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(Unfinished) Chapter 1 - Untitled Fantasy Story (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
Hey, guys. I created an earlier thread about how I feel I am going through my story too fast - the pace of the writing is fine, but I'm blasting through the story, e.g stuff I thought would be on page 10 or 15, I'm writing on page 4... if one sees that I perhaps am actually having that trouble, any ideas on how to fix the issue would be greatly appreciated. :) This is my NaNoWriMo attempt, too.

Vincente I

This was not supposed to happen.

These words, Vincente Paxton uttered, aboard the battered ship of his possession. Along with him in the ship, around twenty men, all with sheathes loosened and frowns on their faces. Behind the Paxton Ship was a fleet of six other ships, each holding around the same amount of men as the first. There would be seven behind him, but one had been destroyed before they could retreat with it. The ships had departed from the cool, lush land of Austroya, to return to their homes in Britanna, a land so cold it might as well only see Fall and Winter.

“Which bay do we need to arrive at,” asked a soldier, “Heartford, Mannerton, or Windsworth?”

“We need to bring this to Theodore, my brother, our king. We need to reach Heartford,” Vincente replied, with a look of loathing. Or perhaps it was a look of disappointment – disappointment in his army. Eight ships full of men who couldn't handle a little surprise! Vincente didn't know how he would explain such a dumbfounding loss. He knew the king would be polite to a small fault, but how would he react to such poor control of a battle? Before long, the smell of wine had hit his nose. The soldiers were rummaging through the cabinets and pulling bottles out to drink after such a spirit-crushing failure. He couldn't have expected anything different. Drunkenness and failures go together like a sword and a shield. Tempted to join in, Vincente had to resist. The king might let this slide if I give him a reasonable excuse. How could I deliver that excuse drunk?

Suddenly, the door to the ship cabin opened. It was the captain, with a map in his left hand and a tray of food squished between his side and his right palm. He placed the tray on the wood floor, in the middle of the ring of soldiers, and approached Vincente.

“I need to know where to go, Ser. Which region must we set a course for?” the captain said, with a low, almost hushed tone.

“We need to head to Heartford. The king must know of this, as much as he will hate it.”

“Do you know how you will explain it to him?”

“What can I say but the facts? We lost a surprise battle against forces of equal or smaller size. What do I say about our losses or our preparedness, though? We lost a ship to those b------s. We lost an eighth of our overseas forces to an army of no more than 100 people! All this because they couldn't handle a group of barbarians!”

Vincente was beginning to yell and pound at the floor with his fists. “You need to calm down,” the captain interrupted, “you were surprised. These things happen in war. You can't win them all. You can only just hope to win enough. I know the king, I command his fleet. The king will not be harsh. Just don't p--- him off with what you say, then he'll talk to the Loehmanns and they'll work it out from there.”

Ah, yes, the Loehmanns. The second half of the council of Britanna. Vincente knew the history of the Paxtons and the Loehmanns – they were almost the same family, they were so tightly woven together. If anything's gonna be done about this, the Paxtons and the Loehmanns are the ones to do it. Vincente was still quite angry at his soldiers, but somehow the fact that the Loehmanns would get involved made him feel better. It even opened up his appetite.

“The trip will be about three or four hours. I think it'd be best if you ate, ser.” said the captain.

The captain then went back to the wheel to set a course for Heartford, and Vincente ate and drank with the other soldiers. It wasn't very much food, and it wasn't very good either. It was about a quarter-wheel of cheese sporting a few blue spots, and some meat. No one knew what it was, but some had suspected it was as bad as meat from the varmints on the ship. The fleet, though owned by a kingdom as prestigious and wealthy as the Paxtons, was no stranger to rats, with some ships holding more than others. It was particularly bad on the lead ship, though. It seemed no one could put their palm on the deck without having at least three s---- stick to the skin. At least there's wine, thought Vincente, finally dropping his promise of abstinence to the alcohol. It's a three hour trip, he thought, I'll p--- it or puke it out eventually.

The hours went by slowly at first, but went faster as Vincente grew more calm – and drunker. By the second hour he was already sleeping off the wine. But, he was suddenly awoken to the sound of bells, birds, and wood creaks.

“The ships have docked! We are now at Heartford!” shouted the captain. Vincente's hearing was rather warbled. Perhaps he had not slept off as much of the wine as he had hoped. If there was any doubt before, he was certain it was still in him when he walked halfway down the ramp, stumbled and threw up his worthless meal of moldy cheese and rat into the sea.He was too drunk and his head hurt too much to think it in words, but he knew he could not approach the king in his current manner. He climbed on top of his horse, who was visibly shaken by his rider's silly, stumbling state. He rode to a small market and asked for the strongest coffee they had.

“And some berries, too!” he shouted so loudly he gave himself a headache. He got the coffee and a bowl of berries. There weren't too many, as the cold was not the season for them, but it was better than nothing. Vincente drank the coffee slowly, for if he had drunk it too fast, he feared it's sobering effect would be weakened. Or worse, he'd throw up again. Once he was sober enough that he felt he could approach Theodore, he ate the berries before getting back on his horse. At least now it will smell like I had a decent meal.

Vincente rode through Heartford to the castle in which the King of Britanna resided, Theodore Paxton. As he walked to the halls, with a hand at his mouth, he tested the smell of his breath once more – you can never be too sure with the King. He also quick detoured to his barracks to put on a fresh set of armor. The last set soaked up a bit too much of the vomit and wine. Once changed, he ran to Theodore's throne. His eyes met with the King – Theodore had a slight smirk on his face. He's happy to see me. That's a great start already!

Vincente went up to the throne, kneeled, and said, “My lord and brother, Theodore. I come with unfortunate news.”

“Speak, General,” Theodore replied, with a low-toned, raspy voice.

“The conquest for Austroya had failed. We had taken it over, but a while later, we were ambushed by another group of swordsmen. They were not related to the conquest or the area we took over in any way. They were not the former inhabitants, they were a completely new enemy.”

“How large was this army, Vincente?”

“About a hundred-twenty men or so. They were extremely barbaric. What they lacked in tactic, they had more than made up for in brute strength. Some of these warriors had to have been over two meters tall, with muscles the size of our heads!”

“Why were you not more prepared for an attack like this? From the way you describe it, the army was smaller than yours.”

Vincente's tone grew disappointed, same as it was on the ship. “I have no real explanation for that, my lord. It just came out of nowhere. They emerged from over the hills and began a slaughter.”

“Did they have anything other than their swords? Ships, catapults, or whatever else you can think of?”

“They did have one thing... perhaps a relic of a tribe or ancestors. It was some large structure with the texture of rocks, but the shape of eggs. I'm not sure what the importance is, but they guarded it, nevertheless. Other than the eggs, though, nothing. Just an army.”

“And, what did you lose?”

“A ship and about fifteen or twenty men.”

“It's settled, then. You willreturn eventually, but not without more training and a replenished army.”

“How are we to get those things, my lord?” Vincente had eagerly hoped Theodore would mention the Loehmanns at some point.

“We will need to reach the Loehmanns – meet at the council of Mannerton and discuss how to go about this situation.”

The king then called for his adviser, “Freedman!” The sound of a man jogging in leather boots echoed through the halls and grew louder until Freedman had approached the king.

He said, “Yes, my lord?”

“Write a letter to Denvir Loehmann. I need him and his family to meet mine at the Council of Mannerton in about three days. We need to discuss military and marital matters.”

With a nod, Freedman had run back to his chambers, ready to write the letter. Marital matters, wondered Vincente, perhaps the Paxtons and Loehmanns are joining together after all.

Theodore then told Vincente, “Please, go to my wife and children. Inform them of this and tell them that they will need to depart with me to Mannerton by two days. You must come, too.”

Why must I come? Vincente wondered what he would provide at Mannerton. But, he did not come to question the king – only to do what he needed. Vincente bowed and walked through the halls to reach the family's chambers. The halls were filled with room after large room of everything a king would need. The dining room with green walls and a shiny marble floor, held at least forty people and that still included room for food and servers. Another room, the war room, had a table-map of Britanna and showed the separation of the what the Paxtons and the Loehmanns owned. It also had a few maps of other continents and areas, some weapons and a suit of armor for decoration. Finally, he reached the family's chambers. In it were three beds, books, some chairs, and the family.

“My Lady, Arryn. Children. Your father had requested I come to inform you of a departure.”

“What departure,” asked Queen Arryn. Her long brown hair was undone, with one eyebrow cocked, and her hands were pressed to her hips.

“King Theodore has requested a meeting at Mannerton with the Loehmanns about military and marital matters, and he commanded that all of us must go. Freedman is writing the request letter as we speak.”

“Military matters,” Arryn pondered, “what happened that we need to meet about that?”

Vincente explained what he had told the king regarding what happened at Austroya...
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Senior Member
Seem very interesting so far. Got the gritty feel of them times of old really well. Can tell that he was really pained by there defeat throughout the chapter. Felt like you stopped mid way though the chapter itself but other than that it felt rather solid overall.


Senior Member
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I did stop rather abruptly, because it is closer to the middle of the chapter. I had written that it was unfinished in the title, because I was still writing it, but was stuck. I think come later tonight or tomorrow, though, I'll have more words pouring out. Plus, I also need to stop worrying about word counts and page counts. I feel that if I hit 50,000 words and my novel is finished, great. If fewer words, great. If I wind up writing a 125,000 word novel, great, too. The important part is the story.

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