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Ugh 1 (1 Viewer)

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So I went to the beach today. had some fun but noticed other stuff.... make carlos angry stuff...

i hate ppl... especially really fat, pale, ugly ppl who havent seen the sun in the last 5 years and in fact the only golden thing they HAVE seen every day is a twinkie and then they DO take a trip to the beach they decide to squeeze into the eetsy beetsy tiny bikini and/or thong and then lay out on the beach causing an eclipse of the sun b.c their shamu-ness acts like a whole nother dune that just blocks ny chance of sunlight from reaching the rest of us. And as we're all running around in the sand blind and horrified at the massive testament to lard and crisco that lies before our eyes we feel an ominous rumble as yet another of their species marks its territory in the sand... oh the humanity

i hate seaweed... not the nice yummy seaweed u find in sushi bars but the nasty itchy rough seaweed that for some reason infests my local beach and as you're swimming your leg kicks and the massive hand that is of satan reaches up out of the depths and wraps lengths and lengths of green insanity around ur ankles and u kick and u kick trying to free yourself but u only seem to antagonize the beast that is seaweed for all it does is flail about and hit ur other leg and make that one spasmodically jerk in fear from an unseen touch that is slimy and icky and then when u finally free yourself of its clutches u swim freely trying to partake in the gloriousness that is the open sea and waves when suddenly... the seaweed strikes again

i hate the sun... now dont get me wrong a little sun can be a good thing, i mean otherwise how else could we see? and how could plants produce sugar and store it in little heavenly sugary tasting fruity objects that we call ovaries? and how would we be able to differentiate the people who suck from the people who dont? (a pointedly racist comment that i really dont believe in but was speaking sarcastically in order to make fun of the other rednecks out there). BUT there's a point when the sun goes TOO far! when that malicious burning eye of fire leans down to mere centimeters above the frying pan that is our planet and glares and glares at us thinking to itself "why are they bursting into flame? Mebbe i should get closer and find out" and then it leans but closer and u can hear the skin on ur body begin to sizzle and melt and u look down and u realize ur staring at a skeleton b.c the sun has seared away all ur flesh and internal organs and squeegly spooge and u attempt to dance around and sing like Jack Skellington but then u bump into the lard mountain and as it jiggles and juggles like an enormous jello mold and u back away in terror u trip and fall on ur ass and u look down to see what enterprising object has stolen ur ability to walk and u find.... SEAWEED!!! AAAUUUUGH!!!!

myself... whilst swimming through the ocean dodging seaweed and skirting the line between lard eclipse and boiling water i looked down and noticed that i was neutrally bouyant, that is i neither sank nor float (for the 2 non-marine science majors out there), and then i realized... wait a tic, i should be sinking right now. u know, muscle being denser than fat yadda yadda yadda and then it dawned on me... IM FAT!!! NOOOOOO i mean i wasnt always buoyant i used to sink like a stone in all manners of water be it fresh, salt, brackish, or jello, especially during sports when i have soccer or football or track to keep me active, but now when i go to sleep every morning thinking... i will wake up early and go running but then i wake up in the afternoon and think... no, no i will not go running, for it is a terrible idea. what was i thinking? and then i pass through the day and realize that im soon to be gaining Hutt status i say to myself as i fall asleep at 2am... i will wake up early and go running... but no, no i dont... y u ask? cuz im LAZY!!! and y am i lazy? cuz... well i dont feel like takin the effort to tell u

well other than those four things i must say that it was a wondeful day at the beach
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