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There Is a Hollow in Me Now (1 Viewer)

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
A galaxy collapses face first into a hotel mattress
You’ve got an entire world nestled recklessly
In between two carless hands

Damaged follicles of hair fall to their final resting place
Atop an empty, desolate pillowcase

You throw me a towel
I bled out all my expectations, and didn’t mean to
I apologize thinking the words might reach you
“I’m sorry”....

For the forces that drove me here
For the notion I created and watered
And let grow uninhibited

It was lonely mixed with lowly
I was only trying to get by
But I won’t ever cure myself
Pinned beneath someone else

Maybe I’d be stronger if you never called
Disappeared and never left a trace
But you love yourself, right?

Or is it the cyclical breaking of everything you perceived to know?

You love me? But can’t ever get it to show
So as I’m elevating myself
10 floors above, and a mere 3 floors higher than the last time
I ask myself...what are you so afraid of?
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really digging the title, I think you work well to set a mood and carry it through from being through to end. I do think that at times the piece feels a little verbose and would benefit from a little pruning here or there, this would help to really push the author's intent and make the message all the more potent. Struturally, I would like to see shorter lineation as again I think that would strengthen the potency of the piece. Make it more punchy.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
Welcome!
I think Syd gave you good advice for your poem. It has good potential, but could be shorter. That would empower the poem more. I don't mind the longer lines however. I write poems in short lines, but also prose-poetry with longer lines.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
I don’t think you need to go and grab a thesaurus or anything but words like “a, the, I, was,” aren’t always necessary especially when you’re thinking about potency and trying to make an impact. By this I mean that they can sometimes come across as filler and the slow the piece down, as it strives towards its meaning.

Regards

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
A galaxy collapses face first into a hotel mattress
You’ve got an entire world nestled recklessly
In between two carless hands

Damaged follicles of hair fall to their final resting place
Atop an empty, desolate pillowcase

You throw me a towel
I bled out all my expectations, and didn’t mean to
I apologize thinking the words might reach you
“I’m sorry”....

For the forces that drove me here
For the notion I created and watered
And let grow uninhibited

It was lonely mixed with lowly
I was only trying to get by
But I won’t ever cure myself
Pinned beneath someone else

Maybe I’d be stronger if you never called
Disappeared and never left a trace
But you love yourself, right?

Or is it the cyclical breaking of everything you perceived to know?

You love me? But can’t ever get it to show
So as I’m elevating myself
10 floors above, and a mere 3 floors higher than the last time
I ask myself...what are you so afraid of?

Your first stanza hooked me... I am diggin that dark gritty vibe.... love these lines:
But I wont ever cure myself
pinned beneath someone else....

Fabulous lines that create poetic tension and angst... Thank you for the pleasure of reading your work....
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
Welcome!
I think Syd gave you good advice for your poem. It has good potential, but could be shorter. That would empower the poem more. I don't mind the longer lines however. I write poems in short lines, but also prose-poetry with longer lines.
Appreciate the constructive feedback. I have a terrible time with structure. -_- but I’m hopeful I’ll get better.
 

Greyson

Senior Member
really liked this piece, and echo the applause for the title. it grabbed my attention from a mile away.

i want to echo some of the sentiment around cutting some of the 'filler words'. i think (and, this is a
personal opinion so grain of salt here) some particles like 'the' or 'an' can almost always be thrown
out, so long as the message remains clear. if you're looking to cut for potency, this might be a method
to shorten without affecting your message.

It was lonely mixed with lowly
I was only trying to get by
But I won’t ever cure myself
Pinned beneath someone else

i had to stop reading when i read this stanza to start my response because it felt that powerful.
love it.

also, this line
Or is it the cyclical breaking of everything you perceived to know?

loved this and hope to see more of you soon, welcome to the forum :)
 
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