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Until I’m Honest (1 Viewer)

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
Words pierce through
Olive tinted skin
I bounce back
Even as thick
Deteriorates to thin
Bruises mark the last spot
Your lips clinched too tightly
Despite my refusal you slipped right in
I took your threat too lightly

Broken down emotions
Send saline across my cheeks
W e a k
But if it makes you strong
Why should I protest?
M e e k
I cower and confess
I’m another cold body
You warmed over
Just to kill off your loneliness
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a heavy piece, I think you do well to convey what’s going on without having to spell it out to the reader, the fact that there is a little room for interpretation is definitely a positive in terms of the piece. For me if I had to be critical I’m not sure I get the reasoning behind “W e a k [...] M e e k,” for me it has the effect of taking me out of the piece. Perhaps that was the intention?

I look forward to seeing how this develops.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Hi there!

Thank you for sharing your work with us! "I cower and confess.. i'm another cold body.. you warmed over... just to kill off your loneliness". That hit me. I'm sorry this seems to be coming from a place of hurt, but it did make a beautiful piece.
Great job.

-Annie
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
....For me if I had to be critical I’m not sure I get the reasoning behind “W e a k [...] M e e k,” for me it has the effect of taking me out of the piece. Perhaps that was the intention?

I look forward to seeing how this develops.

Cheers

Syd

Sometimes I play with word spacing to give the words a “look” if you will. To break them up visually. Also in this instance if I were speaking it, the two words in question would be drawn out. If that makes sense.
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
Hi there!

Thank you for sharing your work with us! "I cower and confess.. i'm another cold body.. you warmed over... just to kill off your loneliness". That hit me. I'm sorry this seems to be coming from a place of hurt, but it did make a beautiful piece.
Great job.

-Annie

Thank you,Annie. All of my poetry comes from despair or angst or negative emotion. It’s how I exorcise the ugly emotions.
 
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