were flashing rapidly already with demanding clients. It was too hasty of Sabin to have me start falsely verifying his records via phone. I continued to assess the work-space a bit longer instead.

A dozen identical chambers continued into the echoing distance. Suited men, famished and exhausted, also ankle bound hung onto their desks for dear life. A few of them were questionably still living by the lack of movement and pungent smell that carried into the deeper chambers. It was so pitiful that I wanted to laugh at the whole ordeal. I would rather die than be ruled by a shameless dictator. In due time, I told myself.

Under a stack of redirected envelopes was a leather-bound ledger. I pulled it in front of myself and flipped the heavy cover open, clearing off the dust that coated it for some time. Turning to the most recent page about halfway through, the penman apparently lost control of his writing as the line traveled from the debit column into the credit column then off of the page entirely. Something must have happened to the poor accountant. At the bottom of the page scribed: Turn to page 432. I took note of this memo on a small piece of paper and shoved it into the messy drawer for future investigation.

To be continued...:shock::cower::hurt::upset:
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Senior Member
How on earth did you come to the decision that the music syncs with this piece of writing?


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This is what I was listening to while writing it. Wasn't sure if it would help some people understand the mood shifts from tranquil, to ominous, to melancholy. I understand now it is something I should keep to myself to prevent confusion for the reader.

Thanks and Happy New Year!


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The text here is closely written. You might consider this an early draft, then subdivide this text into three parts and expand those. Ch. 1: The venue until Sabin appears. / Ch. 2: Sabin discusses the way this world works. / Ch. 3: Introduction to the clerical world where he will spend his time (or eternity, as he thinks). All this subdividing is a compliment to the richness of your thought, but a concession to readers who do not do well with dense exposition.

You excel me so much in handling imagery that you may not notice your skill. (But I do -- I am a verbalizer rather than a visualizer.) I noted these passages among many others. "faces unchanging from the activity surrounding them." ... or ... "Let these words soak deeply into your mind." ... or... "I pulled it in front of myself and flipped the heavy cover open, clearing off the dust that coated it for some time."

Faces unchanging, words sinking deeply, the dust that coated it -- these details work because the reader can see what you are describing.

Your writing is facile, but shows indications that it hasn't been reread and edited. Reading aloud is an excellent way to catch phrases to come from your pen easily but don't work. Two examples. "it spanned miles into" -- it sounds better as "spanned across miles." "metal chair cranked and spewed releasing" is vivid, but reads more naturally with a comma after spewed. See? Small touches, but such changes give the reader an easier time.

Fiction like this is far from my present life, but I grew up reading SF and never forget it. I can say, therefore, that to me this is a grand entry into a fascinating world. I hope to be reading on as the book (or some other novel) continues.

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