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Uncovered Lies (1 Viewer)

Ruby1120

Senior Member
Here is the beginning of a story i started a few months ago, let me know what you think :)


Just tell me what you want!” Macey yelled, “Then let me go!”
A husky man walked over to her chair in the middle of the dim cement room. “That’s just the problem young lady, you are what we want.”
The mans’ voice sent a chill through Macey’s spine. “What do you mean?” she managed to sputter, “Who’s we?
The man grinned. “We are an organization of, well, people. We need you because you have the key to our success.”
The mans’ words made no sense to Macey, what key? What success?
“You go to Fairhill Secondary, don’t you?” he asked, with his eyebrows raised.
Macey nodded.
“Well, there’s a little criminal work brewing inside your school,” he told her, “Heard anything about it?”
She shook her head. “No.”
The man bit his lip. “Okay then, well, obviously, we can’t go in there and pretend to be one of them, as you can see, I couldn’t pass as a tenth grader,” he gestured to his legs. The man was undoubtedly at least six and a half feet tall. “So we need someone more around their age to spy for us and give us proof of what they are doing. You with me?”
Macey nodded. Too stunned to speak. What kind of criminal activity? Who could it be?
The man must’ve read her thoughts. “We don’t know what they’re doing, but we do know who it is.”
Macey’s mind raced. “Who is it?”
The man’s grin subsided into a frown. “We can’t tell you anything more about this, unless we know you are with us for sure.”
“But that’s not fair! I’ve got to know what I’m getting into!” Macey cried.
The man’s voice softened, “ I wish I could tell you more, I really do,” he glanced around the room, “but I’ve got strict orders to not tell you anything else.”
“Who gave you these orders? And why did you pick me?”
The man crouched beside the chair leaning close to her ear. “If you agree to be with us, I can tell you everything.”
With that he straightened back up and leaned against a cement pillar in front of the chair Macey was tied up to. He stared at her with a stare that said nothing more than: ‘Co-operate, and it will all be okay.’
Macey sighed. “Fine.”
The man’s eyes lit up, though his mouth was in a thin line. “Well, I guess I can at least tell you my name then.” He walked over to her chair and untied the rope that was binding Macey’s hands together around the back. Macey stayed seated. Not knowing what to do next.
The man held out his hand. “I’m Bray.”
Macey shook his hand. “I’m Macey. But I guess you already knew that.”
Bray smiled, “Yes, yes I did.”
This time Macey smiled back. “I should have known.”


1.
The pair walked to the cold metal door in silence. Bray trying to keep his long legs in pace with the sixteen year old. This was all new for him. But he was sure he’d done his job just right. They’d asked him to be harsh and cold, to get the promise out of her mouth. He’d done just that. They’d asked him to soften up after she gave him her promise. He’d done that. Feeling very elated, Bray picked up his pace to open the door for Macey.
“Thanks.” She mumbled as she passed through the door.
Bray answered with a small nod of his head.
Outside of the cold cement room, was a long hallway. There were only about three other doors separated by at least twenty feet. Macey wondered where the other doors led, but didn’t bother to ask. Just as she was about to ask where they were going, Bray turned down another hall that Macey hadn’t noticed. At the far end, she could see a door with a window, sunlight was shining through.
“What time is it?” asked Macey.
Bray checked his watch, “Ten after ten.”
Macey stopped walking. “How long have I been here for?”
“About three hours only.” He looked at her, confused, “Why?”
“It-it’s just that,” Macey stuttered, “it doesn’t feel like its been that long...Whatdidyoudo!” She shouted. Bray grabbed her arm to relax her.
“We used a drug, just to get you to calm down, it wasn’t a harmful medication, it has completely worn off by now,” he cut off as Macey tried to pull her arm away. She was surprised when he let her hand free.
“How long was I out for?” Macey asked, leaning against the wall.
“About an hour and a half, nothing more, I promise you,” Bray said in a soothing voice. Macey didn’t say anything, glancing from Bray to the door, and back again. Bray took a step backwards, and leaned against the opposite wall, staring at Macey in silence.
Finally Macey said, “The only way I am staying, is if you never,” her voice was strict, “give me medication, without my permission. Okay?”
Bray nodded solemnly, “I promise.” With that he strode to the door, holding it open for Macey. She jogged down the hall to catch up.

Outside it was a sunny spring morning. The sky was all blue, with dozens of fluffy white clouds. Birds were flying overhead, chirping happily, but it was around her, that Macey was taking in. Behind her was a large, boring looking, grey building, looking somewhat like a school, and a prison. In front of her was what looked like a park, except it had a sort of military style to it.
After he thought Macey had enough time to look around, Bray led her across a cement walk that took them straight across the perfectly cut green.
“Do you mind me asking where we’re going?” Macey asked as she struggled to keep up to Bray.
He slowed to her pace. “We’re going to see my boss, a very wealthy and important man of business. I suggest you be polite to him or he might have a change of plans for you.”
Macey didn’t say anything but instead glanced at her outfit. She was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and her ancient DC skate shoes. Underneath her jacket she had on a simple red T-shirt. If I had known I was going to be kidnapped and taken to a rich, significant business man I’d have tried to look a bit nicer Macey thought.



2.
The path led to another grey cement building similar to the first except for one main thing. It looked more welcoming. Instead of looking like a prison it looked like a castle. Beautiful gardens filled with colourful, blossoming flowers skirted around the outside of the building. Macey thought it looked of something from a storybook. Bray knocked on the wooden front door as Macey stood a ways back. It was answered by a young woman no older than twenty five.
“Mr Collins.” The woman nodded politely and let them in. Bray exchanged a few hushed words with the other woman and then turned to Macey.
“Mr Alesworth is waiting,” he said, and gestured to the a set of marble stairs that curved up to the second floor.
Macey gulped and started up the stairs with Bray close behind. With so many questions in her head, Macey could only think of one big one: What the hell was going on?
They reached the top of the stairs and Bray directed them towards a regular office door with a frosted glass window. On the glass in black paint were the words: Mr Alesworth. Whoever this guy was, he was sure big on his name Macey mused. Bray courteously knocked on the door and stood back.
A voice came from inside the room, “Come in.”
Bray turned the handle and pushed the door open. Inside was what Macey, if she hadn’t known better, could have mistaken as the president’s office. Straight from the door, in front of a gigantic glass window, stood a heavy mahogany desk. Seated behind the desk was a young man. Macey stopped abruptly and gasped. It wasn’t that she was frightened; or upset. She was stunned. The young man behind the desk looked no more than nineteen or possibly twenty. He was dressed in a very expensive looking black suit which went perfectly with his dark brown hair. He sat at the desk with ideal posture and his jaw set. Macey couldn’t help but stare into those incredible green eyes.....that were staring directly back at her.
“Is something wrong?” the young man asked as he stood up to greet them.
“Uh, no, not at all, I’m sorry,” Macey sputtered. Bray was glancing between Macey and the young man nervously.
The young man smiled smoothing out his thin set jaw. “Well in that case, let me introduce myself,” he held out his hand, “I’m Tyler Alesworth. But please, call me Tyler.”
Macey took his hand graciously, “It’s a pleasure, Tyler. I’m Macey, Macey Rossland.”
“Nice to meet you too Macey,” Tyler smiled, his eyes gleaming. Macey held his gaze for a few seconds until Bray cleared his throat. Tyler blinked and walked back to his desk, “Please, have a seat.”
Macey and Bray sat down on the two leather chairs sitting opposite the desk.
“Now, lets get to work,” Tyler opened a few drawers and pulled out a stack of papers. “Your name is Macey Rossland, you go to Fairhill Secondary, you’re in grade ten, sixteen years old. Am I right?”
Macey’s eyes widened. “Umm yeah, but how do you know all this?” She glanced to Bray expectantly.
Bray looked briefly to Tyler before speaking. “We’ve done a little research, wouldn’t want to just snatch up any girl and get them to do work for us, no. We know what we’re putting you up to, and we know we’ve got the right person for the job.”
Tyler nodded to Bray approvingly. Macey let her mind settle down before she spoke.
“So...Let me get this straight, you think I’m the umm,” she made air quotes, “man for the job?”
“I guess you could say that!” Tyler laughed, “So would you like to know what exactly we want you to do?”
Macey let out a sigh of relief. “I thought you’d never ask, yes of course!”
Tyler clapped his hands together happily, “Just let me get the papers.” He stood up and walked over to a dark red filing cabinet, quickly scanned through it then pulled out a folder. He handed it to Bray and sat back down behind the desk.
“Everything you need to know is in this folder,” Bray patted it and continued, “If you have inquiries of any sort, just let us know and we’d be happy to help you understand.”
Macey took the folder from Bray and nodded. “So should I look over it now, or....?”
“Ah! I almost forgot!” Tyler grabbed the phone that lay on his desk, and dialled. “Yes, send her in. Now.”
Macey raised her eyebrows, “Send who-”
At that moment the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was a girl that was no older than 12. She had shiny black hair and deeply tanned skin. As soon as she saw Tyler, the girl ran to him with opened arms. Tyler leaned down and picked her up into a hug.
Bray sat smiling at the two. Macey stared, waiting to be introduced to their new company. Tyler then put the girl down and sat.
“This is my niece, Alicia. She will see to it that you have all your needs taken care of and that you read over and sign everything in there,” he pointed to the folder in Macey’s hands.
“Oh...Okay,” Macey stood up and smiled at Alicia, “I’m Macey, nice to meet you.”
The girl smiled politely and nodded. “If you’d like to follow me, I can show you to the room you’ll be staying in until we have your permanent suite made up and cleaned.”
“Okay that sounds awesome,” Macey stood up and looked to Bray and then to Tyler, “Thanks, I guess I’ll see you two later?”
“Yes, for dinner I think,” Tyler smiled.
“All right then, I’ll see you later!” Macey couldn’t help but smile back into his green eyes.

Out in the hall Alicia lead Macey down a few corridors and up one set of stairs until they reached a heavy wooden door. Alicia searched through her pocket and pulled out two card keys. She handed one to Macey and slid the other one into the slot by the door handle.
 

Olly Buckle

Mentor
Patron
Nice clean writing, only two nits I spotted, almost next to each other
in front of the chair Macey was tied up to. He stared at her with a stare that said nothing more than: ‘Co-operate, and it will all be okay.’

"The chair Macey was tied to" sounds better to me, and what else could he stare at her with but a stare? I should lose one of them

That she was so accepting after being drugged and tied up is a bit unbelievable.
 

mgencleyn

Senior Member
I think Bray could use a tad little bit more of a description. And Alicia running to her uncle sounds like it had been a long time since they'd seen each other. So I'd expect some dialog between the two.

I thought the same as Olly Buckle; the beginning is too convenient. Maybe Bray could express a sense of need for her assistance with more sensitivity, playing on her natural empathy to help a stranger in need?

Otherwise, looks like you have the makings of an interesting story. Pacing, which I'm sensitive to, also felt very comfortable.
 

Ruby1120

Senior Member
Thanks for your critiquing! Umm I'm not really sure how I should make it more believable about Macey being drugged....I'm only fourteen and I'm really hoping to learn a lot from being a member of this website, I just joined...So if you have any more ideas or thoughts about it please let me know!
 

Ruby1120

Senior Member
@ mgencleyn Thanks for your thoughts...Bray is supposed to be a bit of a...mysterious character in the story....I'm planning on having more about him later on, but thanks for your input! Also about Alicia and Tyler, well my thoughts were that she is a very adoring niece and she would love to spend more time with him except that Tyler is a very busy, mysterious boss of a very important mysterious company...you see what I'm trying to get at? Haha okay well thanks so much for your replies they've been very helpful! I'm new to this site so if there's anything that I should need to know.....please let me know! thanks :)
 
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