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Waking With My Darling (1 Viewer)

J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
Its been a dreadfully long time since I've been on here; and I must apologize to myself, and my Writing Soul for that. Now that I've come into my own as a writer and have discovered what it is I need to be writing, I shall be writing as much and often as possible!


A soft, lilting voice gently stirred me from sleep. My eyes fluttered open; the scent of earth, wood, and our night of lovemaking still kissed the room. It wasn't unusual for my darling to be awake at this hour; being a soldier in the Dawn Patrol meant sunrise marches. But this morning, was different. She wasn't so tense like she is when I bring her the day's lunch during her march. Her back ramrod straight, shoulders at a forty-five degree angle, slender fingers grasping a longspear, her armor casting eerie flashes across the ground. No, this time was different.
Facing the sun, and lazy day to come, her nude body was an oil painting of flawless imperfection. Her pale hair fell down the arch of her slender back. Milky skin, licked by fragments of the rising sun shafting through gauzy curtains. Ribbons of long, jagged scars danced across her soft back, her sides; an uneven landscape of pink and alabaster. Elven blankets pooled around, and between strong thighs, a tight stomach, and small breasts. Her pointed ears twitched once, and she turned her head towards me. Her high cheekbones were painted in azure; the Marks of War. She bit her lower lip, and tucked her legs underneath her arms, resting a cheek on her knee, almost...teasingly hiding her body from me. Periwinkle eyes twinkled in playful misbehavior and a crooked smile touched her soft lips.
"Good morning, darling," she whispered soft
 
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Turtle Pen

Senior Member
This was so beautiful! You have such soft and sensual imagery in this peice that just captured my heart and displayed the love relationship between them. It
was truly a beautiful read. I will say though, when you are in the midst of describing it seems a little run-on-y. But thats just my opinion, in constrast it really
does paint a vivid picture. Also, I liked how you dropped hints about what she was or what she's done, or even, what she might be. By just adding those little
lines it added a lot to building her charcter within his eyes. Great Job! I'd love to read more of this!
- Turtle
 

KellInkston

Senior Member
Very lovely imagery- I, like any fan of fantasy, wish elves were real.

Anyway, this piece has lengthy, sensual description; no problem with that in my opinion, considering romantic/erotic moments are the best times for that in most stories. I could vividly feel the scene, that's top notch stuff- precisely how it should be done. There are; however, one or two things that I felt should be put to your attention, dear author:

I felt on occasion there is the misplaced or unnecessary comma, punctuation that, may improve the speaking flow (if the author is going for a slow, conversational tone) of the work, but slow down the reading flow. A notable example would be "But this morning, was different." As a full sentence, I would consider keeping them short and sweet- contrast the meandering, sensual sentences with some quick, short sentences. It's not all that bad, however; you could easily ignore them and very few people would be turned away from that.

On the second, I feel your narrator explains a bit too much too early. I feel too much non-setting description can bog down a reader's enthusiasm and engagement in what they're reading, so perhaps consider showing and implying the character's setting.
Is this lady of the Dawn Patrol? How about have her take up, put down, or simply glance at her Dawn Patrol sigil (should they have sigils, no idea). This would be a fine way to get the reader curious about the lady's connection to the badge of sorts.
So that said, I love the imagery you have going on, but I think it could be further improved were you to use more showing and less telling- perhaps have the characters interact with the things you describe.

That's all, great work!
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
"an oil painting of flawless imperfection" - yep
"Periwinkle eyes twinkled in playful misbehavior" - and yep. Love those 2 lines

Very sensual, as Turtle Pen said above. Just 1 gripe (isn't there always?) - the use of the words kissed and danced are maybe a little overused (not here, but generally) so maybe something different would be good. Echoing KellInkston and Turtle Pen again, perhaps a little too describey in places, but the words are so great it's easy to forgive that. Maybe just work those descriptions into some movements by the she-elf in question.
 

J.L. Franklin

Senior Member
Well, this feels incredibly awkward.....a response to my story, and a response I have not yet given! Ah, what fresh hell have I done! That aside, thank you very much! I quite enjoyed writing that story; I really tried imagining myself win the room (not in a voyeuristic manner of course, because that would be weird!). Mostly because that's how I get into the brainbox of my protagonists, but also because I love the "role-reversed" story; human male, non-human female.

As I read through this again, I realized, "Oh, Turtle Pen is right.....this is a bit run-on-y." I can sometimes get in over my head with descriptions and the like. 'Tis something I must work on, eh?

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This came from a picture I saw online once. I fell in love with it immediately (I have a weakness for Elven women......), and my imagination hit the ground running. To answer thine question, "No, this is not from a larger piece." However, there are thousands of possibilities. Who knows, you might see more from this universe sometime in the future...

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Aha! Excellent suggestion! Perhaps the words, "licked" and "flitted"? I don't know......But I understand what you mean! Aye, like I said, I can get a but over-descriptive...
 
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