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Wop Wop Wop, What's goin? (Language Warning) (1 Viewer)

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Language Warning


Red hair?

Mexican tan, not fair.
Pretty sure she'll get stares.
Cousins got the music on;
It's not my usual sing-a-long.
Unicorns on the tv,
When i take a peek,
Demi's on keek.

I'm feelin really sleepy,
But God damn i gained a pound.
Now i've got a frown.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Vitaly Ana

WF Veterans
This is a nice lyrical form of poetry. I will say, to me these words seem more a piece of a song than a poem but overall, very nice start! :)
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
why thankyou! :D
i do like sing-songy type word strings and i didn't even intend for it to be like lyrics this time! that's cool! typically if i have any idea for anything i write like rap/rhyme sort of things maybe thats why its like that haha.
what makes a poem a poem and not a song?
 

jack2

Senior Member
Hi Lolita, trying to answer the question "What makes a poem a poem and not a song?" I read that a lousy poem can make a good song and an excellent poem might make a lousy song. However, I believe that most songs (excluding opera lyrics) are no more than ditties set to a melody, often with a chorus. Admitting that some short poems do have the sing-song lyrical quality, I have yet to see a Shakespearean Sonnet turned into a hit song.
Actually, as I read your lines, I can hear the rap. Quite cute, actually. Best to you, Jack
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
lol teenage angst where??? and i didn't edit out anything Fin the moderator just added the "language warning" to it because i have god damn.
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
I know! I've tried setting music to some poems and it just doesn't work even if they have a good rhythm. Then again some song lyrics i read and try to come up with a new melody myself, is really hard sometimes! I was reading some rihanna lyrics without the melody and they totally sucked! I couldn't think of any melody to set them to but when I play the song its like wow i can't believe they made a good song out of these lyrics.
And cute? What was cute, elaborate :)
Also i can't help but make things rap soemtimes its kinda weird! Im in a rapping loop
 

ToBeInspired

Senior Member
Hmm, the first three lines remind me of someone in real life. I tend to always smile when I think of her, so I'll go with an I like it. I got lost at the line "Demi's on keek." Probably needed prior knowledge to interpret?

I believe the "teenage angst" post was relating to your last three lines. The whole "gain a pound" thing. I don't mind it, it obviously relates to you. If you prefer a lyrical style you may want to try your hands on a song. I'm afraid I lean to the more poetic and less to the lyrical. I'm hoping to get a few songs out sometime though. I just have to start sometime, hah.

Good Luck,
ToBeInspired
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Lol yea demi is a celebrity. And keek i guess is a video posting site? I'm glad something in this made you feel good!
This poem/rap whatever was something random i made during and about when i was spending the night at my cousins.
Maybe it's the whole childish tone it has in general that gives it that "angst" lol
I do want to work towards organizing my thoughts better so i can herd them all into one cohesive song.
And in general be able to express my ideas/feelings into words. Theres a lot of people on here who do that so well already!
Also! if you ever get around to testing out song lyrics i'd like to see :D
 

ToBeInspired

Senior Member
Oh, I will. It'll come out all at once, but I just haven't found the motivation yet. I'll be in Bolivia, volunteering at an animal refuge, for over a month... writing will fill my nights. Currently I'm a VERY busy person. I try to fit as much writing in as possible, since it's my current passion, but it's piece-meal. I get my 3-month vacation, starting in December, but 80-120hr weeks fill a lot of my time, hah. I had a few interesting conversations tonight, but nothing inspiring. I have a good memory, but I'll add you regardless. Maybe your lyrical sense of writing will lead to some inspiration after-all. I go out to karaoke bars, so you'd think I'd have some skill. I feel it's just like that first roller coaster of the day... a little apprehension, but once you get on the first one it all goes away.

Thanks for the Encouragement,
ToBeInspired
 

Lewdog

WF Veterans
Yes this poem reminds me of times in my early years when trivial things hit me harder than they do now. Jealousy is one of those things in life you have to build up a callous to, we aren't born with the walls to shut it out. The way the poem reads also plays deeply into a developing mind that jumps from one thought to another, with the most recent things taking precedent over the others. Think about the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind." Good job, the only negative thing I would say about it, is I think it needs a stronger ending. The way modern society has forced young girls to try to fit into an image of looks, just a frown sounds so under played. I knew some girls that would literally have almost an emotional break down over gaining a pound.

How about:

Now I've got a frown.
Time to sweat and cry,
Until I fit into my Spykars again.

You can substitute a different brand of jeans or whatever, but I think you get the point.
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Oh, I will. It'll come out all at once, but I just haven't found the motivation yet. I'll be in Bolivia, volunteering at an animal refuge, for over a month... writing will fill my nights. Currently I'm a VERY busy person. I try to fit as much writing in as possible, since it's my current passion, but it's piece-meal. I get my 3-month vacation, starting in December, but 80-120hr weeks fill a lot of my time, hah. I had a few interesting conversations tonight, but nothing inspiring. I have a good memory, but I'll add you regardless. Maybe your lyrical sense of writing will lead to some inspiration after-all. I go out to karaoke bars, so you'd think I'd have some skill. I feel it's just like that first roller coaster of the day... a little apprehension, but once you get on the first one it all goes away.

Thanks for the Encouragement,
ToBeInspired

Hooray!!! I think anything can be inspiration. And BOLIVIA! Wow! I recently read about some mennonites who live there in Bolivia and some terrible things happened to them.
Are you going as part of a religious organization? This sounds like a big adventureeee! i'm sure you'll have tonnes of time for writing. :) I hope you have a safe adventure
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
Yes this poem reminds me of times in my early years when trivial things hit me harder than they do now. Jealousy is one of those things in life you have to build up a callous to, we aren't born with the walls to shut it out. The way the poem reads also plays deeply into a developing mind that jumps from one thought to another, with the most recent things taking precedent over the others. Think about the saying, "Out of sight, out of mind." Good job, the only negative thing I would say about it, is I think it needs a stronger ending. The way modern society has forced young girls to try to fit into an image of looks, just a frown sounds so under played. I knew some girls that would literally have almost an emotional break down over gaining a pound.

How about:

Now I've got a frown.
Time to sweat and cry,
Until I fit into my Spykars again.

You can substitute a different brand of jeans or whatever, but I think you get the point.


I'm really not a teenager lol I dunno if i should be admitting that or not? heh
What do you mean by bringing up jealousy? (also i just noticed lousy is in that word) I didn't mention any jealousness did i!?
I do have a pretty scrambled head. I'm not sure i want to rein my mind in too much, but i do think i need some organization up in there!
I agree i don't like the ending i'm terrible with them! Although i disagree with the whole bit about society girls eating disorders etc...
being underplayed here as i was speaking only for myself. I know people have problems but that's not me so i'm not going to write about something
just because it may seem more correct for others as opposed to myself. My writings usually pertain to only me lol
Although i believe being able to have writings that relate to a whole grip of people makes you popular (god im listening to rihanna and i had to shut up the music just to think!)
and edible but I want to stay true to myself....which hurts a little lol especially when it alienates me from everyone.
I think right now i need to get the basics down before i can start manipulating words/ideas into bigger pieces that would be more audience approved as well as pleasing to myself.
Also, since i have no experience with that sort of eating disorder, which is really tragic, I don't feel comfortable writing about it since it would be unnatural coming from me. Unless i researched it more i could see me doing that for any topic if i cared enough. I dont wanna force anythin. I don't want disingenuous blabber in my writings.
On the other hand you might have meant that sarcastically? Sarcasm is hard to read :p Also in general i'm terrible at it/understanding it.
Also i wrote about exactly what happened the night i was at my cousins, so i didn't intend to write what wasn't.
I like your response/critique either way. :)
and i like yur kiiiiittty! =^.^=
 

Lewdog

WF Veterans
I really didn't mean it to be an eating disorder as much as I was snowballing on your idea that just a one pound weight gain made you sad. I'm sorry if I came across more hardcore than I meant to when it came to that.

You're right that when writing about personalities it is best to stick with what you know intimately. With that said, just because you write about issues that you don't have yourself, doesn't necessarily mean you've sold yourself out just to create pieces that can amuse the masses. It just means you can start to relate and understand that there is a world outside of your own.
 

LolitaFromSpace

Senior Member
I really didn't mean it to be an eating disorder as much as I was snowballing on your idea that just a one pound weight gain made you sad. I'm sorry if I came across more hardcore than I meant to when it came to that.

You're right that when writing about personalities it is best to stick with what you know intimately. With that said, just because you write about issues that you don't have yourself, doesn't necessarily mean you've sold yourself out just to create pieces that can amuse the masses. It just means you can start to relate and understand that there is a world outside of your own.


"means you can start to relate and understand that there is a world outside of your own"
thats a good point. I think that's definitely something to work on. :)
and i didn't think you were hardcore sounding lol. i think my frown is a bit misconstrued as sad but i meant it like an annoyance at myself because i'm trying to stick to a plan on being healthy.clarity claaarrrrity! I'll work on that too lol although lots of "great" literature contains vagueness.>.>
Im straightforward mostly anyway psh.
and vaguee is mysterious. hmmmmm
 

ToBeInspired

Senior Member
Hooray!!! I think anything can be inspiration. And BOLIVIA! Wow! I recently read about some mennonites who live there in Bolivia and some terrible things happened to them.
Are you going as part of a religious organization? This sounds like a big adventureeee! i'm sure you'll have tonnes of time for writing. :) I hope you have a safe adventure

No, it's just a program to help protect the natural wild-life. They rescue mistreated animals, fight against poachers, etc. Three different refuges each with different types of animals. There's one for cats (jaguars, lions, etc.), another for primates, and the last is an assorted I guess? (tapirs, bears, etc.)

Mennonites, huh? I helped rebuild houses in New Orleans with that organization. I wasn't associated with them, but they gave me a place to stay and food to eat (had to help with chores of course) for a week. Was a fun experience, got to be in town during a Jazz festival.

Saw you say what a cute kitty earlier. I want to say the same to the one that's jumping on my head and pouncing everywhere right now, hah. Was out in Jacksonville, with some friends, and saw a stray kitten (about a month old). Picked him up, canceled my plans (well sat in the car caring for it for a few hours till my friends decided to leave), and took him home. Was a little feral at first and really shy. Two days later, after my loving attention and it's beyond rambunctious. Already found a home for it, but I'm going to miss... leaves today. Ah well, can't get a kitten before I leave the country. Ah well, saved its life and got it a good home. First little jungle kitty (its orange and with all the crazy pouncing I'm thinking of like a tiger) I get to take care of. Good practice.

Have Fun,
ToBeInspired
 

candid petunia

Retired Supervisor
Back on topic, folks. Remember the thread is for feedback on the poem posted here. :) Any other conversations can be taken to visitor messages or private messages.
 
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