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Titleless (Working title) (1 Viewer)

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This is a story that I tried to salvage from like 3 years ago. I managed to actually write the whole thing in present tense... So I had to change that... the piece still almost totally lacks description... of anything, so I need to work on that as well. Any way, just keep this in mind when you read it through...

[Word Count: 1436]

CHAPTER !

Shiroame and Pinikuu stumbled out of the remains of the wrecked iron flying machine. Its once brilliant red skin was scarred in many places showing the shiny silver color underneath. Pieces of the flying machine were stretched across the field in which it had landed.

“If we are where I think we are that thing goes really fast!” Pinikuu said looking back at the wreckage.

“What do you mean?” Shiroame asked

“I saw a town I am familiar with… and a few I’m not, but I’d say were a few weeks away from home.”

“But we couldn’t have been in that, that thing for more than 5 minutes?!” Shiroame yelled pointing to the ruined ship.

Pinikuu began walking back toward the way they came. “Well we are here, believe it or not. We had better get moving now.”

***

A strange man in black stared out of his window at the pillar of smoke rising from the forest. This man had a neatly kept beard, and a strong heavy build, although it was hard to spot through his cloak. He was at least 230 cm tall. This man was an oblivious leader “Hmm… what’s that…?” His voice boomed with authority.

“It’s smoke; maybe a forest fire or a festival.”

“Yeah, get the rest of the boys, that smoke looks be enough to be made for a festival or something.”

***

“Hey Pinikuu, how far do you think a town or something is?” Shiroame asked.

“Maybe a day or two at most. Not that far” Pinikuu said

“Not that far? What do you mean, how will we get food!?”

“Your such a wimp Ame. We will be fine I’ve been in worse situa—” She paused for a second, inturupting herself, then suddenly held up he hand signaling Shiroame to stop, “Wait if they aren’t coming out then…” She quickly throws down her bag and pulls out two pistols, “Ame! Draw your sword!”

“I already have!” Shiroame announces proudly holding a picture of the sword Pinikuu gave him.

“No I mean unsheathe it. I think we may be in for a battle.”

Shiroame unsheathes his sword with a sad look upon his face; his hard work having been totally ignored.

“What’s wrong?” he asks

“There have been people surrounding us, the only reason why they’d do this and not come out is if they are going to attack us… “

“Attack! Attack? But that means we have to fight!”

Pinikuu sighed, “No, we don’t. Follow me.” She looked around and began to run to her left. “Keep up,” She yelled back to Shiroame, “If we go fast enough we can make it!”

Immediately a group of at least 50 men come storming from the hills and brush surrounding them except the area where Pinikuu was headed.

“How long can we run from a group this large?” Shiroame asked as he stuffed his sheathe into the space between his hip and his belt.

“Maybe 5, 6 more minutes, but I can slow them down some.” Pinikuu reached in the side pouch of her bag to reveal a small stone, she tossed it behind her, aimed her pistol, and shot. It made a large explosion setting the tall grass that surrounded it ablaze forcing the bandits to slow their attack. “Ame, Head for the woods!”

Shiroame noded and followed Pinikuu into the woods.

***

The man in black as he stood over the wrecked ship. “So this is the fires origin… not quite what I expected.”

“Yamihonoo! Sir.” One of his men came running from over the hills with a message, “All we found were two kids, but they’ve escaped into the woods. I think they used fire rocks, they used em’ to slow us down.”

“Injuries?”

“There were no injuries sir.”

“Hmmm… Good. Okay, send 20 men to comb the forest and find them. If they are found bring them to me.”

***

“Pinikuu slow down!”

“No, speed up these guys are in good shape, they should be hot on our trail.” Pinikuu noticed the sound of Ame’s foot steps stopped, “Ame, Ame!” She stopped running and looked. Shiroame was petrified with fear.

“Ame, Ame what’s wrong!” She then looks forward to see a large lake, “not the best time for this…”

“No, no, NO, water, water, water, WATER!” Shiroame screamed at the sight of the lake.


“Shit, they’ll know were here, Ame come on.” Pinikuu Yelled.

She reaches in the pouch on the side of her bag again, pulls out another stone with one hand, grabs Ame with the other, and begins to run strait toward the lake.

“No!” Ame screams tears pouring from his eyes, “Let me go, let me go!”

“Stop your surrounded, come with us!” Commanded one of Yamihonoo’s followers appearing from no where.

“Never!” Pinikuu shouts with a wide smile on her face.
She throws the fire rock at the 2 men in front of her and shoots it. The force of the explosion knocks them back into the trees.

“We are the flame wolves, and we never loose or prey!” shouted one of the men who had Pinikuu and Shiroame surrounded.

“God, Bob that is so corny…” says another. Disappointment is written all over his face.

Pinikuu looks down at Shiroame who is still paralyzed with fear from the lake. If she was alone she could of managed but with him tagging along and in this damned state, it would be near impossible to get away free. Pinikuu threw her hand up in surrender, she decided it best to give up.

“We give up…”

***

“Okay! Drop your weapons and keep both of your hands up!” yelled one of the Flame Wolves as he held his spear to her throat. “Bob, get the bag off her, but be careful…”
Bob walked over and removed the bag from Pinikuu’s back.

“Uh… rob, what should I do with it?…”

“Just take it with you, check around for some more people, we’ll be heading back to Yamihonoo.”

“Kay.”

Bob heads off in the opposite direction throwing the bag over his shoulder he looks at the other group and yells, “back hey you two, come with me.”

Two men run toward Bob as he moves into the darkness of the woods.

***

“So these are the ones?”

“Yes these are the ones, they been positively identified by the others, Yamihonoo.”

“Good, Bring them here.”

Two guards brought a shackled Pinikuu and Ame forward.

“How did you cause that explosion.” he asked Pinikuu, “fire rocks?”

(Shiroame is still paralyzed with fear, that wimp.)

“Ha, I wish!” She laughed, until her face then become stiff with discomfort as a guard pressed a shard iron spearhead on her back.

”Show her some respect!” said the guard

“Hahaha, stop that, she isn’t out of line. I want to hear her reply.” Yamihonoo laughs.

“Sorry sir. You may continue!” the guard poked Pinikuu in the back with the blunt end of the spear.

“Actually, Leave.” Yamihonoo said in response to the guard’s rudeness, ”All of you leave.”

“But Yamihonoo, sir she may-“ Yamihonoo interrupted with the mere the raise of a hand, and the guards leaft the chamber.

“So, what happened?” Yamihonoo asks again after the last guards were gone.

“I know this is gonna be hard to believe…”
 
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Yeah it really happened o.0 Amazing

... No it didn't I'm getting to little sleep... too much stress in my life.

Now can I delete this... or have it moved?...
 

Hodge

pliable
Senior Member
Oh, you changed it from present tense... I was looking forward to reading something in that style :( It is pretty hard to do right, though...

Well, for the sake of leaving my first impressions documented I'll leave that above part in... You do use present tense. However, I noticed that you started out in past tense and suddenly shifted later on. This doesn't work; you need some sort of indicator. Like if one of your characters is having a flashback or something.

I also noticed that this piece was lacking a lot in terms of dialogue descriptors. To me, the reader, most of the speech seemed very mechanical and flat. I suggest adding lines like "he lowered his head" or "she paused" or other normal patterns of behavior while speaking in between your dialogue parts.

The story also seemed a bit jerky at times...

“But we couldn’t have been in that, that thing for more than 5 minutes?!”

I don't know if this is an actual rule, but I would write it as "that—that thing!" with an em–dash instead of a comma.

The man in black as he stood over the wrecked ship. “So this is the fires origin… not quite what I expected.”

This sounds more like stage directions...



Anyways, I think the story has potential. You said you wrote it three years ago, and I've read your other works on here... So you should have no problem reworking this into something great. Mostly, I recommend keeping the tenses consistent (present tense is cool), adding some descriptions, and smoothing out the transitions.
 
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Oh, you changed it from present tense... I was looking forward to reading something in that style It is pretty hard to do right, though...

yeah I tried very lazy lately when it comes to writing... I think I'll just re wriet the whole thing... it will take a while to get done with it all though.

Quote:
The man in black as he stood over the wrecked ship. “So this is the fires origin… not quite what I expected.”


This sounds more like stage directions...

Yeah, those 3 years ago I wrote this with intentions of turning it into a comic... the idea never saw the light of day...

Is this NON_FICTION?

Nope... need this thread moved -_- still
XD
 

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