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Why? (1 Viewer)

So I drown my sorrows and regrets.. every sip brings me a little closer to forgetfulness.. I don't understand why I act the way I do.. why I always yarn for something new.. why something so perfect feels so empty.. why do I chose to destroy the thing I want so bad. Why is it that the thing I once craved begins to fade away.. why my attentions change. I don't understand why I'm in love with a dream and the reality never lives up.. so I destroy and forget.. then regret.. I forget the good.. I forget the bad.. but something new has no past, no present.. no good, no bad.. I know what I miss now "passion" something so basic but so necessary.. I yarn for the excitement, the challenge, the unpredictability.. change.. have I changed, why!!!! Why think this way... why behave this way.. why hurt the one person that truly cares..
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is an emotive piece and I as a reader appreciate the honesty of it. Where you lose me is that I feel like there isn’t enough poetic urgency for me, it feels fragmented structurally where I think you want to create flow and a more stream of consciousness like feel to how it reads. To get around this, if you have created they effect you want, then I would suggest adopting more traditional stanzas, that way you can use enjambement etc., to really dig down into the fragmented nature of the imagery.

I just feel like this is a piece of spontaneous writing that is yet to see the editing room, but I do look forward to where you go with it.

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor

So I drown my sorrows and regrets..
every sip brings me a little closer to forgetfulness..
I don't understand why
I act the way I do..
why I always yarn for something new..

why something so perfect feels so empty..
why do I chose to destroy the thing I want so bad.
Why is it that the thing I once craved begins to fade away..
why my attentions change.

I don't understand why I'm in love with a dream
and the reality never lives up
.. so I destroy and forget.. then regret..
I forget the good.. I forget the bad..
but something new has no past
, no present.. no good, no bad..

I know what I miss now "passion" something so basic but so necessary.. I yarn for the excitement, the challenge, the unpredictability.. change.. have I changed, why!!!! Why think this way... why behave this way.. why hurt the one person that truly cares..

Ok, well I played with line breaks and stanzas to show you how to guide your reader through the emotions you are expressing... this, of course is just an example, hope this helps...

I like where you are going, but you are not there YET;)... EDIT.. edit, then do it again... slice away all the excess so your reader can connect with the emotions...

Welcome to the fabulous Poet's Showcase... ;)
 
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