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Us (1 Viewer)

Bansi

Senior Member
There is nothing between us
No love no lust,
Still you make me want you more...
This connection between us
Is made by the universe,
The bond so pure
And the talks so long,
All those jokes we crack
And how we crack on them as well,
The connection so deep
That has no need-
For any commitment
Or feelings so adamant.
Caring for you
Is the only thing I know,
Near or far
You are always on my mind,
Staying with you
Isn’t the drive
Staying in you
Is where I thrive...
-Bansi
 
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Bansi

Senior Member
Thank you dear
When i wrote thus one i did not think of it as it has a touch of sex as well it was a pure feelings based love bt ya wat u r sayin is another perspective to look at it... thanks for ur feedback
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
I like the purity of the feeling that you express here. Long-distance friendships cut out all the complications of normal relationships and yet can be equally intense. A nice idea for a poem, Bansi. I would prefer full words rather than having to struggle through the text-speak which made the poem a bit disjointed for me. One suggestion; I think 'where' would be a better word than 'what' in the last line to make better sense in English. I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing more poems from you.
 

Bansi

Senior Member
I like the purity of the feeling that you express here. Long-distance friendships cut out all the complications of normal relationships and yet can be equally intense. A nice idea for a poem, Bansi. I would prefer full words rather than having to struggle through the text-speak which made the poem a bit disjointed for me. One suggestion; I think 'where' would be a better word than 'what' in the last line to make better sense in English. I enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing more poems from you.

Thank you so much for your feedback. Last line you are right. ‘Where’ is the word. Not ‘what’
And ya Can u please explain this to me . ‘I would prefer full words rather than having to struggle through the text-speak which made the poem a bit disjointed for me.’ I am not getting what you are trying to say here. It ll help me improve..
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Thank you so much for your feedback. Last line you are right. ‘Where’ is the word. Not ‘what’
And ya Can u please explain this to me . ‘I would prefer full words rather than having to struggle through the text-speak which made the poem a bit disjointed for me.’ I am not getting what you are trying to say here. It ll help me improve..

Text speak is just the contractions of words that you tend to use. Like this... U r always on my mind instead of You are always on my mind. It's a small thing but it can be quite distracting. Hope this helps. :)
jen
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
In the poem I thought using u for you was a play on words - two u's being us, if that makes any sense. If it was, then that would be acceptable to me, but if not, I wouldn't be so keen either.
 

Bansi

Senior Member
Text speak is just the contractions of words that you tend to use. Like this... U r always on my mind instead of You are always on my mind. It's a small thing but it can be quite distracting. Hope this helps. :)
jen

Ok. Now i know. And it makes sense also. I mostly take care that i don't use text speak but as you are so used to using the text speak daily, sometime even if the mistake is right in front of you you don't notice. That is what happened here.. i will b careful about it.
 

Bansi

Senior Member
In the poem I thought using u for you was a play on words - two u's being us, if that makes any sense. If it was, then that would be acceptable to me, but if not, I wouldn't be so keen either.

Here U was You only. It was not word play. My bad I couldn’t notice that all this while.. now i do... thank you for taking a time to read n reply..
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Here U was You only. It was not word play. My bad I couldn’t notice that all this while.. now i do... thank you for taking a time to read n reply..

In that case, to me, such an abbreviation would only be a reasonable idea if the piece alluded to something about a mobile phone or one featured prominently in the piece. Abbreviating while using a mobile is something I prefer to avoid, but occasionally creeps in if I'm rushed. On a writing site I believe it's best to avoid text-speak unless there is a very good reason for it - such as someone texting a message in the piece and you wish to show the person is rushed. This could be used to good effect if you show that their normal text messages are in the usual longhand but when the character is rushed or stressed, the text is shortened.
 

Bansi

Senior Member
True. And i am working on not using abbreviations and being extra careful in my upcoming poetries... thank u for the suggestion on when to use abbreviated words.
 
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