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Winter in February (1 Viewer)

Lyn

Member
It’s a sunny winter February afternoon.
It’s cold and dry.
I can feel the combination
piercing into my cheekbone like I’m getting a frostbite.

It’s that kind of cold when you’ve been outside for too long,
the core of your thighs are freezing but your hands are warm.
It’s sunny and you can see when you breath out, The air fogs up.
The warmth of the sun lands gently on your face.
Its eerily quiet and it’s comforting to hear the snow crunch under your heel.

At one particular moment,
I was running.
My mind is lost.
I can’t remember my name.
I’m in shock.
My heart is pounding.
My ears are ringing.
My eyes are puffy from crying so hard.
The tears on my lashes have frozen.

My lungs burn because I’m running so fast
But that’s not the worst pain.
My throat is scratched and wounded from crying so loud
But that’s not the worst pain.
My head is pounding from crying so hard
But that’s not the worst pain.

My heart feels pierced , my head hit
by this reality i can’t yet accept.

I look up at the sky.

I’m sorry, I cry.

I’m so sorry

I didn’t know, I cry.

I wish I did more.

But it’s too late.

I loved you.

Why didn’t you call me ?
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

What I like most about this piece is the clear delivery and the way in which you draw the reader in and share exactly what the speaker is feeling physically, it helps to create a strong sense of space and place in the first stanza. This helps to ground the piece. Structurally I think stanza two could have shorter lineation and that would help both aesthetically but also slow the rhythm and pacing of the piece down giving the reader more time to absorb what’s going on.

Finally for me, as I see it the emotion of the denouement is lost in the dialogue lines, I don’t feel the pain of the speaker. I see it because that’s what the poem is telling me to see but it’s almost like watching a movie on mute. I want the piece to make me feel as well as see what the speaker does.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 
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