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Tyrant (1 Viewer)

Otviss

Senior Member
She pushes her insomnia with a dance of tendrils. By the shoreline, commanding, the fumes of pain. Whether Serrating. Clues of invincible whispers. Charts of joining. Jesters retort.

Farewell to the eastern sinking in papers. Upcoming trickeries, jogging from lust. Crystals and teal fathoms singing. As neither will stay. Not all potent ticking can deliver the message.

This ointment considers frantic yells of men. Use it wisely. Imminent portraying, a test of gender. But she of all, with devilish knowledge. Popping the bubbles in one shape or form. Listen to your mothers. Creation at its best. Noises betray the lonely, those in absence. Hungry for slime.

Clueless each night, the jaunting cranes. A murdering exemplar cursed by a tongue of ascendance. Quick, better hurry. As the sneezing dogs near. Tucked away sisters, mist that seeps, rogues that climb ladders day in, day out. Speak to her. Kiss her. Kneel by her vines. Seldom the new crashing.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Your first line is stunning and completely fabulous... BUT ;) .. for me, this went sideways and many of your beautiful lines were lost in word debris....

I would love to see you active and offering comments to others, yeah, this is a "Showcase" but we should always be eager to learn, improve and support other poets...the way to GET comments... is to GIVE comments...you have a cool way with words, and I think you have a lot to offer other poets... of course, if you only want to showcase your poems, and you don't want comments, you could add that at the bottom of your poem ;)
 

stuub27

Senior Member
Otviss,
You have an amazing knack for smashing words and images together. Collisions that scream through fascinated, confused and slightly disturbed eyes. Makes for compelling reading...To a point.
For mine, you need more cohesion and/or direction. Of course, that only matters if you think it does.

I see your work as akin to abstract painting, so, yeah, certainly works on at least one level for me.

I hope that makes some kind of sense
 

Otviss

Senior Member
Your first line is stunning and completely fabulous... BUT ;) .. for me, this went sideways and many of your beautiful lines were lost in word debris....

I would love to see you active and offering comments to others, yeah, this is a "Showcase" but we should always be eager to learn, improve and support other poets...the way to GET comments... is to GIVE comments...you have a cool way with words, and I think you have a lot to offer other poets... of course, if you only want to showcase your poems, and you don't want comments, you could add that at the bottom of your poem ;)

Thanks for your comment! Looking back at it now I'm not sure the piece is finished so you are very free to suggest any improvements. Totally forgot about the existence of the workshop. I struggled a lot with the composition as there was a lot of things I wanted to fit in for the message to be clear. There's this staccato rhythm that was meant to be consistent throughout but looks like I changed my mind. Also thanks for reminding me to participate more in discussion. I read most of the posts! Just don't comment as much.
 

Otviss

Senior Member
Otviss,
You have an amazing knack for smashing words and images together. Collisions that scream through fascinated, confused and slightly disturbed eyes. Makes for compelling reading...To a point.
For mine, you need more cohesion and/or direction. Of course, that only matters if you think it does.

I see your work as akin to abstract painting, so, yeah, certainly works on at least one level for me.

I hope that makes some kind of sense

Stuub what a compliment. Truly grateful And what a way to critique! Take it straight to the heart. Yes I agree with you, like with most things I was too hasty posting this as I wanted it out for feedback. It's very true I work with abstract imagery with the words and very happy you appreciate it, as many don't. Will take a closer look at this one again and do some revisions!
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
One thing that causes me an issue, is all of the punctuation... you might think about, or play around with line breaks, in poetry line breaks are used to show the reader when to pause or make a full stop... stanzas also help your reader move from point A to B ... have you explored "free style" poetry?
 

Otviss

Senior Member
One thing that causes me an issue, is all of the punctuation... you might think about, or play around with line breaks, in poetry line breaks are used to show the reader when to pause or make a full stop... stanzas also help your reader move from point A to B ... have you explored "free style" poetry?

Gotcha and agreed. Will definitely check "free verse" out. Thinking that's what you meant.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Finding the right "style" for your poem will enhance it.. for instance, there are many types of rhyme schemes, like rhyming couplets, internal rhyme, abab, where the last word of every other line rhymes....Sonnets, Villanelles, Epic, and Free Verse [ Free Style]... ;)
 

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