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Whiling time away (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
Whiling Time Away


Here I am in my hospital bed.
Thoughts and memories whizz through my head.
Time enough to appreciate what we have.
In times of need when health gets bad
It delivers life, it saves lives, and of course it loses lives.
The way the staff within this institution work.
We must ensure not to lose this perk.
In fact more staff is the first thing I'd do.
Cut out all this outsource crap.
The NHS is all inclusive.
Just helping the ill that's it's motive.
So as you see my time's not been wasted.
Whiling my time has been productive.
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
It's not recommended to abandon a rhyme scheme in mid stream which you did in this poem.You went from a rhyming pattern to free verse without using any poetic devices but a stream of consciousnesses pattern which did not work but made the piece schizophrenic. The last six lines needs to go- it's not even prosaic poetry. Also some of your rhymes are a little forced- Rhyming is not a natural speech pattern so one needs to be careful to make it sound as natural as possible, not put it in there just to make a rhyme.

Believe me I don't mean to be harsh, and hopefully you'll use this a a learning moment. I know you'll feel upset at first -we all do when we receive criticism but once you get over the initial (who the hell does this guy think he is) take a hard look at your piece and break down it's flaws. There is a poem in there but it needs a major overhaul.

I look forward to seeing a revision and your other poetic creations...

warmest
bob
 
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knottla

Senior Member
I'm not offended at all. The problem for me is understanding some of your suggestions, I get about rhyming. As for it being schizophrenic, that's probably true seeing I was in hospital not knowing what was wrong me. The trouble is when I write it's an immediate process, and it probably goes against how to compose poetry but it's me at it's truthful.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Consider: L5, remove two of the three lives. Repeat the process with it. That is just pummeling readers with filler.

e.g. It delivers, saves, and loses lives...


Also from a reader's standpoint end on L8, the rest is nothing more than bald prose. Try reading aloud first all the way through as is and then ending on L8. Consider what you hear. As before, word choice is not overly inventive. Not much in the way of a voice or identity. Functional, but generic.

e.g. Functional and generic: This is a box. The box is brown. (Functional, but not overly interesting. Readers have a bad habit of expecting more than the basics.)

In regards to rhyme, if it is something that is desired, look into working with classic forms like the limerick. Pattern forms are great tools for honing elements and consistency. A set form also helps make a writer more conscious of their actual content.

While those last six lines may be a truth, but they are not poetry. Opinion, yes, creative, no. They are a bland statement that leaves the reader asking, 'Why is this in a poetry forum?' Sorry, but not all truth is poetry. Most truth is not and will never be poetry. Is there poetry in truth, decidedly so, but it takes time and effort to see it. Thusly, consider while the process of writing might be immediate, posting it (truth) is a different thing all together.

Consider: 'Is it going to be worth a reader's time? How is such a piece going to be viewed?' Take a moment or two to read through a piece and let it sublimate before clicking post. Editing and review are a critical part of the creative process, do not skip the step. It shows when that step is missed.

Just some thoughts.

- D.
 
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