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untitled movie-drama (1 Viewer)

Lost Kosmonaut

Senior Member
I know there's way too much description... I just have this thing where I can't leave my vision open for interpretation. I want it concrete. BTW if you need an idea of the atmosphere, think Garden State.

["The District Sleeps Alone" (The Postal Service, 2003) plays with varying volume, quieting during dialogue. Opening of the song is played as several credited names are introduced on black background, and right before (or just as) the first lyrics are introduced, the 'title' is displayed. Short clips are then shown of general unsuccessful attempts in Ean's life, such as answering incorrectly in (college) class resulting in all students laughing, meeting a girl at a party and exchanging expressions of mutual liking (insinuating relationship)-and then a scene where she's having sex in the dorm with another guy-he knocks on door-she turns up stereo (thus crescendo in background music)-segmented clips of him banging on door; crying; sitting; etc, happy graduation-being told by a firm that he has potential-then getting turned down for the job, and finally working as a flower delivery boy driving a white van with no driver or passenger doors. He delivers flowers to somebody in daylight, drives home at dusk, arrives to home front door-then cut to overhead (slow-zoom) shot of Ean lying down in bed (staring at the camera passively) and turning off the lamp. A final crescendo of the music is given as he lies in bed-then fades out as the scene goes black.]


Scene I

[Scene opens during morning, in silence, and knocks on the front door are heard. We see Ean lying in bed in a somewhat comedic position. For several seconds the knocks persist, and Ean opens his eye(s). The knocks pause, and he closes them again. Knocks on his bedroom window are heard loudly; Ean turns his head toward the window]

Ean
[sees his friends outside the window; speaks muffled] What the hell are you guys doing?

[friends signal that they can't hear Ean, then point to the direction of the front door]

[all arrive to front door – throughout, straight on shots of a.) Ean in doorway and b.) friends outside doorway are generally used as each party is talking.]

Jamie (friend 1)​
What's up man, where you been?

Ean
What?
[sign(s) of fatigue such as yawning/stretching]​
What do you mean? I've been working, you guys know that.

John (friend 2)​
No we mean today.

Ean​
... Here? Unless I was unknowingly abducted by aliens sometime between 12 am and now.

John​
No way dude, you were abducted by aliens? I think this one time...

Jamie​
Shut up, man.

John​
What? It's true.

Jamie​
You don't know what you're talking about. You're all fucked up in the head 'cause of that shit you do.

John​
but...

Ean​
Alright! Alright, guys, you probably didn't get me up at six in the morning for... whatever this is. So tell me what it is or I'm gonna go take a shower, since you guys beat my alarm by three minutes.

[friends look at eachother]

John​
I don't wanna tell him. You tell him.

Jamie​
[sigh] ... Ean... you're dead.

Ean​
... What? What was that? I didn't...

Jamie​
I said Jacob's fucking dead, you want me to spell it out for you?

Ean​
[unenthusiastically bewildered] ... no shit?

[John is now staring at the ground.]

Jamie​
Yeah...

Ean​
How'd he go?

Jamie​
He signed up for the army like a week ago, and suffered a lethal concussion falling off some obstacle in boot camp or something like that. Didn't even have a chance to shoot a couple towel-heads before... [pause] He was always doing idiotic shit like that anyway-he was probably just trying to show off, dumbass.

[John walks back to the car.]

Ean​
Damn. That sucks.

Jamie​
Yeah.

Ean​
Well... so...

[short pause]

Jamie​
Yeah, well, whatever, alright? Burial's tomorrow at you-know-where. You do know where, right?

Ean​
uh. y-yeah.

Jamie​
Okay see you there, bud. [walks to car]

[shot of Ean in doorway. Cut to car driving off from doorway view. Side-angle shot of Ean from inside house as he closes door slowly. He pauses and walks out of the view. Back-angle of Ean as he walks away from the camera, and as he turns down the hallway to the right. Angle stays fixed as you hear him turn the shower on, get in (vocalizing due to freezing water), step out. He walks out of the hallway back into view with towel only on, then out of view again to the left. View changes to kitchen as he enters with new clothes. He reaches for his car keys-then stops to look at the phone in the foreground; focus shifts to the phone-then shifting back to him as he picks up his keys and walks out of view.]
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, lost, but this bears no resemblance to a screenplay... you can email me for a format guide, but you should also study real scripts, to see how they're written...

fyi, you don't include any camera directions or scene numbers... that's done only in a director's or shooting script...

here's a sample of what a real script looks like... you'll have to imagine the dialog moved over, because the proper margin settings don't work in a post:

FADE IN:

INT. EAN'S BEDROOM - DAY

EAN (20) is asleep in bed. He hears knocking on the front door and opens his eyes. Knocks stop and he closes them again. Moments later, there are loud knocks on the bedroom window.

JOHN (late teens) and JAMIE (15) peer through the window, into the room.

EAN
What the hell are you guys doing?

Jamie motions that they can't hear him, points toward front door.

EXT. EAN'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Ean stands in the open doorway, John and Jamie are on the step.

JAMIE

What's up man, where you been?

EAN
(yawns; stretches)
What? What do you mean? I've been
working...you guys know that.





...and so on... as you can see, you need to learn the abc's of screenwriting... i'll be glad to send you some beginner tips from the pros, along with format guides, if you want...

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]
 
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