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What it feels like to be tall - Humorous Essay (2 Viewers)

Atom

Senior Member
“What it Feels like to be Tall” by Atom

Everyone wants attention. At my school, I’m the tall kid. On my basketball team, I’m the tall white kid. The football coach begs me to play while saliva drips from his mouth. Although I receive attention for being tall, it’s the unwanted kind. A cute blond girl came up to me in the hallway and says:

“Hey, I know you.”

I turned to say something, but was interrupted with:

“Your really tall, you know.”

I replied with the only thing I could say;

“Yes, I know.”

Then she said something like:

“How does it feel to be tall?”

I could’ve told her that she was one of the many people each day to harass me about my height. I also could have told her how it feels to be a tall person in a short world.

About how I would sleepily hit my head on the school bus ceiling every morning.

About how I would have to sit sideways in my seat so my knees wouldn’t be cramped, thus occasionally tripping students and teachers walking down the aisle.

I could've told her about how in 8th grade, a girl drew a picture of the entire class and the second tallest person was up to my knee. It was blatantly obvious that my head was in the clouds. Bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?


I could’ve remarked about how I have to hide my feet so people wouldn’t point and goggle at my size 16’s. I could've told her exactly how many people in the school had dandruff while I loomed over crowds.

To this girl in particular, I shrugged and walked on.

As a kid, playing hide and go seek was always a burden, as I had limited hiding spaces. My friends hid in cabinets and closets while I resorted to hiding under the bed like a buffoon.

When my relatives came down from New York, they would tell my fraternal twin brother “You’ve gotten so big!” and when they turned to me, there was stunned silence.

Growing up, people would mistake me for being 5 years older than I really was. I’ll never forget my 2nd grade teacher - who had to look up to talk to me. Picking up again in 6th grade, I would look down to my teachers to talk to them.

I feel bad for the person who sits behind me at the movie theater.

4 years old and tall enough to ride the roller coaster.
8 years old, able to enter the weight lifting gym.
10 years old, able to wear my dad’s clothes.
13 years old, able to order alcohol from restaurants.
At 14 years old, I was able to scrape dust off the ceiling with my fingertips without ever leaving the ground.

If the ceiling collapsed, I’d be the first to die.

At 15, people stopped asking me “Do you play basketball?” and started asking me “Where do you play basketball?”

The phrase “Act your age, not your shoe size” bears no meaning to me. I am meaningless, and eventually I will die. And when I die, my coffin will not fit.





Kind of random, my friend typed it up exactly as i spoke it to have a more comedic feel. Tell me what you think.




 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
Hi Atom!

That was a neat process... dictating the piece to your friend. I think it worked out pretty well and, overall, I liked the piece. A couple of lines like:
About how I would sleepily hit my head on the school bus ceiling every morning.
I feel bad for the person who sits behind me at the movie theater.
Are particularly good, in my opinion.

Now, for what could be better, I think that the piece tips too far into pathos and loses its humor. Yes, pathos works in humor, no doubt about it. But it must be balanced with a wry smile. For example:
The phrase “Act your age, not your shoe size” bears no meaning to me. I am meaningless, and eventually I will die. And when I die, my coffin will not fit.
I think that this breaks down when you generalize that you are meaningless. It makes the whole piece turn on a sour note that because you are tall you are worthless. I think that if you find a positive note for the piece to turn on instead, the coffin bit will be much funnier. Keep that, it could be touchingly funny and a good cap-off.

It is a good start! Hope to read the rewrite. :)
 

Caeser

Senior Member
i laughed out loud... this was hilarious. I don't know if I'm in a giddy mood, or what, but it was one of the funnier things i've read.

could've told her about how in 8th grade, a girl drew a picture of the entire class and the second tallest person was up to my knee.

My friends hid in cabinets and closets while I resorted to hiding under the bed like a buffoon.

Funny stuff. These last two had me laughing out loud, pretty hard. The ceiling part was the funniest of it all.

If the ceiling collapsed, I’d be the first to die.

And when I die, my coffin will not fit.

I was the short kid in my classes... maybe that's why i find it so funny. A little bit of revenge is oh so sweet. I hated you tall kids. Good story man, I'm sorry if it's all true.
 

Atom

Senior Member
Thanks for the feedback. Foxee, your right about the ending, i'll change that later. And yeh, pretty much everything is true but i like being tall so it's fine, lol.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
it's pretty good and it's very funny here and there... just needs some careful editing to be as good as it deserves to be... it's worth the effort, imo... polished, it should sell easily enough to a teen mag or any that take humor pieces...
 

A Simple Man

Senior Member
Thanks for the fun, it struck close to home.

"How tall are you?"

"why don't you grow up and find out?" was my childhood favorite.

Now I say with a wide smile, "Two meters even."
I have the scar tissue on my skull to prove it!

Even more fun, it was the scar tissue that gave me the extra cm to break even.
 
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Small-town_Wright

Senior Member
Drink coffee! Cafine stunts growth :)

Seriously? I feel the same almost, except, I'm shortest. People would never ask if I play basketball (I do, PS) because they figure I'm too short.
 

Atom

Senior Member
I like being tall... these were just funny things that come with it.

If you would like to know, im 6'4 and 15.
 

Raging_Hopeful

Senior Member
This was a great piece. I am tall.. for a girl. I am 5'11 but I too enjoy being tall. The views better up here. And Simple Man, I am SOOOOO stealing that "grow up and find out" line. Just thought you should know.

I laughed and related. This was great and really would be an excellent submission for a teen magazine or zine (with editing of course.) Keep writing!

Cheers,
Linz
 

A Simple Man

Senior Member
Atom said:
16's. Cruiseliners?


Shoes man:

battleships
cruiseliners
float yer boats
boat shoes
sleds
water skis

long, honkin', big toed, mile-long-laced, tongues would make a bloodhound sweat:

shoes man!


strap roller skates to me knees and I am normal height.
i got the ceiling, you get the baseboards
damn those ceiling fans lookit the scars would ya?

tall, large, lanky, skinny-as-a-rail(well..a while back), turn me sideways disappearing act, stretched out thin

tall man!
 

A Simple Man

Senior Member
my first day in third grade they had to go to the sixth grade to find a desk and chair.

i had the only orange chair in the room!
 

Raging_Hopeful

Senior Member
There are many ways to look into getting published. Maia has a bunch of information, I don't have any off the top of my head. Try PMing her and see what she has to say. Or PMing any of the Mod's.. I'm sure they'll be able to help. *hugs Simple Man*

Awwwww.... tall and skinny! *squeeze*
 
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