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Thoughts (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Sometimes when I sit at night,
after the children fall asleep,
I have time with my thoughts.
Silence is full of answers,
the ground beneath falls away,
the weight in that moment tells me,
that thoughts are the only thing
that weigh absolutely nothing
but paralyse you fully.

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J.
 
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2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I’ve left a few suggestions below. I like this a lot and think it could be strengthened by paring back further.

Cheers

Syd

Sometimes when I sit at night,
after the children are asleep, could you replace are with fall?
I have time with my thoughts.
It is very apparent I think you could do without this line
that silence is full of answers.
The ground beneath falls away,
the weight in that moment tells me,
that thoughts are the only thing
that weigh absolutely nothing
but paralyse you fully.

J.
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
I always enjoy a short poem that punches above its weight with an insight that leaves me thinking. :)

The poem works well as it is, as far as I am concerned, but consider swapping 'wait' for 'weight' in line six, just to experience the change in emphasis that it introduces.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
I always enjoy a short poem that punches above its weight with an insight that leaves me thinking. :)

The poem works well as it is, as far as I am concerned, but consider swapping 'wait' for 'weight' in line six, just to experience the change in emphasis that it introduces.

Hi ,

Thank you for your help.
I understand your thoughts, wait could work.
At the point of writing, I used weight to convey the gravity of deep emotions, weighing me down , so much I couldn’t move if I tried.
Did I read your reply wrong, sorry I thought weight is fitting, oh I am second guessing myself haha.

Thank you.

J.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Sometimes when I sit at night,
after the children fall asleep,
I have time with my thoughts.
Silence is full of answers,
the ground beneath falls away,
the weight in that moment tells me,
that thoughts are the only thing
that weigh absolutely nothing
but paralyse you fully.


J.

I like that observation. The only thing I'd consider is, because you've used weight, it would be nice to use a word relevant to that rather than 'paralyse'. 'Burden' or something along those lines.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
I like that observation. The only thing I'd consider is, because you've used weight, it would be nice to use a word relevant to that rather than 'paralyse'. 'Burden' or something along those lines.

Thank you for your help.
I’ll take that into consideration, I enjoy hearing different perspectives on what I have written.
I value the advice from everyone, it really has helped me in finding more fitting words to other poems too.
I also used paralyse as I was in that moment only just last week, paralysed for 2hrs , frozen and could not move , crushed by my thoughts.

Thanks again.

J.
 
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