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The Unkempt Hair (1 Viewer)

jimmycracker

Senior Member
I already finished this, so I'll just keep posting what I have. I'm planning on rewriting it later with proper format and general dialogue improvements, but first I want to get a general consensus on the content.

-

ACT I

SCENE I

A visiting room in a prison set in the fictional town of Feldspar, Wisconsin, 1971. RODRIGUEZ, 24, prison guard, is seated on a chair eyeing the empty booth, apart from a potbellied, middle-aged prisoner waiting on the other side.

Enter SUNRISA, sixteen, who approaches prisoner from Rodriguez’s side and begins indistinct conversation.

SUNRISA

Good news; I, um... I talked to Martin last night on the phone, and he said we may have a chance. I mean, we have a chance – It’ll just take some paperwork, and time... a bit of time, you know. After that, it’ll be all settled, and you’re free to go. Does that sound good to you?

MAN

I tell ya’, it sounds a lot better than I thought. I thought I was gonna’ be in here for, oh... I dunno’, another twenty years or something. But that’s good news – if I’m getting out early or something.

SUNRISA

Well, just remember to have hope.

RODRIGUEZ begins writing in notepad, speaking his written words out loud while SUNRISA and the man silently continue their conversation.

RODRIGUEZ

She has emerged once more, it seems. Amongst this past week she has referred to a “trial”, a Martin—who I assume lends help to their apparent ordeal, which I’ve not yet grasped—and an “incident”, which I have also not yet identified. I find it strange that the content of this “incident” is obscured in conversation, yet the girl seems to apprehend it without difficulty.

SUNRISA

What have you been up to, Ted?

MAN

I’ve been watching television, you know. Oh (chuckles), yesterday on channel fourteen these two chicks were dancing up and down on stage and their titties and stuff were hanging out and everything (guffaws). Hell man, it was awesome. You should’ve seen it.

SUNRISA

Well, thank me – my parents for paying the electricity fee in your cell (laughs). It took them a lot of convincing—

MAN

Hell, I don’t see why these lazy Americans can’t pay for my TV with their god damn tax money. A buncha’ no good, selfish bastards, that’s what they are.

SUNRISA:

Well, I love my parents for doing you this favor. I can definitely say that much.

RODRIGUEZ

(Continues writing) This man is undoubtedly both imprudent and foolish. I can only hope I am not instructed to escort him to his cell by the ascending authority, or I will surely be struck by aggravation and distress, as has been the case numerous times in the past.

MAN

Hell, those were some fine titties. That bitch—hell, she was one fine bitch alright. A fine bitch, with those titties, hell.

SUNRISA

I bet.

RODRIGUEZ

Lastly, when he displays a nearly-infantile degree of stupidity with his blatant remarks, the sounds emitted from his voice are raspy, blusterous and unpleasant. I do not desire his acquaintance in any way.

SUNRISA

Have you thought anymore about what you want to do when you get out?

TED

Well I hope I don’t do anything that’ll put me back in here, that’s for sure.

SUNRISA

That’s a nice plan.

TED

I might get a job, actually. Maybe I’ll work in construction, ‘cause of my strongness, how I can lift heavy objects, and you know. All that kind of stuff. Or maybe—maybe I’ll be a counter. I’m good with money and everything.

SUNRISA

Maybe you mean an accountant? And yeah, you’re great with money! I saw how you handled that—

TED

Or a fireman, or a doctor, or maybe a lawyer just like Martin! Shit, I’d make a lot of money off that, I tell you. I’d be making like millions of dollars for each case. That would be the life right there.

SUNRISA

You’d be wonderful at all—

TED

And then when I get all that money, I’ll buy this huge apartment, almost as big as a mansion maybe, and then—then I’d buy this big screen TV, then I’d get a shit-load of beer, and invite a whole buncha’ bitches over to my apartment, man, then I’d—

SUNRISA

I think our time’s up, Ted. (Glances at RODRIGUEZ.) It’s... up, right? The time?

RODRIGUEZ says nothing.

SUNRISA

Well, thanks for letting me visit you, Ted.

TED

Yeah, anytime.

A guard on TED’s side takes him away.

Exit TED.

Exit GUARD.

SUNRISA looks at RODRIGUEZ, smiles, and approaches him.

SUNRISA

Thanks.

RODRIGUEZ

We have only just met, yet my inability to discern sarcasm from sincerity is already evident – a weakness on your part. It would help drastically if you were less ambiguous during this conversation.

SUNRISA

Yeah, that’s true, I’m not very good at speaking directly. One of my faults, I guess.

RODRIGUEZ

You have just now repeated the same mistake.

SUNRISA

I wouldn’t bet on it. So far I’ve been truly sincere.

RODRIGUEZ

Then you have expressed gratitude for something of which I am fully ignorant, which still remains your fault, as you have not yet explained yourself intelligibly.

SUNRISA

(Cheerful tone.) Too true. I’ll keep that in mind next time.

RODRIGUEZ

Undoubtedly.

SUNRISA

Say, I’m not that familiar with this part of the city. Do you know of any coffee shops around here?

RODRIGUEZ

That would be unlikely in a rural, abandoned district with little activity. But stupidly, they placed this prison in an industrious section of the city with far too many citizens, so yes, businesses and major enterprises are exceptionally common. As for your specific question, there is a tea house of Japanese descent not far from this facility.

SUNRISA

That sounds lovely.

RODRIGUEZ

It seems you have ignored half my–

SUNRISA

—Say... would you like to... (glances at RODRIGUEZ for a few seconds) ...to join me?

RODRIGUEZ

That depends partly on what time my shift will discontinue... and the probability that you will interrupt me hereafter this conversation.

SUNRISA

Sure, sorry about that.

RODRIGUEZ

Your sarcasm is evident–

SUNRISA

It’s... is it? Well, okay. By the way, you’re being kind of – well, this isn’t a bad thing, I mean – but you’re being really stiff. It’s sort of –

RODRIGUEZ

Silly, I’d assume, which is based directly on your invalid perceptions.

SUNRISA

Sorry... forget I said anything. But, um, anyway, is there any chance that you want to join me? This is the last time I ask, promise.

RODRIGUEZ

Yes.

SUNRISA

Alright, let’s go. Or... let us prominently withdraw our anthropological physiques from this public facility... whatever suits you.

RODRIGUEZ

Very well. But keep in mind for the future, apologizing will lead us nowhere.
 

kerpoe

Senior Member
It was strong (I'm no playwrite or screenwriter)

my only problems were when you made references to a big screen tv in 1971...Overall, the congruity of the characters was great and what not. It has potential.
 

jimmycracker

Senior Member
Yeah, I was thinking that. Thx for the confirmation.

Next scene:

SCENE II.

The tea house. RODRIGUEZ and SUNRISA are sitting down at a table (there’s an empty table beside it), RODRIGUEZ (still wearing his uniform) with tea, and SUNRISA with tea and ice cream. Soothing Japanese music (instrumental) plays quietly.

SUNRISA

Isn’t it sort of illegal to wear that uniform in public?

RODRIGUEZ

(Takes a sip of tea.) I see no reason why it should be.

SUNRISA

Want my jacket? I’ve no idea why I’m wearing it; it’s freezing in here.

RODRIGUEZ

You’ll notice I never stated exhibiting oneself in this outfit in public was unlawful.

SUNRISA

Yup, but you never said it was legal either... Never mind, sorry. So, what time do you get off work?

RODRIGUEZ

(Sips tea again.) That should be rather conclusive, as I implied earlier my rendezvous with you depended entirely on what time my shift would discontinue.

SUNRISA

Oh, right. Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. Sorry.

RODRIGUEZ takes a long sip of tea.

RODRIGUEZ

Apologies are unnecessary, as I have not yet witnessed from you a discourteous exertion.

SUNRISA

Okay. Oh, I forgot to ask, do you have a name?

RODRIGUEZ

Yes.

SUNRISA

Oh. Okay. Good to know.

RODRIGUEZ

If receiving my name rather than confirming I possess such a feature was your intent, you should have made that clear.

SUNRISA

Right. So, what would your name be?

RODRIGUEZ

Address me when asking a question.

SUNRISA

Joke?

RODRIGUEZ

Yes.

SUNRISA

Funny.

RODRIGUEZ

I presumed as much.

SUNRISA

Okay.

RODRIGUEZ

My name is Rodriguez.

SUNRISA

I’m Sunrisa (smiles). And... I’m glad this tension has passed.

RODRIGUEZ

I was not aware of such a tension.

SUNRISA

Lucky.

RODRIGUEZ

(Sips tea.) You appear to be exceptionally young.

SUNRISA

I just turned sixteen last August. What about you?

RODRIGUEZ

I am twenty-four. And I hope your parents do not disapprove of our acquaintance.

SUNRISA

Why do you hope that?

RODRIGUEZ

It was irrelevant. Disregard.

SUNRISA

Sorry—I mean, certainly.

RODRIGUEZ

Yes, you are certainly sorry. Cease to be.

SUNRISA

I’m trying.

RODRIGUEZ

I assume you possess a habitat.

SUNRISA

Um... yeah. You mean, you’re asking about my house?

RODRIGUEZ

That is correct.

SUNRISA

(Smiles, shaking her head.) You could ask me where I live next time, perhaps. You’re not a robot, you know. At least, I don’t think you are.

RODRIGUEZ

It fails to be a necessity, therefore I should not be required to—

SUNRISA

Never mind. Sorry. I... I live about two miles from here. It’s not a house, actually. It’s just an apartment. A pretty shoddy one, I’ll add. But it’s heaven.

RODRIGUEZ

Your parents must be separated.

SUNRISA

How did you know?

RODRIGUEZ

I impeded on your conversation one day and heard something to that effect.

SUNRISA

Well, uhm, they’re not exactly separated. I mean – one more than the other, I guess. I mean they are separated, but... I don’t know. It’s, uhm... it’s kinda’ hard to explain. So... (Scratches head.)

RODRIGUEZ

Undoubtedly.

SUNRISA

Do you want to hear the brighter side, though?

RODRIGUEZ

Yes, If one has in fact occurred.

SUNRISA

My best friend heard about what happened—I was twelve or thirteen at the time, I think—then she and her parents let me stay at her house, legally adopted me. I’ve stayed there ever since ...They’re angels, needless to say.

RODRIGUEZ

That is highly advantageous.

SUNRISA

Yup.

They both sip their tea.

SUNRISA

So, tell me, truly. Is your shift really over right now, or did you just leave during the job? If you did just leave like that suddenly ... why did—I wonder why you did that.

RODRIGUEZ

And now I must return to my job. I will observe you later.

SUNRISA

Oh, alright. I’ll see you later. You know, I’ll probably be making daily trips to this part of town–at least for a while–and this place is quite nice... so if you ever want to find me, this is the place. (Checks her watch.) Same time.

RODRIGUEZ

Goodbye.

Exit RODRIGUEZ.
 

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