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Thunder's Quest (1 Viewer)

TripperRB

Member
The anti-squeak spell was Thunder's last hope. He was positive the fate of the others had been determined by their lack of cunning. The shredded bodies that littered the barren landscape were proof of that. Perhaps they were incapable of casting such a spell. It is, after all, a difficult spell to acquire and one that he himself had not cast in ages. This was his one shot. Besides, the can of WD-40 was almost empty so it had to work. There would not be another.

Thunder threw the spell strategically at the hinges allowing the magic to loosen the rust, hoping it was enough to silence it. He peered through the gate, across the terrain of decaying bodies, to the sanctuary of peace. His young blue eyes hungered for his homeland, but he promptly quelled such voracity as all great sorcerers do. Focused and alert, he scanned, searching for the beast.

He unlatched and pushed the chain link gate forward, becoming more confident of his spell the more it swept open. He slid through and closed it, lest the forsaken souls become shredded for letting the beast out…again!

He crouched and scanned, assuring himself he’d been undetected. There was no time to waste. Thunder moved light on his feet, as if on air. Nike Air. He crisscrossed his steps, moving sideways to maintain maximum visibility. His eyes were fixated on the beast’s lair. He used his power of balance, and extended his arms outward as he dodged the bits of flesh and bone.

The spell must have taken more energy than Thunder realized because his power of balance failed him and he lurched forward, stomping on and crushing a skeletal chest cavity. The beast awoke! Thunder stood stagnant, save his breath—his magical cloak of vapor—that perhaps masked him from the beast’s notice. But the beast was not deceived. He emerged from his lair, primed for battle, his growl deafening, and his bloody teeth gnashing.

The beast’s red eyes locked with Thunder’s. They both remained still, momentarily respectful of each other and of the situation that lay in front of them. But this was war! Only one could be victorious and they both understood it. There was no turning back and neither was afraid.

Thunder sprang first, rushing for his homeland. His quickness spun the world in reverse under his cleats, bringing his aim rapidly in sight. But the beast would not be denied! He leaped with barbarous intensity, clobbering the terrain with each stride that shook the world. Thunder’s vision became blurred and his equilibrium skewed. The pounding was relentless and soon overtook Thunder’s stability and hurled him onto the ground amongst the dead corpses. His body twitched uncontrollably.

Thunder realized his imminent demise, and sprawled out for the rushing beast. It would soon be over; a slain sorcerer’s body tattered and fragmented like those that had come before him. He gazed into the heavens and realized his destiny. He turned his head towards his homeland and said goodbye as he closed his eyes and accepted his death. The beast was upon him.
 

Stealth

Senior Member
I liked this a lot. Your choice of words created a vivid picture. I like the modern twist in what looked like a medieval style story. I was curious as to what the beast was, dragon, giant wolf, giant lizard, etc. I personally would have prefered it if you specified. Overall I liked this piece. Thanks for the read.
 

Jeko

WF Veterans
A great, fast paced read. Good job, TripperRB.

Niggles:

It is, after all, a difficult spell to acquire and one that he himself had not cast in ages.

The use of present tense here shifts the focus away from the time. I'd say that it 'was' a difficult spell to aquire.

Thunder realized his imminent demise, and sprawled out for the rushing beast. It would soon be over; a slain sorcerer’s body tattered and fragmented like those that had come before him. He gazed into the heavens and realized his destiny.

The repetition of 'realized' makes me flash back to the previous action, which disrupts the brilliant flow of this section.

Another issue I had was the way that every paragraph began. It almost always focused on Thunder with the first word. By varying the start of your paragraphs, you can help the writing feel even more organic (since it already does).

As much has I enjoy plugging my images into the vague frame, I would like just a little more about him so that I my mind can have a solid image to work with.

Overall, this piece is excellent - I feel a real connection with the character even though I only read about him for a few minutes - and your style is fluid and throws your imagination straight at the reader like a home-run to your face. Thanks for the read.
 

TripperRB

Member
Thanks for the critiques! Very constructive and something I can put on my checklist when editing. It was obvious from your critiques that I had failed to convey what the story was really about. I was way too subtle. I (incorrectly) assumed that the reader would infer that the story is really about a boy playing with his dog in his backyard. I tried to establish that by including small clues here and there, but I think in the end I deprived the reader of the "fun" of the story. There was no context.

I wonder when the best time to let the reader in on it is? I could have titled it "A Boy and his Dog" or I could have ended with "Thunder's last words he ever heard were 'Jimmy, time for supper...and don't forget to feed Spot.'" I like the idea of letting the cat out of the bag at the end, but then maybe it's too late at that point.

Thoughts?
 

Duncan21

Senior Member
The story took on a whole new meaning once I found out it was a boy and his dog. I did enjoy myself during both readings. The only thing I found myself wishing I knew more about was the "beast". What if you tried ending it with the "beast" landing on the boy and licking him or some other playful interaction. You could exaggerate the dogs features to distort it enough that it is still dog like but takes on a monsterish persona in this imaginary play. Just throwing out some ideas here.
 

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