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The Whirlpool Story (1 Viewer)

eliza101

Member
Chapter 1:


I stared into the green eyes of the foulest demon ever born, my brother. “I will not take you.” His lips formed the words slowly and he drew out every syllable. I stared into those evil eyes with my own blue ones making sure to stress my squinted glare.


“You will take me.” I simply smiled, got up and walked from the dining room and my suspicious brother, Adrian, and into my mom’s room down the hall. The bright pink assaulted me immediately. Pink had never been a color I particularly liked but if it had just been the walls it would have been fine had it not been the floor, comforter and pillows, nightstand, and mirror all in the same bright hot pink. My mom sat on the bed, propped up against a pillow and was reading a book; she didn’t notice me until I crawled onto the bed next to her.


“Sweetie what is it?” My mom asked looking up from her book. She took off her reading glasses and set them on her nightstand, exposing her blue eyes to the world.


I leaned against my mom’s shoulder with a frown and began my ruse. “Adrian won’t take me and Elisabeta to the beach to meet up with our friends. I only wanted this one thing, but he told me no. I know it’s mean to make him chauffer us around, but he’s already graduated from school and is about to start college while we are only sophomores and haven’t gotten our licenses yet.” I spluttered, making my eyes big like I was about to cry.


“Oh sweetie he will take you. I will make sure of that, are you going to the beach today?” She asked petting my head. I nodded with a pout still on my face; the longer I held the pout up the more I would get from it. She thought I was a sweet little Princess and I couldn’t possibly be horrible at all. I just knew how to use her. “What’s wrong? If it will make you happy, I will make your brother buy you, your sister, and your little friends’ ice creams. Will that make it better?”


I smiled wide, Isabella 1; Adrian 0! “Thank you mommy.” She was always easy to manipulate, basically everybody did it. Like our neighbor who always seemed to be popping in for dinner whenever he wanted money or her ‘friend’ at work who always got the holidays as a work day and who makes up some sob story about family she hasn’t seen for years that she will get to see only on that day so my mom will work that day for her and she can sit at home and eat ice-cream on an old ratty couch watching a soap opera and crying in the dark. I hugged her sweetly and a chestnut colored lock of hair broke free of the bun I had put it in and I tucked it behind my ear as I pulled back from her and she smiled sweetly.


“Have fun and send your brother in if you see him.” My mom said with a slightly stern tone as she smoothed down her dyed platinum blonde hair so that not a piece was out of place from our hug. She always wanted to be on top of the latest trends and so she went shopping weekly and made sure to read all of the best teen magazines. I got up from the bed and stopped to take one look back at her slight frame in hot pink sleeveless pajamas. She looked like a teenager sitting in the childish room.


“Will do.” I saluted mockingly and walked back down the long hall and into the dining hall. I sat back down at our mahogany table and smiled sweetly at my suspicious brother.


“You manipulated mom again didn’t you?” He said with a glare.



“Of course and she wants to see you.” I said with a bigger smile as I brought my left leg up and sat on it for some cushion from the rough wood of the chair. I felt my jeans get pushed up to my knee and I adjusted it annoyed. Adrian glared at me and got up to walk back to the ‘BarbieRoom’ annoyed with me already at 8 o’clock in the morning. I straightened my tank top and listened happily for the sound of his retort to mom’s orders.


“You’ve got to be kidding me! Today is my day off of work, why do I have to chauffeur them around and all the way to the beach too? It's over two hours away!” He yelled. I could just imagine him smoothing his red hair back with a snarl on his face. Our family was funny in how I looked like our mother and Adrian and Elizabeth looked like our dad when me and Elizabeth are twins. “Fine! Give me the money and I will take them but I am not carrying their stuff. They made me their pack-mule last time mom can you believe that?” He asked trying and failing to make her pity him and not make him go, but he had never been good at manipulating people. I heard her laughing hard and I smiled happily. Elizabeth came walking from down the hall holding a huge striped green beach bag. Her green eyes crinkled in the corners as she smiled happily.


Adrian is so nice to take us and all of our friends to the beach.” She giggled happily and brushed her red hair behind her ear. “I guess that means you should go change.” She said critically examining my completely tomboyish outfit: baggy shirt and jeans complete with sneakers. I grinned at her and she seemed to realize that I would probably put a bathing suit that she would most likely never want to be seen in public with and so she dropped her bag, grabbed my arm and toted me roughly back to our rooms down the hall past mom’s room. Instead of going into my beautiful blue room though, we went into her fierce dark red room covered in rock band and rap posters and pictures of her and her best friends. I tried to resist knowing she was going to put me in a bikini but she relentlessly held on squeezing my pale skin tight with her perfectly polished red nails connected to her spray tanned hand.



She sat me on her fluffy white bed that I just loved sinking into and went over to her black retro dresser happily. She opened the top drawer and pulled out a bikini that looked absolutely horrifying. She came over to me almost floating with happiness that she got to dress me up. When she stopped in front of me her Victoria Secret perfume engulfed me and I inhaled deeply of the sweet scent. “Here, try this on.” Or if I translated, ‘Put it on or I will make mom tell you to put it on.’ She might be the younger one by 66.6 seconds but mom thinks she has a better fashion sense and so if Elisabeta wanted to dress me up it was better to agree the first time than suffer her punishment back up which is always worse than the first outfit she picks out.


I snatched it from her outstretched hand grudgingly and went to my room to change into it.


It isn't at the whirlpool part just yet if you are wondering why there is no whirlpool mentioned in the story at all. =P
 
Last edited:

Scarlett_156

Senior Member
Lol, thanks for the update about the whirlpool--I imagine that it's going to play an important role in the action.

I really like the way you describe things, and incorporate the feelings that those things make you feel into the description without slowing the action down or making the reader wonder what you're on about. That's the mark of a writer who takes care with every word. I note a couple of typos and some ungainly word usage here and there, but overall this reads very well and the action moves right along. The reader does not have to struggle to follow the action through the descriptions of things.

If this beginning is any indication, the rest of your tale is going to be entertaining. Keep up the good work! :)
 

eliza101

Member
Thank you very much. Yes the whirlpool is going to play a big part in the story it will change the rest of their lives and yes there are probably a lot of typos and word usage problems I always seem to correct them in my mind and skip right over them. =P
 

Kordain

Senior Member
i liked it, plot elements are semi in place.

a couple questions i would like answered in the story that you could place in there or change.

is it that particular bikini she does not like or is it bikinis in general?

how old are the characters, you don't have to say 'Adrian was 17 and i was 15' but just say what grade they may be in or i won't need by brother to drive me around in so many years.

seventh paragraph down it starts with a description of their hair try to put that in the middle of the paragraph, and don't always say it outright.

how far away is the beach? if the beach is hours away i can understand Adrian and sympathize with him but if the beach is ten minutes away i would feel bad for the girls. the readers have to sympathize with the characters or they don't want to read it.

i am interested and i want to get to the whirlpool part. just a guess do they get sucked into another world? how about they get super powers? a fish man invasion? just some guesses. thanks and post more soon.
 

eliza101

Member
I will get right on those suggestions and yes they do get sucked into another world and they do get super powers though not of the usual kind.
 

Bruno Spatola

Senior Member
I stared into those evil eyes with my own blue ones making sure to stress my squinted glare. -- Comma after blue ones me thinks.

“You will take me.” I simply smiled, got up and walked from the dining room and my suspicious brother, Adrian, and into my mom’s room down the hall. -- Read that back to yourself out loud, and I think you'll see the problem.

The bright pink assaulted me immediately. Pink had never been a color I particularly liked but if it had just been the walls it would have been fine had it not been the floor, comforter and pillows, nightstand, and mirror all in the same bright hot pink. -- I don't like the way you structure this to be honest, and there is some unnecessary repetition. Again, read the part I've underlined back to yourself out loud. It doesn't flow, I had to read it a few times. You don't want it to be a chore for me to read, you can lose the reader early on.

My mom sat on the bed, propped up against a pillow and was reading a book; she didn’t notice me until I crawled onto the bed next to her. -- Unneeded semi-colon, a full stop is fine me thinks. Also, I'd personally make it - My mom was sitting on the bed, propped up against a ____ pillow, reading a book.

“Sweetie what is it?” My mom asked looking up from her book. -- We know she's your mother now, no need to say my mom again, she or her is fine. Less noticeable than my mom as well.

She took off her reading glasses and set them on her nightstand, exposing her blue eyes to the world. -- You don't need to refer to everything as hers. Nothing wrong with repetition, it's unnecessary repetition that's the problem, I feel. She took off her reading glasses and set them on the nightstand, exposing blue eyes to the world sounds better. Also, I think to the world is a bit over-the-top. It sounds nice, but it doesn't sound right.

I leaned against my mom’s shoulder with a frown and began my ruse.

“I know it’s mean to make him chauffer us around, but he’s already graduated from school and is about to start college while we are only sophomores and haven’t gotten our licenses yet.” I spluttered, making my eyes big like I was about to cry. -- The dialogue seems really forced here. . .robotic even. I don't believe this is her speaking, more you typing, if you see what I mean. Also it's chauffeur not chauffer.

“Oh sweetie he will take you. I will make sure of that, are you going to the beach today?” She asked petting my head. -- Comma after asked. This, to me, doesn't sound like a mother talking. I think the speech needs a lot of work to be honest.

Like our neighbor who always seemed to be popping in for dinner whenever he wanted money or her ‘friend’ at work who always got the holidays as a work day and who makes up some sob story about family she hasn’t seen for years that she will get to see only on that day so my mom will work that day for her and she can sit at home and eat ice-cream on an old ratty couch watching a soap opera and crying in the dark.-- There is no punctuation here. . .is that intentional? I had to read it about six times, very jarring without a comma in sight.

I got up from the bed and stopped to take one look back at her slight frame in hot pink sleeveless pajamas. -- You only seem to describe the colour of things, and rarely elaborate. What am I assigning this colour to? What do the objects remind you of? You're sort of just telling me "this is pink, those eyes are green," without any artistry. No offence to you, maybe that's not your thing, but it's difficult for me to imagine something clearly just going from colours.

I sat back down at our mahogany table and smiled sweetly at my suspicious brother. -- Mahogany table doesn't aid me. What does it actually look like? You don't have to tell me its every nook and cranny, but this is just not enough information for me to form a solid picture. You need to help the reader.

“You manipulated mom again didn’t you?” He said with a glare. -- That doesn't sound right to me. I think the dialogue needs to be changed in most of the piece, to be totally blunt.

“Adrian is so nice to take us and all of our friends to the beach.” She giggled happily and brushed her red hair behind her ear. -- I'd say "It's so nice of Adrian to take us all to the beach." Reads much simpler and rolls off the tongue. I think if you read a lot of the things you've written aloud, you'll see why they don't flow particularly well.

She sat me on her fluffy white bed that I just loved sinking into and went over to her black retro dresser happily. -- Again, you focus on the colour too much, I feel. It's not descriptive enough.

She might be the younger one by 66.6 seconds but mom thinks she has a better fashion sense and so if Elisabeta wanted to dress me up it was better to agree the first time than suffer her punishment back up which is always worse than the first outfit she picks out.-- You need to start putting punctuation in before you post such a large amount. It makes it so much more difficult to review something properly when there is such a lack of commas and the like. Also, 66.6 seconds? That seems a bit silly in my opinion.

I think you need to re-write a lot of this. The dialogue feels forced and overall, it was very hard for me to read. It lacks depth, and I think you need to do a lot more proof-reading before posting any more. The characters didn't appeal to me, they just feel like names on paper at the moment. Once you get a lot of the fundamental problems ironed out, I can see myself liking it.

This all seems very negative, and I'm sure there are people who totally disagree with me, but they're just suggestions. You don't have to take on board anything I say. Good luck with this :)
 

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