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The Water Dancer (1 Viewer)

bookworm189

Senior Member
She leaps and skips in her delight
a child still
ecstatic at the prospect of her being.

Daughter of the placid pool
whence her existence springs
her wild, wild hair sprays giddily
as she dances the water dance.

Energized ripples of fluid life
her gurgling laugh bubbles up towards the sky,
trying each time to joyfully reach higher and higher.
The blue above beckons.

Then someone turns a switch
and the child evolves into a graceful ballerina.
Twirling, she delicately arcs and daintily curves
back into her maternal pool.
 

Ariel

WF Veterans
I feel as though you're trying to say more in this than simply give us a portrait of a dancer or a drop of water. Whatever you're trying to say, for me, it's not working. I love the language you're using and I can imagine this quite well but the meter is off, especially with the second line being so short amongst the longer lines. A more purposeful meter will help this to evoke the idea of grace.

(Your poem made me think of this picture).

148.JPG
 

bookworm189

Senior Member
I edited it into a sonnet. Does this work better?


A child still, she leaps and skips, free of cares
And celebrates her being with a joyful prance
Daughter of the placid pool , her wild hair
Sprays giddily as she dances the water dance
Fascinated by her own existence,
She energizes ripples of fluid action
Into aqueous jewels of sparkling brilliance
And the blue above calls out and beckons
Gurgling, she bubbles up towards the sky
In ecstatic fits of gleeful laughter
Each time she tries to reach higher and high
Till someone turns a green switch to amber
Then delicately arcs and daintily spools
Twirling back into her maternal pool
 

Blade

Creative Area Specialist (Fiction)
WF Veterans
I think that it works much better than the OP although it might be a better idea to focus on the rhythm rather than try to force it into a classic sonnet form. I am no expert on such things but I enjoy a work that flows easily rather than formal rhyme schemes. Compare.

OP said:
Then someone turns a switch - 6
and the child evolves into a graceful ballerina. - 13
Twirling, she delicately arcs and daintily curves - 11
back into her maternal pool. - 7

And.

Lines 11-14 2ne version said:
Each time she tries to reach higher and high - 10
Till someone turns a green switch to amber - 10
Then delicately arcs and daintily spools - 10
Twirling back into her maternal pool - 10

You can see how even version 2 is compared the OP but you also get stuck with some awkward side effects.

"reach higher and high" amber (??) Change of person lines 2 - 3 Rhyming couplet?


I think the answer lies somewhere in between though I have a strong preference to the second version. :cheers:
 

dannyboy

Friends of WF
I preferred the first poem. The short second line did not bother me, too the still as a stillness moment. The thing I would change is the dance and dances usage. I dance is enough for me. Another word for the first instance?
 
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