Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Writing about joy in brain (2 Viewers)

Status
Not open for further replies.

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Hello.

I intend to write about what happens when we experience pleasure in a semi-dramatic, humorous manner.

I specifically want to write about how hormones operate in body.

I chose pizza!

Is this sentence correct? How well does it work?

He grabbed a slice and slowly pulled it towards his mouth. Upon the first bite, endorphin and dopamine whizzed in his neuro-pathways. The pleasure center in his brain was alight.
Or this:
Endorphin and dopamine rush to the pleasure center in his brain.


How would you put it?
 

luckyscars

WF Veterans
Hello.

I intend to write about what happens when we experience pleasure in a semi-dramatic, humorous manner.

I specifically want to write about how hormones operate in body.

I chose pizza!

Is this sentence correct? How well does it work?

He grabbed a slice and slowly pulled it towards his mouth. Upon the first bite, endorphin and dopamine whizzed in his neuro-pathways. The pleasure center in his brain was alight.
Or this:
Endorphin and dopamine rush to the pleasure center in his brain.


How would you put it?

Trying too hard, for me. I personally find the use of scientific terms to describe emotional experiences amateurish. Whose voice is this? If it's a neuro-scientist, maybe. Anybody else? No. Don't try too hard.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Trying too hard, for me. I personally find the use of scientific terms to describe emotional experiences amateurish. Whose voice is this? If it's a neuro-scientist, maybe. Anybody else? No. Don't try too hard.

As I said in the first post, it's supposed to be kind of humorous. A character loves pizza and another character is bantering with him and wants to describe the process of enjoying in the brain in an exaggerated way.
 

luckyscars

WF Veterans
As I said in the first post, it's supposed to be kind of humorous. A character loves pizza and another character is bantering with him and wants to describe the process of enjoying in the brain in an exaggerated way.

I get that. My question is, why would that interaction be happening? Because I can't see it, it's hard for me to grasp the humor. Maybe in a full context it would work better. I just don't personally know anybody who mentions 'pleasure centers', etc in the course of casual banter. But again, context is everything.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
I get that. My question is, why would that interaction be happening? Because I can't see it, it's hard for me to grasp the humor. Maybe in a full context it would work better. I just don't personally know anybody who mentions 'pleasure centers', etc in the course of casual banter. But again, context is everything.

Yes. It sounds weird out of context.

So, how can I improve these?

He grabbed a slice and slowly pulled it towards his mouth. Upon the first bite, endorphin and dopamine whizzed in his neuro-pathways. The pleasure center in his brain was alight.

Endorphin and dopamine rush to the pleasure center in his brain.
 

epimetheus

Friends of WF
Is this for a work of fiction drawing on science or popular science drawing on a little narrative to aid visualisation/understanding?

Either way, 'pulling pizza towards his mouth' sounds odd.
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
Hello.

I intend to write about what happens when we experience pleasure in a semi-dramatic, humorous manner.

I specifically want to write about how hormones operate in body.

I chose pizza!

Is this sentence correct? How well does it work?

He grabbed a slice and slowly pulled it towards his mouth. Upon the first bite, endorphin and dopamine whizzed in his neuro-pathways. The pleasure center in his brain was alight.
Or this:
Endorphin and dopamine rush to the pleasure center in his brain.


How would you put it?

Very timely for me, I just had my favourite Hawaiian pizza last night. And yes, I can totally relate to the endorphine rush! But I'm going to push you on this. It's a good start, but it's not as humurous as it could be. I favour the more concise sentense, but I don't think you need both endorphine and dopamine. I think the term endorphins is more commonly known as an instant rush. Like runners's high.

Can you try a third option?
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Is this for a work of fiction drawing on science or popular science drawing on a little narrative to aid visualisation/understanding?

Either way, 'pulling pizza towards his mouth' sounds odd.

It's fiction. A person really loves pizza but he can't have it. His friend who is a scientist goes through what happens when he has pizza to tease him.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Very timely for me, I just had my favourite Hawaiian pizza last night. And yes, I can totally relate to the endorphine rush! But I'm going to push you on this. It's a good start, but it's not as humurous as it could be. I favour the more concise sentense, but I don't think you need both endorphine and dopamine. I think the term endorphins is more commonly known as an instant rush. Like runners's high.

Can you try a third option?

Okay. What about this?

All his nerves of pleasure are alight when he has pizza.
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
Okay. What about this?

All his nerves of pleasure are alight when he has pizza.

Ok, but I think in another post you say that his friend who is a scientist "goes through" what happens when he eats pizza to tease him. Then shouldn't this be in action or dialogue form? Right now it sounds like an inner thought.

For example:

He pulled a gooey wedge from the pizza, and held it high over his mouth as he tipped his head back. He bit off the corner wrapping his tongue around the strings of cheese that followed. He smacked his lips chewing while letting out a climactic moan. After gulping, he explained, "Endorphines act on the opiate receptors in our brains when we eat pizza causing a boost in pleasure."
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Ok, but I think in another post you say that his friend who is a scientist "goes through" what happens when he eats pizza to tease him. Then shouldn't this be in action or dialogue form? Right now it sounds like an inner thought.

For example:

He pulled a gooey wedge from the pizza, and held it high over his mouth as he tipped his head back. He bit off the corner wrapping his tongue around the strings of cheese that followed. He smacked his lips chewing while letting out a climactic moan. After gulping, he explained, "Endorphines act on the opiate receptors in our brains when we eat pizza causing a boost in pleasure."

Aha. That's more like it.
 

Matchu

Senior Member
I quite liked the original. Delete ‘slowly’ and replace ‘alight’ with ‘enflamed’ ?
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
Ahhh pizza. The lockdown food of delights. Easy to pimp up and it slips easily under your door.
The smell. Like Pavlov's dogs my mouth waters. Accompanied by Stumble & Dingbats Old Brain Scrambler. Heaven...
 

Matchu

Senior Member
Romeo pummelled the flour and water combination. Across the city honking oafs soon feasted on rustic simplicity, bellies swollen on loaf, plus cola bubbles.

’Bubbles’ said Romeo to his chimp.

Bubbles leaped upon the moped, hirsute ape held a dozen pizza boxes wedged in a hirsute bra. He rolled the throttle.
 

alpacinoutd

Senior Member
Suggestion:

I'm happy to be in a forum with generous members. Or,

I'm happy to be in this forum with generous members. :)

I'm envious that you speak another language.

Yes. It was a typo. I'm happy to be in such a generous forum.;)

Bilingualism is a tad overrated! I really love English and I aspire to acquire the highest level of proficiency and creativity in it.
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
Yes. It was a typo. I'm happy to be in such a generous forum.;)

Bilingualism is a tad overrated! I really love English and I aspire to acquire the highest level of proficiency and creativity in it.

Sorry to assume, I hope I didn't overstep. I was reading your signature when I wrote that. But if you are billingual, then I'm still jealous!!
 

MistWolf

Senior Member
Dr. Strangeglove opened the box reverently, leaned forward and inhaled the intoxicating aroma. "Ahh, that's the stuff. I know you've taken a vow of chastity but I- I shall drown myself in endorphins as I masticate on my pizza. But first, I must admire this little beauty, give in to the chemistry that arouses the appetite. I don't mind if you indulge your inner voyeur while I do. The irony of you watching as you masticate on a carrot stick is delicious. They say carrots are good for the eyes."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top