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*warning Over 21's Only* (1 Viewer)

crackpotkate

Senior Member
This is a commissioned piece I've been working on specifically for Portfolio work for television/film performers. It's still in the first stages and if we follow the one page = one minute rule it should last approx. four and a half.
It's dark and the language is quite 'ripe'. I have formatted it to final draft 7.0, I don't know how that format transfers onto these pages...

MONOLOGUE (ACTORS PORTFOLIO MATERIAL)- - ROSE’S THORNS​
(ACTOR, OFF CAMERA)
BLACK & WHITE/BLEAK

Open on a close up shot of the actor. The subject is smiling, happy to tell his little tale...


ACTOR
Y'know, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a bloody fool wi' women.
SMILES WARMLY
Would ye look at me? Am I not a fine figure of masculinity? Well, that's one for the ladies to decide innit?

EYES FLICKER ERATICALLY (FASTER SHUTTER SPEED)


I've had varying degrees of success with the fairer sex. When I was a younger man...I was up to my neck in girls y'know?

LAUGHTER

They couldn't get enough of me! Hehey! Stud I was...
(sombre)
But after years of snatch chasing, you have to look for more dontcha? Sommit more steady, that 'commitment' thing.
And that's when I met her...Rose...

BITTER LAUGHTER

Rosey, sweet scented honeycomb wrapped in a cloak of glorious red... Dammit man! Was she an angel! I knew she wanted me, from the moment our eyes locked...in a kebab shop!
Of all the bloody places... So's I took her home, and there she stayed.


SCREW HIS EYES UP LIKE HE'S TRYING TO FIND HER DEEP IN HIS MEMORY


Well, she was flippin' gorgeous. So that's how it was, for three beautiful years; me working...and I worked hard, 'cos women like the money don't they, they like nice things...

OPENS EYES

and she loved staying with me, loved it, loved me...I know 'cos she told me all the time. She missed her folks I think...and sometimes, when they came on the news, cryin' and shit, she'd say she wanted to see 'em. But she couldn't could she

SHAKES HIS HEAD EMPHATICALLY

people wouldn't have understood, 'bout her and me...but we was just doing what people in love do yknow? being together... Well then she got knocked up, and things all went pear-shaped from then on...she didn't know what was happenin',

DISGUSTEDLY SHAKES HIS HEAD

Christ, her mother never even told her that... Anyways, she got sick, really sick...

TEARS START

..But I couldn't get an ambulance could I? Not then, after all the stuff on the telly. They'd have taken her away, they'd have taken 'em both away....

CRYING FREELY

So when...when the bleedin' wouldn't stop, and the kid came out limp and covered in her...It weren't my fault, I loved her...and I held her, just...held her as she left me...and I begged her not to go. But she fuckin' left anyway... But she forgave me, even as her eyes closed and she shut me out and left me, I knew she forgave me.... So I took her home then....

ACTOR PULLS FRANTICALLY AT HIS STRAIGHT JACKET AND SHOOTS TERRIFIED LOOKS AT THE SURROUNDING PADDED WALLS...HE’S CLEARLY UPSET

OFF CAMERA
Cough...!

ACTOR
(still distressed)
I took her home! I damn well took her home! And look where it got me?!

OFF CAMERA
Ssshhhh....

ACTOR
(calmer)
In this place, the women still don’t understand me...but they will...


FADE OUT


K J LANDER (C) 2005

lol. Obviously the final draft format DOES NOT tarry on here, so 'scuse the layout and take it from me that the real version is properly formatted.
 

StephenP2003

Senior Member
Having taken only one screenwriting class, I don't claim to know too much about it, but from what I've learned, it seems that you called too many shots, or you misused the slug line. I'm not sure, just thought I'd make an effort to add input. Besides that, it looks like it would make a good film.
 

crackpotkate

Senior Member
The only reason I included so many parentheticals and shots is because as I stated it's specifically for portfolio work for 'new' talent, and it was written with the producer hence the copius amount of shots which I usually wouldn't write in, especially with such 'singular' subject matter. Hope that clears it up for you.

Thanks for looking, oh and I have edited a considerable amount of swearing out of the piece. Just to keep the masses happy!
 

TsuTseQ

Senior Member
Was this inspired by fairy tales? Rose Red and Little Red Riding Hood come to mind (especially the latter). This seems to be a disturbing glimpse into the wolf's mind. I imagine his warm smile as more of a toothy grin.

Very vivid writing.
 

crackpotkate

Senior Member
I have no idea where the inspiration for this piece came from. I wrote it sitting outside on the steps of the Australia House Building in London. It took about twenty minutes to write the monologue then I just typed it into script format when I got home. All in all about an hours work. But it just popped into my head, eeek...pyschoanalise that!! scary!

But I love your take on it...excellent.
 
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