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The Wrinkly Man (1 Viewer)

lordusan

Senior Member
If you ask it, the wrinkly man will tell you he had always been there,
Always had been in the space between the cabinet and the wooden chair,
Seen only in the mirror in the hall;

He would whisper to you, ever so slowly, that, that he knew,
Whilst you slept ever so soundly, it was his name that you spew,
ever so softly and though, surely shocked, you thought it wasn’t true,
It was [/FONT]his [FONT=&quot]name you did call

He would ask you to recall who it was, through thick and thin,
Stayed with you forever, stayed with you like wolf and kin?
He said he’d never leave, and that you would never leave him,
- while his toothless smile, a token of troth, a grin of sin,
Stayed ever so small;

He would arise when you arose, followed you through the day,
Only slinking away once the sun came out, when came out the sun's rays,
Swallowing your shape, only stopping when under shadow you would lay,
Slinking back like a snap once the sun’s violent rays went away,
Slinking back with his grin and a singly horrendous thing to say
When sunset's shadow would fall;

He would never threaten you, nor ever raise his rakish voice,
Never wavering, he always slinked his slink with snakish poise,
Never demanding from you his preference or hellish choice,
Instead, he warned, with breath that stank like severed allantois,
Evil would befall if you did not treat him like a thing to rejoice,
He said he would send after you hellish beasts morose,
If his name you didn’t praise above all;

And such bound to him you would be like ball and chain,
Forever entrapped by macabre and metaphysical pain,
Such is his constantness to remind one of the unwavering of rain,
Forever trapped, forever chained, forever entrapped by the insane,
If you could oust this unwelcome passenger, if it were not in vain,
If it were possible for your to remove this horrendous stain,
If, by any chance, your humble sanity you could somehow regain,
Then thanks to Mania you would call

If you ask me about the wrinkly between the cabinet and chair,
I’d tell you with pomp that he had always been there,
At least so far as I can recall.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 

Pete_C

WF Veterans
I started off making a few notes about this, but had to stop because it was a massive task. The biggest issue here is that you've forced something into a structure that doesn't fit, and the rhythm and rhyming scheme aren't good enough to justify the way it's been forced.

Duplication is rife: Only slinking away once the sun came out, when came out the sun's rays,
You've forced in the duplication and even then a pedant would point out that the rhyme is very loose.

Also, there are many lines that just don't add to the reader's experience, and my feeling was that some had been added simply because they allowed the addition of another rhyme. When it becomes rhyme for rhyme's sake it doesn't feel like anything but excess baggage, and by the end that weighs it down so much the end comes as a relief rather than a climax. At one point I had an image of someone sitting with a rhyming dictionary trying to see how far they could push a stanza!

It needs much work and less padding to fit the structure, which as I've said isn't good enough to risk wasting a good idea on.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
lordusan;2106161 If you ask it said:
[/COLOR]

WoW!!!! What a fabulous opening stanza... so "Grimm" as in the old Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales... love that.... then you went all Dr. Seuss....;) the below stanza is a perfect example of "what NOT to do".. Now, if you changed this to rhyming couplets.. 2 lines with the same end rhyme, then change the end rhyme in the next 2 lines. that might work....
However, the rhyme is so dominate in the below stanza, it overshadows your story... keep your rhyme in the background, it should be unobtrusive.... background music ;)



He would never threaten you, nor ever raise his rakish voice,
Never wavering, he always slinked his slink with snakish poise,

Never demanding from you his preference or hellish *choice,** Change the end rhyme word and rhyme it with the following line below
Instead, he warned, with breath that stank like severed *allantois*,

Evil would befall if you did not treat him like a thing to *rejoice, Now, change again....
He said he would send after you hellish beasts *morose,
If his name you didn’t praise above all;


Pete is right, this needs to be edited savagely ... never use rhyme just because you can.. it is a tool... do not sacrifice your message to fit the rhyme... less is more ;)

You are a natural born story teller, and that is a fabulous gift... let it shine...

I started off making a few notes about this, but had to stop because it was a massive task. The biggest issue here is that you've forced something into a structure that doesn't fit, and the rhythm and rhyming scheme aren't good enough to justify the way it's been forced.

Duplication is rife: Only slinking away once the sun came out, when came out the sun's rays,
You've forced in the duplication and even then a pedant would point out that the rhyme is very loose.

Also, there are many lines that just don't add to the reader's experience, and my feeling was that some had been added simply because they allowed the addition of another rhyme. When it becomes rhyme for rhyme's sake it doesn't feel like anything but excess baggage, and by the end that weighs it down so much the end comes as a relief rather than a climax. At one point I had an image of someone sitting with a rhyming dictionary trying to see how far they could push a stanza!

It needs much work and less padding to fit the structure, which as I've said isn't good enough to risk wasting a good idea on.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hopefully you found some inspiration in my rambling, and I hope to see this intriguing poem polished, it is certainly worth it;)
 

lordusan

Senior Member
Yep! Both you and Pete_C's comments were EXTREMELY helpful (I can't underline how big of deal it was, without criticism I can't keep anything together lol).

I am definitely going to at at the very least completely revamp this poem. I'm still obviously very new to the poetry world, and each poem I write and each criticism received is a step in the right direction!

Thanks! :)
 
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