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These Days (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
The days are long, the sun is high.
There's not a cloud in the sky.


Now why all the worry.
With this virus,
is it natural or man-made.


Will we ever know the answer.
I don't know, but until we do,
there's a loss of life never been known.


We're all at the behest of certain leaders.
Fighting for the upper hand,
to dominate the world.


While this battle rages on,
key workers are fighting to save peoples lives.
Yes they are heroes each and everyone.


On Thursdays we stand and clap,
to show our support.


While the fight for supremecy,
continues out of view.


Not too long now,
and those days of sun,
will emerge from the gloom.
 

Nate Gallon

Senior Member
It's a bit sing songy and it ends abruptly, but it is solid. I can see this being in a compilation of poems, or in a magazine because of how well put together the meter is and how simple the rhymes are. My favorite line is the opening L1-L2. It seems from then on forth that you lose yourself to your preachy side and sacrifice the art for your message. I'd practice ambiguity and more frankness; I know those sound like two contradicting things, but I still stand by the advice. I'm not saying to specialize in either one of them, but that they are good to practice all together. You have a strength of writing holistically about current affairs that can act well for posterity.
 
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Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi knottla, welcome to the Showcase! :) I like your poem, it hits all the points of what is on the mind of all the people of the world, these days and I especially like that it leaves us with hope. We need it.
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
Although I like the message, this poem is all tell no show. No use of descriptive language. It's mainly a bunch of statements with one couplet that rhymed. You also have too many breaks, it's spread out too much. Combine some of your stanzas. Use concrete language rather than abstract terms. It's best not to rhyme when you use it only in the first stanza.

I don't mean to be harsh or to discourage you but writers'/poets needs to know the flaws or weaknesses so that they can correct them. As an emerging poet you show much promise, look hard at this piece, condense it, nip a little here add a little there.

I know this is a showcase and not a workshop but a bit of constructive criticism is good for the soul...

Welcome to the showcase I hope to see more of your work.

warmest
bob
 

knottla

Senior Member
Nate gallon thank you for your advice. It's odd that you mention songs as when I first attempted any writing that was my first genre. again you're right about being preachy, I think that is just me being me.
 

knottla

Senior Member
rcallaci thank you for your comments. I don't see your comments as harsh more as giving another writer help in developing ones self. Thank you for your welcome.
 
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