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Unclean- a psychological short (1 Viewer)

Dawson

Senior Member
(This is inspired by my own experiences with severe mental illness, and is my own take on Lady Macbeth's famous hand-washing scene. I hope it doesn't count as fanfic since it's about Roberta Hobbes, not, like, Lady Macbeth or anything... Anywho. Psychological thriller, short-story. ENJOY! More criticism is best criticism!)

Haunted by my own thoughts, temptations, my drive to kill, came a woman- no- a beast- an apparition. Her name was Gabbie. She was no stranger to me. In fact, she was me. Imported from the future, directly into my own wretched mind, luckily enough! Hah! A killer so cold and reckless. My own self. My own future. My own destiny. Haunting me. With no chance of escape. Always looming over me, reminding me, to put it subtly, that I was fucked in the head, and fucked in the end.

Though she was long gone that night. That sleepless night. Rather, that sleepless night after many. Medications had ceased to suffice and sedate. I paced the corridor of my dorm. I paced and I paced and I paced. Then, I heard a familiar laugh that absolutely chilled me to the bone. It froze my restless heart.

My actual body froze. I tried to move, but I couldn’t. The thoughts rushed back. Visions of gore, or blood, of death. I felt guilt for what Gabbie had done. She was me! She was me! My clothes were bloody. My hands were damp and sanguine. My whole self- body and mind- was unclean. Defiled. By my own actions. By my own self.

Suddenly, I regained my ability to move. The hallway grew shakier and I started to get dizzy. The lights began to flicker slightly. And then- as mundane as it sounds- everything started to have an eerie pink glow.

Pink was always Gabbie’s color. Every time she’d talk about killing or try to tempt me to kill or maim, I’d be flooded with a sea of pink in my head. Pink- a color to remind me that I was supposedly the “weaker” sex. Pink- the color of my genitals and hideous nipples. Pink- the color of Gabbie. Pink- the color of death.

I then pushed myself a wall and started to repeat my name. “Roberta Hobbes. I AM Roberta Hobbes.” It continued. I kept seeing the pink, the flickering, and hearing Gabbie’s demented laughter. Visions of death played on in my head. I still felt sick and wet. “MY NAME IS ROBERTA HOBBES AND I AM STUDYING TO BE A DOCTOR!” It went on. “I am Roberta Hobbes. I am Roberta Hobbes. I am Roberta Hobbes and I am a decent human being, I swear!”

I knelt on the floor, staring at my hands, simply repeating the phrase, “I am Roberta Hobbes and I am a decent human being,” and “My name is Roberta Hobbes!” until all I could manage to do is lay on the floor in a ball muttering my name, wishing that one of the corpses that Gabbie was showing me would end up being me. So I could escape the inevitable fate- that damned prophecy. I eventually passed out, at the end of the hallway, in sheer terror, and woke up, simply glad to pass as somewhat sane again, never to hear from Gabbie again, but still ever-haunted by her memory, and of course the prophecy of my fated career.
 
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Plasticweld

Senior Member
Very crisp, I really like the short sentences. I would break it up starting either new lines or paragraphs after more often, it would add a dramatic step and show a pause a little clearer to the reader.


It maybe that you wrote in the fashion on purpose. As I reads now it is like someone rushing to tell you something all in one quick burst.



Like the story too by the way...Bob
 

Dawson

Senior Member
Thank you very much!

I actually copied this from my Tumblr, so the formatting is a bit off, sadly.

It originally did have more spaces between paragraphs when I wrote it on my phone.
 

Plasticweld

Senior Member
I wondered if that was the case. You have a nice style of writing, a real intensity to it, looking forward to seeing more of your work.
 

Dawson

Senior Member
Changed the formatting a bit, and made it nicer to look at.

8)

Going to be posting the (tentative) first chapter of my fantasy novel in a few, after its first revision, but its genre is pretty different. Still pretty bloody though. Actually, it makes this look weak. Haha.

I'm very glad you enjoyed my style though! Makes me proud, and makes the Catholic schooling system seem like less of a failure in one respect at least!
 

HMCBHT

Senior Member
I agree with pretty much everything Plasticweld said: "crisp" is exactly the word I would have used to describe it. Good story, good writing style.
 

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