So today I went to walmart and noticed among the flawlessness that is the marveloussness of pristine tile floors and shining incandescent lightbulbs a few things… make carlos angry things…
1)
I hate old people… you know the ones I’m talking about. They stand at the entrance of the walmart seemingly guarding the way towards the fabled land of nick-nacks and other completely useless items that you would otherwise never purchase but upon finding them in the walmart a full thirteen cents off you must journey to the register and purchase them. Lo! Before you can make this sojourn you are confronted by gnarled grasping fingers attempting to do all manners of horrible vile things to your person. Be it aggravating cheek pinching, exasperating coupon giving, or the dreaded shop-cart granting techniques, any employed by these antiques of human nature are equally life threatening and the only hope one has at survival is to perform a nimble Jackie Chan-like acrobatic move to send you somersaulting over their creaking bald heads and land artfully on the aisle floor where you may gleefully proceed towards the fabled land of nick-nacks and ceramic cats…. ahhhh….
2)
I hate useless employees… especially the ones who ask if they can help you. You see five minutes prior before being offered help you had to travel far from the current area you were in perusing the cheap dvd’s all the way to the garden section to request a employees aid in finding a copy of Mona Lisa Smile at a rollback cheap price. And with walmart alacrity and effulgence you are soon met by a tall, thin, pasty-pale, freckled, red-head boy whom you know has not seen sunlight in over three centuries… yes… this is an electronics employee… So you repeat your query to the boy that has no friends but the ones he creates on his computer and all he does is stare at you with vacant slack-jawed expression. Slapping his face lightly you assure him that you are indeed of the human race unlike himself and need a dvd where he finally resumes wakefulness and informs you that he shall check in the back for a copy when you know that this ‘back’ does not truly exist but is only a figment of the stock boys imagination and attempt to stop him from abandoning you in your search but he is gone, never to be seen again. So you of course abandon the quest yourself and take a shortcut through the Tupperware section when you hear the raspy voice of an elderly man pressing a coupon book into your hands for an 87 slice toaster and asking if you need assistance in completing your Tupperware search… growl…
3)
I hate fake bargains… oh the lure of the dvd discovered costing only 19 dollars and 74 cents. It calls to me like a long lost lover whispering to me that it is only 19 dollars and 74 cents. It entrances me with tales of dvds in other stores costing an entire 19 dollars and NINETY NINE cents!!! An outrage it says and hypnotizes my mind. Of course… how could I be so blind? Why pay an entire twenty-five cents more? That’s an entire quarter! Think of the things I could buy with that quarter… like… An entire gumball! Amazed at my own previous stupidity my hand slowly raises to the dvd that is an entire quarter less than in other stores. Visions of quarters dancing in my head I blissfully collect 25 dvds. Now I will have enough for Twenty-Five gumballs!!! MWAHAHA! I quickly hurry to the register and pay for the dvds in a clandestine manner and go to the gumball machine to spend my winnings. Not until I reach my house of and shove every gumball into my mouth and have each of the twenty five copies of Mona Lisa Smile unwrapped I ask myself… What in the hell do I need with twenty five copies of Mona Lisa Smile? AHH thwarted again by the fake bargain!! NOOOO!!!
1)
I hate old people… you know the ones I’m talking about. They stand at the entrance of the walmart seemingly guarding the way towards the fabled land of nick-nacks and other completely useless items that you would otherwise never purchase but upon finding them in the walmart a full thirteen cents off you must journey to the register and purchase them. Lo! Before you can make this sojourn you are confronted by gnarled grasping fingers attempting to do all manners of horrible vile things to your person. Be it aggravating cheek pinching, exasperating coupon giving, or the dreaded shop-cart granting techniques, any employed by these antiques of human nature are equally life threatening and the only hope one has at survival is to perform a nimble Jackie Chan-like acrobatic move to send you somersaulting over their creaking bald heads and land artfully on the aisle floor where you may gleefully proceed towards the fabled land of nick-nacks and ceramic cats…. ahhhh….
2)
I hate useless employees… especially the ones who ask if they can help you. You see five minutes prior before being offered help you had to travel far from the current area you were in perusing the cheap dvd’s all the way to the garden section to request a employees aid in finding a copy of Mona Lisa Smile at a rollback cheap price. And with walmart alacrity and effulgence you are soon met by a tall, thin, pasty-pale, freckled, red-head boy whom you know has not seen sunlight in over three centuries… yes… this is an electronics employee… So you repeat your query to the boy that has no friends but the ones he creates on his computer and all he does is stare at you with vacant slack-jawed expression. Slapping his face lightly you assure him that you are indeed of the human race unlike himself and need a dvd where he finally resumes wakefulness and informs you that he shall check in the back for a copy when you know that this ‘back’ does not truly exist but is only a figment of the stock boys imagination and attempt to stop him from abandoning you in your search but he is gone, never to be seen again. So you of course abandon the quest yourself and take a shortcut through the Tupperware section when you hear the raspy voice of an elderly man pressing a coupon book into your hands for an 87 slice toaster and asking if you need assistance in completing your Tupperware search… growl…
3)
I hate fake bargains… oh the lure of the dvd discovered costing only 19 dollars and 74 cents. It calls to me like a long lost lover whispering to me that it is only 19 dollars and 74 cents. It entrances me with tales of dvds in other stores costing an entire 19 dollars and NINETY NINE cents!!! An outrage it says and hypnotizes my mind. Of course… how could I be so blind? Why pay an entire twenty-five cents more? That’s an entire quarter! Think of the things I could buy with that quarter… like… An entire gumball! Amazed at my own previous stupidity my hand slowly raises to the dvd that is an entire quarter less than in other stores. Visions of quarters dancing in my head I blissfully collect 25 dvds. Now I will have enough for Twenty-Five gumballs!!! MWAHAHA! I quickly hurry to the register and pay for the dvds in a clandestine manner and go to the gumball machine to spend my winnings. Not until I reach my house of and shove every gumball into my mouth and have each of the twenty five copies of Mona Lisa Smile unwrapped I ask myself… What in the hell do I need with twenty five copies of Mona Lisa Smile? AHH thwarted again by the fake bargain!! NOOOO!!!