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We Meet Again (1 Viewer)

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
His world exhales
two souls combine
immediately to start
Blocked tears break through
a light streams in
for every connect a part
Her world exhales
two souls combine immediately to start
Mountain tops listen
lightening strikes glisten
A birth to creating art

Souls infinitely near
past lives connected
childlike for the cosmic duration
Experience everything
receive nothing
exist in their dreams creation

With every connection
a known secret
there will always be just one
Power to recognize power
Healers that need healing
Knowledge to know what is done

Up on an inhale
manifesting everything
the soul so eagerly yearns
At the end of two bodies
they fear not
for forever will undoubtedly return


(I'm trying to decide if I want to include this in my book or not. Please be very honest with me if it's not good lol I won't take offense. I've been back and forth about this one for awhile)


 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Would splitting the first stanza into two work? Also perhaps then moving the stanzas around a little?

For me, I think I would like the language simplified a little, a feel like verbosity is getting in the way of your meaning, if that makes sense?

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
His world exhales
two souls combine
immediately to start
Blocked tears break through
a light streams in
for every connect a part
Her world exhales
two souls combine immediately to start
Mountain tops listen
lightening strikes glisten
A birth to creating art

Souls infinitely near
past lives connected
childlike for the cosmic duration
Experience everything
receive nothing
exist in their dreams creation

With every connection
a known secret
there will always be just one
Power to recognize power
Healers that need healing
Knowledge to know what is done

Up on an inhale
manifesting everything
the soul so eagerly yearns
At the end of two bodies
they fear not
for forever will undoubtedly return


(I'm trying to decide if I want to include this in my book or not. Please be very honest with me if it's not good lol I won't take offense. I've been back and forth about this one for awhile)



His world exhales
two souls combine
immediately to start
Blocked tears break through
a light streams in
for every connect a part
Her world exhales
two souls combine immediately to start
Mountain tops listen
lightening strikes glisten
A birth to creating art

Souls infinitely near
past lives connected
childlike for the cosmic duration
Experience everything
receive nothing
exist in their dreams creation

With every connection
a known secret
there will always be just one
Power to recognize power
Healers that need healing
Knowledge to know what is done

Up on an inhale
manifesting everything
the soul so eagerly yearns
At the end of two bodies
they fear not
for forever will undoubtedly return


(I'm trying to decide if I want to include this in my book or not. Please be very honest with me if it's not good lol I won't take offense. I've been back and forth about this one for awhile)



Hi Annie
I am still trying to learn art of critique, but I have just joined the play school, so I can only talk about beautiful colours inside your poem, I don't notice jerks and dimming light so easily, like Syd, you and other great poets who are great critique too, do.
So talking about beautiful colours, it made me feel, the two souls are exhaling their pain, through music or something else or may be plain words, giving birth to something mesmerizing feeling as art. Last stanza is just awesome.

If you want to select it for your book, poetry workshop is the better platform for critique of your poem. I don't know the exact criteria, if after sending here as thread, if you can send it there also for the critique.

Thanks for sharing here.

Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello, I wanted to come back to this with a few more comments, I hope you don’t mind? I ultimately think this piece needs to be really focused down, on re-reading I still stand by my initial response but I also feel like it branches off in tangents when it could focus on something as simple as breath and still tell the same story.


His world exhales

two souls combine
immediately to start
Blocked tears break through
a light streams in
for every connect a part

I mentioned it in my first comment but I think a stanza break here works to really create a sense of separation between him/her and then later if you so wish you’re provided an opportunity at reunion. I’ve suggested removing immediately as I think it acts to stifle the rhythm. Blocked because if the tears are breaking through I would assume they’re already blocked.

Her world exhales
two souls combine immediately to start
Mountain tops listen
lightening strikes glisten
A birth to creating art

See above for my I’ve struck through immediately. I find the use of glisten and listen interesting, because it gives this stanza a sing songs vibe, but you don’t utilise this before or after? Is this a sound of music poem? This stanza is at least.

Souls infinitely near
past lives connected
childlike for the cosmic duration
Experience everything
receive nothing
exist in their dreams creation

This sense of space and the infinite is an interesting way to approach the piece, I can’t help but feel that in striving to create this feeling you miss making the reader feel it? Does that make sense?


With every connection
a known secret
there will always be just one
Power to recognize power
Healers that need healing
Knowledge to know what is done

I think I said it in my previous comment but I feel like the centre of the piece is hidden behind words in a way that makes the purpose of the piece completely oblique. It feels wordy for the sake of wordy.


Up on an inhale
manifesting everything
the soul so eagerly yearns
At the end of two bodies
they fear not
for forever will undoubtedly return

If this was my piece, I would scale everything back to just this concept of breathing, the human body is a remarkable thing. A miracle, so two bodies coming together becomes a double miracle, I don’t think you need to be searching the infinite in this piece when really you could just focus on the sound of two bodies breathing in unison.



(I'm trying to decide if I want to include this in my book or not. Please be very honest with me if it's not good lol I won't take offense. I've been back and forth about this one for awhile)


 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
I do like this. I'm one of those horrible poets who looks to strengthen a piece by reducing words, and looking for a more powerful verb to displace an adjective or an adverb. I'm looking at "Blocked tears break through" and thinking "tears undam(med)" because the undamming shows that they were blocked. There's nothing wrong with your way - they are just differences in writing style.
Thank you for posting your work.
 
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