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They Make You Pay for Sex (Some Adult Content) (1 Viewer)

PassTheDrinks

Senior Member
This is the beginning of a book or short story I am writing just for fun. I am wondering what others will think. I'm only adding an excerpt. I have written more to this, but need to fix it up a bit. Yes, I am a female, but I am writing this in a perspective of a male.



Here:
My first was a skinny blonde. The kind you would imagine while having sex with your average girlfriend. Her hips were small under her unnaturally busty top and giant bobbing, blonde head that smelt like she had used an excessive amount of hairspray. I watched the middle of her back heave has I pulled myself to and from her while ignoring the burn between my knees and the carpet. I starting the morning thinking about how I am going to get the ride of my life, but ended the night appalled at how, instead, my visit with this tiny blonde ended up just being the casual sex I have never had before. She gave me her name once, at the beginning of the evening. It was something simple along the lines of Amanda or Laura. Perhaps, that is why I couldn’t remember. I was always bad at remembering the simple things.

When our sex was over some six to eight minutes after it had started, she scooted up to her knees and grabbed her clothes. She put them on with such haste that it stung me in the chest. Had I done something wrong? Had I not satisfied her? Was all her screaming and moaning just an act to make me feel better? If so, why did she decide to destroy the act now? I thought I had just gotten lucky at the bar, but it seems like she was just looking for someone to plug up her hole and then leave.
She stood up, fully dressed in the green party dress with white sequins at the hem, and said, “I’m going to get some water, and then I’ll leave. You can hand me the three-hundred dollars now or before I go.”
My eyes widened and I could feel my mouth drop open. I tried to find the words to speak, but all that came out was a faint grunt. She smiled in a way that is both wrong and deceiving.
“Didn’t I tell you, Danny?” she asked. “I must have mentioned it at least once this evening.”
“Nathan.” Was all I could say. Why, out of all the other things rushing through my head at that moment, had I chosen to correct her on something so meaningless is a question that I could not find an answer to.
“You can hand me the money sometime tonight before I leave, or we can do this the hard way.” She said, putting her hands to her hips and swinging her hair around her shoulder. She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. Yes, let’s try that one. After all, it isn’t a lie.
“If I had known, I wouldn’t have brought you home.” I said, after explaining the situation. Then thinking about what I had just said, I thought it would be better if I added, “No offense.”
She sighed, as if this has happened on multiple accounts. Did she expect every man she tried to con to have hundreds of dollars to offer to any girl he has just met and brought them to bed? In this world, it’s all about credit cards. Even then, a credit card is something I haven’t touched in six months.
“It would be smart if you just paid instead of fighting me.” She said.
“I’m not fighting.” I pleaded. “It would have been smart if you told me beforehand.”
She threw her hands in the air with a huff and left out of the bedroom. I heard the front door of my apartment slam and I wondered if there was anything I could do to save myself for what was to come next.

It was a few more days of my miserable life that included divorce papers from my wife, or more appropriately put as my ex wife but I would suffice to say the bitch I waited hand and foot on for four years until she decided that I was no longer good enough for her material needs. I signed those papers without trying to think too much about what I was doing, grabbed my keys from the little table by the front door and walked out.
Since Josie left me and took the car with her, I had no choice but to walk everywhere I needed to go. After twenty seven years of driving everywhere, I felt power in my new routine. Everything I needed was in five blocks of my apartment. Most of the time, I just walked for fun. Just to see how far my legs will take me. I had lost the beer gut I had gained within two years of my marriage in just two weeks of walking. I still laugh at the thought I had placed in my head one day where I can go on one of those fitness shows and tell them my story about how I lost ten pounds in two weeks by just walking.
The places I visited most when I wasn’t working at the local grocery outlet down the street, was the coffee shop in the morning and the bar in the afternoon. I had been avoiding the bar since that one night with Amanda or Laura. What was a girl like her doing in a rickety place like that anyway? That should have been my first clue. Maybe she was one of those small time prostitutes that didn’t have many dangerous connections. Maybe she told her pimp my story and he let it slide. My idea on prostitutes is very small. What I got was from movies and television shows that show how hard a prostitute’s life is, but never seemed to show what to do when you can’t pay one.
The sky was dusty today. I took my walk to the coffee shop and ordered a plain black coffee, the most basic, inexpensive thing on the menu. I took my usual seat in the middle of the shop and read the newspaper. That was something I never did until I started coming here and I only did so because I didn’t want to sit for an hour staring around the room. After I finished my coffee and gained no interesting knowledge from the paper, I left the shop and continued my walk around the block three times until my ankles began to feel swollen.
At home, everything was the way I had left it. It was unusual to come home this way since the split between Josie and I. When we were married, I’d come home every now and then to everything completely rearranged. That’s the way Josie liked to live. She craved change like no other in one of those OCD kind of ways. The way most kids these days claim to be some sort of obsessive compulsive. Except Josie was the real deal. I’m sure she would rearrange the toilet if she could.
In a way, Josie had saved me. The one good thing that came from our split besides the weight loss is the fact that I have not owned a television in this apartment. I usually spend most of my time away from home, but today was too gloomy. Today I just wanted to sit on something comfortable and doze off. I picked the only lounge chair that I had in the place and leaned back on it. I sat for a good 20 minutes, staring out of the window, letting my eyes get heavy and fall.
A shuffle came from behind. The first thought that came through my drowsy head was Susie, our little Maine Coon. It took several breaths to remember that Josie had taken that cat as well. I jumped up from the chair suddenly, but before I could turn around, something knocked into the back of my skull hard enough to click my teeth together.
 
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Oasis Writer

Senior Member
First, an extra blank line of space after each paragraph. Just helps out the reader for their eyes on the site. Spaces it out a bit. :)

Careful about repetition. You repeat blonde three times in the first paragraph.

I starting the morning thinking about how I am going to get the ride of my life, but ended the night appalled at how, instead, my visit with this tiny blonde ended up just being the casual sex I have never had before.
This sentence read awkwardly for me. You switched tenses from past to present in this sentence as well (red). The last bit in green (excluding have) didn't make much sense. I understood what you were writing, but it didn't sound grammatically correct...or just correct...whatever.

Why, out of all the other things rushing through my head at that moment, had I chosen to correct her on something so meaningless is a question that I could not find an answer to.
Tense change again. is to was. You also ended the sentence in a preposition. Maybe just a small edit to something like, "something so meaningless as my name." That way you don't have to worry about the tense change or the preposition.

She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. After all, it isn’t a lie.
Switch between tenses, and that name thing sounded a bit weird. Maybe needs a little edit.

Otherwise, I thought this was pretty funny. The biggest issue was the switching between tenses, so honestly, just apply what I posted above to the rest and it wouldn't be too bad. :) I liked the twist in the middle and it made me laugh.
 

Penwillz

Senior Member
Entertaining. You write male pretty well. For some reason the eight minute thing had me laughing for a second. How unlucky for Nate, with the whole hook-up with a hooker thing. I can see a lot of things about to go wrong in his life, especially after the ending.

I'm usually a magic powers, and sword fighting type of guy, but I enjoyed. Good read. Oh by the way I noticed in the end you spell "skull" wrong.
 

PassTheDrinks

Senior Member
First, an extra blank line of space after each paragraph. Just helps out the reader for their eyes on the site. Spaces it out a bit. :)

Careful about repetition. You repeat blonde three times in the first paragraph.

This sentence read awkwardly for me. You switched tenses from past to present in this sentence as well (red). The last bit in green (excluding have) didn't make much sense. I understood what you were writing, but it didn't sound grammatically correct...or just correct...whatever.

Tense change again. is to was. You also ended the sentence in a preposition. Maybe just a small edit to something like, "something so meaningless as my name." That way you don't have to worry about the tense change or the preposition.

Switch between tenses, and that name thing sounded a bit weird. Maybe needs a little edit.

Otherwise, I thought this was pretty funny. The biggest issue was the switching between tenses, so honestly, just apply what I posted above to the rest and it wouldn't be too bad. :) I liked the twist in the middle and it made me laugh.



I get that a lot. I tend to switch between tenses a lot and throw commas around like spears. It can get confusing for some readers, but I try my best to make it a little bit more readable until I go back and edit a lot of things.
 

PassTheDrinks

Senior Member
Entertaining. You write male pretty well. For some reason the eight minute thing had me laughing for a second. How unlucky for Nate, with the whole hook-up with a hooker thing. I can see a lot of things about to go wrong in his life, especially after the ending.

I'm usually a magic powers, and sword fighting type of guy, but I enjoyed. Good read. Oh by the way I noticed in the end you spell "skull" wrong.


Ah, yes. I told myself to fix the "skull" thing before I hit post but it slipped my mind, as I was too excited and anxious to post. I should figure out how to fix it.
 

patskywriter

WF Veterans
“You can hand me the money sometime tonight before I leave, or we can do this the hard way.” She said, putting her hands to her hips and swinging her hair around her shoulder. She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. Yes, let’s try that one. After all, it isn’t a lie.

I dunno—the guy's response strikes me as being kind of "soft." The self-doubt and the consideration of offering a sob story just don't feel right. Here's a guy, a low-wage guy whose wife left and took everything with her, feeling apologetic to a woman who's demanding payment for sex. Being so close to the edge would make him more volatile and aggressive, wouldn't it? But I admit—I'm no expert, LOL.
 

PassTheDrinks

Senior Member
“You can hand me the money sometime tonight before I leave, or we can do this the hard way.” She said, putting her hands to her hips and swinging her hair around her shoulder. She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. Yes, let’s try that one. After all, it isn’t a lie.

I dunno—the guy's response strikes me as being kind of "soft." The self-doubt and the consideration of offering a sob story just don't feel right. Here's a guy, a low-wage guy whose wife left and took everything with her, feeling apologetic to a woman who's demanding payment for sex. Being so close to the edge would make him more volatile and aggressive, wouldn't it? But I admit—I'm no expert, LOL.


I saw Nathan as a guy who lets people walk on him and is too afraid to confront anyone with anger. Someone who is bottling everything up to hide what he feels inside. It's kind of a thing that I know too well.
 

patskywriter

WF Veterans
I saw Nathan as a guy who lets people walk on him and is too afraid to confront anyone with anger. Someone who is bottling everything up to hide what he feels inside. It's kind of a thing that I know too well.

Oh, okay. It's really challenging to try to see life through someone else's eyes! :rugby:
 

playingthepianodrunk

Senior Member
My first was a skinny blonde. The kind you would imagine while having sex with your average girlfriend. Her hips were small under her unnaturally busty top and giant bobbing, blonde head that smelt like she had used an excessive amount of hairspray. (This sentence sounds awkward and I thought you were going to finish the thought with some kind of observation.) I watched the middle of her back heave as I pulled myself to and from her while ignoring the burning between my knees and the carpet. I started the morning thinking about how I am going to get the ride of my life, but ended the night appalled at how, instead, my visit with this tiny blonde ended up just being the casual sex I have never had before. She gave me her name once, at the beginning of the evening. It was something simple along the lines of Amanda or Laura. Perhaps, that is why I couldn’t remember. I was always bad at remembering the simple things.

When our sex was over (that seems like the worst possible way to say that. it's awkward. it reminds me of arrested development when buster refers to Lucille 2's nausea as their nausea.) some six to eight minutes after it had started, she scooted up to her knees and grabbed her clothes. She put them on with such haste that it stung me in the chest. Had I done something wrong? Had I not satisfied her? Was all her screaming and moaning just an act to make me feel better? If so, why did she decide to destroy the act now? I thought I had just gotten lucky at the bar, but it seems like she was just looking for someone to plug up her hole (this sounds forced to me I don't think a guy would ever say that. guys can be pretty dirty and women can be just as dirty so think about what you might say about a man and just turn it around.) and then leave.

.” She said, putting her hands to her hips and swinging her hair around her shoulder. She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. (this sentence is again awkward. think about making it more economical. Use your words wisely, you can say a lot in a few words f you choose them right.)

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have brought you home.” (honestly banging a chick is one thing most guys wouldn't be sentimental enough to say that even then but after you found out she was a pro I couldn't picture anyone saying that. He couldn't even remember her name in retrospect.) I said, after explaining the situation. Then thinking about what I had just said, I thought it would be better if I added, “No offense.”
She sighed, as if this has happened on multiple accounts. Did she expect every man she tried to con to have hundreds of dollars to offer to any girl he has just met and brought them to bed? In this world, it’s all about credit cards. Even then, a credit card is something I haven’t touched in six months. (I agree that I don't know too many people that would be so courteous in such a situation, maybe that's what makes the character funny.)

It was a few more days of my miserable life that included divorce papers from my wife, or more appropriately put as my ex wife but I would suffice to say the bitch I waited hand and foot on for four years until she decided that I was no longer good enough for her material needs (Another awkward sentence try splitting it up.)
 

PassTheDrinks

Senior Member
My first was a skinny blonde. The kind you would imagine while having sex with your average girlfriend. Her hips were small under her unnaturally busty top and giant bobbing, blonde head that smelt like she had used an excessive amount of hairspray. (This sentence sounds awkward and I thought you were going to finish the thought with some kind of observation.) I watched the middle of her back heave as I pulled myself to and from her while ignoring the burning between my knees and the carpet. I started the morning thinking about how I am going to get the ride of my life, but ended the night appalled at how, instead, my visit with this tiny blonde ended up just being the casual sex I have never had before. She gave me her name once, at the beginning of the evening. It was something simple along the lines of Amanda or Laura. Perhaps, that is why I couldn’t remember. I was always bad at remembering the simple things.

When our sex was over (that seems like the worst possible way to say that. it's awkward. it reminds me of arrested development when buster refers to Lucille 2's nausea as their nausea.) some six to eight minutes after it had started, she scooted up to her knees and grabbed her clothes. She put them on with such haste that it stung me in the chest. Had I done something wrong? Had I not satisfied her? Was all her screaming and moaning just an act to make me feel better? If so, why did she decide to destroy the act now? I thought I had just gotten lucky at the bar, but it seems like she was just looking for someone to plug up her hole (this sounds forced to me I don't think a guy would ever say that. guys can be pretty dirty and women can be just as dirty so think about what you might say about a man and just turn it around.) and then leave.

.” She said, putting her hands to her hips and swinging her hair around her shoulder. She did not seem to notice my attempt to correct her when getting my name wrong, and hearing her response, I am quite sure that is a good thing. Maybe I could get her out of here with an apology and sad, sappy story about how my wife left me and took everything I owned along with her and then escape to another city before her employers or whoever she planned on sending after me got here. (this sentence is again awkward. think about making it more economical. Use your words wisely, you can say a lot in a few words f you choose them right.)

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have brought you home.” (honestly banging a chick is one thing most guys wouldn't be sentimental enough to say that even then but after you found out she was a pro I couldn't picture anyone saying that. He couldn't even remember her name in retrospect.) I said, after explaining the situation. Then thinking about what I had just said, I thought it would be better if I added, “No offense.”
She sighed, as if this has happened on multiple accounts. Did she expect every man she tried to con to have hundreds of dollars to offer to any girl he has just met and brought them to bed? In this world, it’s all about credit cards. Even then, a credit card is something I haven’t touched in six months. (I agree that I don't know too many people that would be so courteous in such a situation, maybe that's what makes the character funny.)

It was a few more days of my miserable life that included divorce papers from my wife, or more appropriately put as my ex wife but I would suffice to say the bitch I waited hand and foot on for four years until she decided that I was no longer good enough for her material needs (Another awkward sentence try splitting it up.)

I can see that I have a little bit more work to do. I have not edited this and it happens to be just the first rough draft. But it's my first time writing in perspective of a male instead of female, so this insures that I just need a little bit more thinking instead of just writing how I would put these things. Thanks for the feedback, and I'll keep it all in mind when editing.
 
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