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Untitled, could be considered PG 13 (1 Viewer)

B

B00kw0rm

Please don't be to harsh, I'm just writing the because I like to write, and I would love to work with abused children someday so this is me kind of trying to get inside their heads. I have some other stories that kinda goe with this, but it stands alone. It's mainly writen like a script because I like using a lot of talking telling the story, that and it's kinda like a soap opera when all the stories are together. Ok, a little bit for now, tell me what you think:

Grace: *Sitting in a childs room, painted blue* I wonder if blue is still his favorite color.
Tom: Someday we'll know.
Grace: I - I just don't know anymore, Tom. Sometime - Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see him again.
Tom: Grace, don't give up hope! Ralph won't kill him!
Grace: Tom! It's been almost five and a half years. *crying* He's twelve now! What if they never find my baby?
Tom: We will find him! He is alive, so we will! I won't give up hope on my nephew ! We will find David, I promise.
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Man: * knock on the door* Here's your babysitter!
Boy: I don't need one! Really, please Dad I'm twelve I promise I won't leave!
Man: I say you do need one!
Boy: *trying his best not to sound scared* Is it Drake?
Man: Yes , now goodbye.
Boy: *Still sounding a little scared* Bye , Dad.
Drake *waits until the man leaves* He'll kill you if you tell him, and if he doesn't I will. You know that. that. Come on David , we have a guest coming. You need to be ready.
...................................................................................
Grace: *phone rings* Hello? Yes. What? Really! Oh please! Ok. Bye.
*hangs up* TOM! They have a lead! They think they might have found him!
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David : Please, no!
Drake: *slaps him* Shut up! * doorbell rings* Our guest is here.
Man: Is he ready?
Drake: David take the man to your room, He want's some privacy .
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Drake: He's out just in time, here's your Dad!
Ralph: *Comes in* Thank you for watching him. Have fun David?
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Police: Police! We have you surrounded! Ralph Smith come out with your hands up! * Ralph comes out they swarm the house* David! David!
David: *running out in his pajamas* What happened? What's wrong? Where's my Dad?
Policewoman: Hunny, are you ok?
David: I guess.
Policewoman: I've been on your case the whole time. I've been looking for you for years, come on David your going home! You should be with your Mom by morning!
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Grace: Where is he? *running* through the hospital* Where's David?
Policewoman: Grace , He's being examined it looks like he has been abused. Ralph may have hurt him too.
Grace: No!
Tom: Is he ok?
Policewoman: He seemed okay a little withdrawn, but ok.
....................................................................................
Dr: Okay we are done!
David: Can I go home now?
Dr: Not yet. *opens door* You can see him now.
Grace *Running to him* Oh my baby! David! Oh I missed you!
Tom: I'm so glad your back buddy! We missed you!
David I missed you too.
Grace: Oh, David I never thought I'd see you again! We thought about you everyday!
Tom: Every day!
David: I thought about you everyday too.
Grace: Are you okay?
David: *Shell shocked* I guess.
Grace: Welcome back!
David: I wanna go home.
Tom: Then lets see if uncle Tom can get you out of here.
....................................................................................
Grace: *at home* Do you want any of your stuff from your Dads?
David: *unpacking* I got what I needed ,some clothes and books and my toothbrush, stuff like that.
Grace: Do you still like to read?
David: Yeah.
Grace: I'll see if Tom can go get you some more basic stuff you might need.
Grace: Ok *picks up the clothes he just took out to check the sizes then leaves*
David: *Looks around his old room puts up what little he has and hides a journal. Then sits on his bed pulls his knees to his chest and cries.*
...................................................................................
David: *Pulls out his journal and we hear what he writes* Last night was so awful. Drake brought another man again. The police came after I went to sleep though and now I'm home! I'm finally home! Mom and uncle Tom know about Dad hurting me I think. I'm worried about him. I'm still glad I'm home though I never really believed Dad when he said they didn't love me. I saw the posters, I heard him tell Drake he was afraid someone would recognize me. I missed them so much. I'm so glad it's over. *starts crying* Part of me wants them to know about what Drake and the other men did, but part of me wants them to never find out! I don't know what to do!
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Wallmaker

Senior Member
Hi Bookworm,

Overall, I'm glad to see someone bold enough to put such a heavy and hard piece to write on the forum. Congrats, that takes real gusto.

I'm kinda known to be harsh and so if something come across that way, I promise I don't mean it to be mean! I like your story. I think you can do many things, but I think you need to add more to it to be a real... stand alone story. On that note, I like to just bring up the questions I had while reading your script and where I got confused.

I'd say you have a start here with these lines of dialogue and you should develop it into a play, a script, or a short story. Right now, you do have a story of what's going on, but I get confused becuase all I have is the dialogue and some small character actions. I got confused if Tom or Drake was the Uncle. I was confused on why Drake was doing this? Clearly he's an evil guy and your antagonist, but is he getting money from these men? Is that why he's doing it?

A few things I'd like to know is: how did the police find Drake and David? Did Grace and Tom help them find Drake's house? That could be a very interesting part of the story. Grace is married to Drake, maybe she knows he borrows a friend's cabin...or something.

Also, it seems like Grace and Tom know that David may have been molested when they talk to the police. Are there plans to take him to counseling? The last passage is so bleak and poor David is all alone, I feel like we haven't finished his story, especially if his parents know he might be going through this.

Sounds like you are very passionate about this subject and I encourage you to continue with your story and flush out the details in whatever medium you choose.
 
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