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True Love (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
True Love.


When we walk together in the sun or cold
it makes no difference to me.
Your warmth wraps around my heart
and it's there for all to see.


That moment years ago
when we both said I do.
Have kept us on a path
For love is being
just me and you
and everything we understand.


We've had our ups and downs
just like everyone,
what makes us different
is they've made us strong.
So taking all into account
Our lives go on and on.
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
welcome to poets showcase-- a sweet poem about the love and bond between mates. I'd try to condense part of the poem clear away the redundancy. Just needs a little tightening and reliance on cliche. But the sentiment is there as well as the out pouring of love. Hope to see more of your poems

warmest
bob
 
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knottla

Senior Member
Thank you Bob for your review. I'll take note of your points. I can't argue with those as it seems I use the same formula in most of my writing. This piece was done as a song originally so I've edited the choruses out.
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi knottla - nice to meet you, I agree with what Bob's said but I do like your poem. Lots of peoples poems start off as songs and vice a versa (though they might not admit it). I imagine Bob was trying to say that the sentiment is there rather than the sediment (he's getting on a bit). I hope you post more. All the best petergrimes
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
True Love.


(When we walk)
together in the sun or cold
it makes no difference (to me)
Your warmth about my heart
(and it's) there for all to see The cadence of this line reads very well.

(Okay, anything in () is a bit superfluous. Try reading the piece aloud as is and without these sections. Consider what you hear. As to using rhymes, unless you are prepared to be consistent with them, they are better left off as they can be more hinderence than a help. Be conscious of the hazard. There is no rule that says a poem has to rhyme in any way. More often than not it does more harm than good.)


That moment years ago This line, again, nice cadence and I like the juxtaposition of the time. Moment vs years, good word play there.
(when) we (both) said I do. These are both redundant as the context clearly shows two people in the we.
(Have) kept us on a path
(For love is being ) Less can be more, don't over state the obvious. Readers get that from the title. Let established context do the work. The reader understands that love is the theme.

e.g
That moment years ago
we said I do
put us on a path
just me and you.

just me and you
(and everything we understand).


We've had our ups and downs So has everyone else, what makes this unique? Is the line functional yes, is it interesting, not really.
just like everyone, And then we have the obvious stated...
what makes us different Consider what make this piece different and illustrate. Readers are snoops they like to see the voice of a piece. (Life experience, moment in time, snap shots of memory etc...)
is they've made us strong. How so? Again, great place to illustrate instead of a vague statement...
(So) taking all into account This line I like, but consider removing the so...
Our lives go on (and on.)

This stanza is a bit on the generic side, not overly creative. There is nothing that has much of an identity or a voice. From a reader's standpoint it is ubiquitous. Take into account, personal experiences and bring that into play. Give love an identity beyond the overly used, universal theme. Bring identity to the table and say, Hey, this is my story, my voice. Consider what inspires those emotions and paint that picture. That is where the identity of the piece rests and it is needed here. [/QUOTE]

The premise and the intention are there, but this reads more like an outline than finished piece. Does it function, absolutely. Is it interesting? This is where it struggles a bit. It needs an identity beyond generic love. The emotions are real, but are muffled in safe phrasing. Safe...at odds with the truth of emotions. Take experience into account, bring those emotions to the fore and let the reader hear your voice. Consider using that second to last line as an opener.

Taking into account...build from there. Events good and bad. Illustrate, take a step beyond the obvious, safe statement. The sentiment is refeshingly honest, it just struggles to be heard.



- D.
 
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knottla

Senior Member
Thanks for your reply Darkkin. You are right about all those points. It's all about learning the use of words and emotions and as you say identifying myself in my own poetry. at the moment I'm like teasing the reader without actually really drawing them in. Again thank you for those pointers in future I'll bear that in mind.
 
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