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Twenty Years Young (1 Viewer)

Elvenswordsman

WF Veterans
Twenty marks the day that I pass from my teens
When life is expected to turn to routines
Every day is a blur, sleep-work-repeat
Never changing until this life is complete
Today marks the day that I pass from my teens
Yet still I place faith in my childhood dreams

Years long past did I choose to be great
Expecting that fortunes so easily inflate
Against odds I've succeeded up until now
Regardless of apathy, the universe somehow
Saw fit to position me in a place of potential

Young is the mind where faith is truth
Only, my faith has become so uncouth
Usurping, from others, the potential I hold
Negligent of the effects on my burgeoning mold
Growing concerned - I believe I'm losing my way.
 
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shedpog329

Senior Member
sweet enjambments

what would really be neat if you could somehow ballance a word play between the two
something thats gonna make the reader go hum...right?

Regardless of apathy, the universe somehow
Saw fit to position me in a place of potential


(Ok, so you've now been forced into this world where thought and perception are on the bound...its unavoidable

You have this potential...now use it in your next line)



Only, my faith has become so uncouth
Usurping, from others, the potential I hold
Negligent of the affects on my burgeoning mold

RIGHT HERE: I Wanna See This Evolve

(I want to be able to see this potential unfold its appearance....its seen in the first line you're on the edge of adulthood...no??....now then....from child to adult what does one take from it?)

Twenty marks the day that I pass from my teens
When life is expected to turn to routines
Every day is a blur, sleep-work-repeat
Never changing until this life is complete
Today marks the day that I pass from my teens
Yet still I place faith in my childhood dreams

Years long past did I choose to be great
Expecting that fortunes so easily inflate
Against odds I've succeeded up until now
Regardless of apathy, the universe somehow
Saw fit to position me in a place of potential
(OFF Rhyme Here Morale Potential Somehow....its fixed with an accent....try rendering this around.....i wanted to
put unfurl but im not sure if that works either)


Yet, youth is a mind where faith is true
Though my faith cried thru the filter
sodden from others, a potential grew
Birthed by the years, of a burgeoning mold
Concerns twenty years potential
For others to hold








With twenty yearsof potential
 
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Elvenswordsman

WF Veterans
Wondering if anyone noticed this -

Twenty Years Young

Twenty marks the day that I pass from my teens
When life is expected to turn to routines
Every day is a blur, sleep-work-repeat
N
ever changing until this life is complete
Today marks the day that I pass from my teens
Yet still I place faith in my childhood dreams

Years long past did I choose to be great
Expecting that fortunes so easily inflate
Against odds I've succeeded up until now
Regardless of apathy, the universe somehow
Saw fit to position me in a place of potential

Young is the mind where faith is truth
O
nly, my faith has become so uncouth
Usurping, from others, the potential I hold
Negligent of the affects on my burgeoning mold
Growing concerned - I believe I'm losing my way.
 

j.w.olson

Senior Member
I did notice that it was acrostic. Which is fun, but I feel like it made your sentence structure rather contrived in the third stanza. Really, you want to end on a strong note, and the awkward phrasing obscures the any meaning and leaves me a little -- apathetic.

I'd also suggest removing the line "Did you see what I did there?" because it calls attention to a gimmick. And if the poem ends that way, it means that I've just gotten confused by the last stanza, and then I find out that the entire purpose of the poem is to play out a gimmick. A little disappointing.

Still, perhaps that was the main purpose, and then it's done well enough. Good job paying some attention to meter and how words flow.
 

lcg

Senior Member
Nice poem... Though not rhyming at places but I believe that was of the effect you wanted to create.

Only two things :-

1) Expecting that fortunes so easily inflate - "So" does not seem the right word here. It makes the sentence sound incomplete.
2)
Negligent of the affects on my burgeoning mold-It should be "effects"?

 

CarsickPhil

Senior Member
I think this works well. The trick of getting the first letter of each line to spell out the message of the poem is nicely in tune with a young chap with a sense of his potential choosing to show off a little. The crumbling of the poem towards the end, as the early simple rhyming scheme degenerates, under the constraint of this tricksy force fit, underlines that the way is being lost. The story is complete.
 
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