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we are Thomas (1 Viewer)

dannyboy

Friends of WF
The thing that is needed
is for everyone
to roll up their proverbial sleeves
(hemp not cotton, please)
hold our eyes to the wound –
none of this looking down or to the side –
and push, push hard
into the gaping lesion,
listening all the time
to the whispers of the earth.

Place your hand into that polluted fissure
feel the pain
feel the lament of extinction
feel the grasses replaced by weeds
the trees replaced with wheat
the soil replaced with sludge
the wetlands now dry
the forests now roads
the rivers now sewers
the ocean now a collector of plastic…

And believe, you doubters, believe!

It appears it is only when our fingers
encounter the relentless damage
that our kind can cast aside
The cloak of doubt and believe.

We did this.
We strung this sacred planet up.
We sought Calvary not restoration,
greed not mutual benefit.

Can we lay down our doubt, then
and believe that the earth is dying
and will be reborn
but that we…we will not be so lucky.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really like this piece and it delivers a message directly to the reader. It creates some blunt and alarming visuals that do feel and work as a call to arms.

I hope you don’t mind I’ve been through it line for line with a few suggestions

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd





The thing that is needed would “what” work better here?
is for everyone
to roll up their proverbial sleeves for me proverbial negates the urgency of message
(hemp not cotton, please) feels a little too flippant
hold our eyes to the wound –
none of this looking down or to the side –
and push, push hard
into the gaping lesion,
listening all the time
to the whispers of the earth.

Love this portion from my last comment to this point


Place your hand into that polluted fissure
feel the pain
feel the lament of extinction
feel the grasses replaced by weeds
the trees replaced with wheat
the soil replaced with sludge
the wetlands now dry
the forests now roads
the rivers now sewers
the ocean now a collector of plastic…

I would only use feel once, but that’s just me

And believe, you doubters, believe!

It appears it is only when our fingers feels slightly awkward
encounter the relentless damage
that our kind can cast aside
The cloak of doubt and believe.

We did this.
We strung this sacred planet up.
We sought Calvary not restoration,
greed not mutual benefit.

Can we lay down our doubt, then
and believe that the earth is dying
and will be reborn
but that we…we will not be so lucky. This last line doesn’t feel as potent as it should be
 

stony

Senior Member
You have some excellent visuals here and you deliver a powerful message effectively. My one issue is you start with the striking image of a gaping wound but then move on entirely. You might consider circling back to it in the last stanza somehow. Also, I agree with Syd. You should tighten up that first line. Good stuff, Danny!
 

CJL4307

Senior Member
Always cool to read a piece that clearly has so much passion behind it. We have been given a gift and should therefore be good stewards of it. Agree with some of the other critiques. I would love to see the last stanza make a powerful impact much like the rest of the piece.
 
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