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Untitled Story (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
So I wrote this last night, woke up this morning and still liked it, so I figured I would post it. Any feedback is welcome and appreciated!

On a riverbank hidden deep within the forest bordering the village of Asere, a young man sat looking into the water. His face was solemn, pensive, as he watched the river move listlessly to his left, towards a small dip in the water and beyond. His head throbbed painfully. He had no idea why he was in this forest, or why he had woken up only moments prior in the river; the sudden lack of air had caused a panicked floundering through the waters until he reached the bank, coughing and gasping for air. He tried to think back to a point before he awoke, but there was nothing but a vast blankness that caused his head to beat more furiously. There were only two things he did know: the first was his name, but thinking of it led to nothing else, and remembering was his main goal at the moment. The second was a deep, nagging anxiety that was urging him to move forward, but this too lacked any sort of foundation in his mind. He struggled to his feet and almost tumbled back into the river.

With an audible groan he tried once again to get to his feet, but stopped short. He could hear rustling coming from the brush behind him- close, and getting closer. His body reacted before his mind could question it, and he scrambled across the bank into the bushes. From where he was hiding he could see two large figures shambling through the bushes towards the bank, followed by a third, slimmer one. He moved slowly through his hiding spot and found an opening to get a better view of what was happening. The two figures emerged from the brush and stood at the riverbank. They were creatures of earth and stone, it seemed, and they lacked any sort of features save for two glowing sockets. They looked back and forth along the river for a moment, before the third figure appeared and joined them. This one was human, but his piercing gaze and bloodied robe told the young man that he was far from friendly. He passed his left hand through his hair, mixing red with gold into a crude bronze color, and his right hand gripped a sword, still dripping blood from whatever he had slaughtered.

"Why have you brought me here?" the man asked. The creatures seemed to start at the sound of his voice, and one turned to him. It seemed to speak, but all the young man could hear was a sort of inhaled series of growls. It seemed the man could understand them just fine, as he walked between them and looked in the river as well.

"You say you heard noises coming from this direction. Do you think it was one of the villagers?" The creature growled in affirmation, and he said, "Continue looking, then. We mustn't let a single one escape." The man looked along the ground while the creatures moved down the bank.
While the creatures trundled along by the water, the man surveyed the ground close to him. He was muttering something, but from where the young man was hiding he couldn't hear much. As he moved closer though, he managed to catch the last part of what he was saying. "They will tell me where the Insel are hiding if I have to-" he said, stopping. He seemed to spot something, his eyes squinting as he put one knee on the ground and studied it. He stayed like that for a moment, then got up and called to his followers.

"Something was here, and it hasn't gone far," he said. He looked at the path once more, seeming to trace the young man's scramble for safety right to him. For one brief moment their eyes were locked, and he could feel his heart hammer with fear. He looked again at the sword. Aside from the blood currently staining into the steel the weapon was pristine. He wondered if it was sharp, wondered how much it would hurt if he were cut by it. He wanted to run but his legs were paralyzed. He could only watch as the man walked closer and closer to where he was sitting, unable to run, move, or even breathe.

Just then, an animal darted out from the bushes next to him, and briefly splashed along the river before fleeing back into the forest. From where the animal hit the water, a bright blue glow shone up briefly, then vanished. The man had stopped, his eyes wild, a wide grin splitting his face. He was no longer looking at the bushes, but at the disturbed water.

"There you are," he said, and started towards the river's edge. The two creatures stomped behind him, and together they passed the young man, who could hear the sword being dragged along the loose rocks and ground. The sound echoed in his head and his paralysis broke. He turned around and scrambled through the brush into the forest, not caring if they heard him. He thought that as long as he could get a moment's head start-- just a moment-- he'd be safe.

Apple Ice

Senior Member
This is good. That's about as far as my cutting insight can go I'm afraid. Not that I'm one to preach about it but the technical side of things seem great. They story is intriguing and engrossing and i look forward to reading more.


Senior Member
Ok, this stuck out at me:

"You say you heard noises coming from this direction. Do you think it was one of the villagers?"

I get its a plot telling device having the sorcerer repeat the answer but it seems lazy. And probably unnecessary, as this part suggests what was said pretty clearly:

It seemed the man could understand them just fine, as he walked between them and looked in the river as well.

Anyway, I'm curious to see how this plays out. You do a good job peaking the reader's interest by giving the impression of a grand plot without revealing too much. The only other thing I'll say is that I'm not sure why you didn't simply start the story with the man in the river. I feel like that would have been a better hook, rather than referring to it as having happened in the moment prior.


Senior Member
@Gasher: I found it funny that I never associated your username with that character until I saw the picture. Coincidentally, my picture is of Black Thirteen.

The reason I had him repeat what the creature said was because I figured it wouldn't be clear that he was looking for fleeing villagers. Unless you're referring to the first sentence, in which case I agree, it is unnecessary. I didn't start with him in the river because the way the scene played out in my head began with him on the bank. I'll rework it once I finish writing out the entire scene.


Senior Member
In my opinion, I'd tidy up the formatting of the dialogue. With all the dialogue being compacted into the paragraph blocks it not only appears a little messy, but can also be harder to read.


Senior Member
After a very long weekend away, I can finally come back and assess what I need to change.

VoidMoon said:
I'd tidy up the formatting of the dialogue
I'm really horrible when it comes to dialogue, so when you say that, you mean I should make it separate paragraphs?

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