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The Trap of "Good" (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
When I started walking on my feet,
My parents cried " Good!! Good!! ".
Whenever I stumbled,
they screamed " No!!! No!!".
Then I always chose the roads so smooth.

I always scored above ninety five percent in schools.
"Good", they said.
I switched on, my emotional and sexual desires,
"You are now eligible for marriage" and Good", they said.
When youths of my age, were contributing,
agitating, in movements of human welfare,
I kept myself away, for being so peaceful.
"Good", they said.

I didn't know, the trap of "Good"
was spreading like a tumour inside,
eating me inside, killing me inside.
Until I met my childhood friend.

Everybody used to tell him,
" You are not good, why you always keep on trying to be so clever?",
But he was so determined,
to be rebellious of his kind.
That, no backbiting of him,
no yelling at him, could turn his mind.
He used to always challenge, for the things, then, called
" Good".
He was always ready to suffer, for his own rules of,
" What should ".
He was looking at me,from a distance far off,
when I left a lady stranded there on road,
who had just met an accident,
and I had to attend a meeting for the board.
While leaving after office, I saw him waiting for me in the car park.
Morning incidence that had happened, and it was useless for me to think, that he was in dark.
He came to me and asked, how good are you now?
And the invisible needle had already pierced my heart,
And my eyes asked him, if he could tell to, heal how?
And he said, it's time, you come out,
of that , " Good" trap,
Leave that skin there only,
Look for your wings,
Now onwards, just flap, just flap.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is good, again this gives way to the speaker’s history in a way that really draws the reader in. You create a tension with the repetition of, “good,” and the sense I get of the speaker just wanting to let us and feel more than this reservation that emanates from the world of their parents. I would like to see this tension built upon, for me I would like to see the speaker let loose, you get a sense that they are on the verge of an outburst and I think I would like to glimpse that as a reader.

In technical terms I think this would benefit from a little blank space, it can feel like a block in places and as a reader I would like a bit of air in places.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

This is good, again this gives way to the speaker’s history in a way that really draws the reader in. You create a tension with the repetition of, “good,” and the sense I get of the speaker just wanting to let us and feel more than this reservation that emanates from the world of their parents. I would like to see this tension built upon, for me I would like to see the speaker let loose, you get a sense that they are on the verge of an outburst and I think I would like to glimpse that as a reader.

In technical terms I think this would benefit from a little blank space, it can feel like a block in places and as a reader I would like a bit of air in places.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
Thanks Syd,
I am incorporating, what you have suggested.
Highly appreciate your feedback.
Keep doing well.
Good luck
Ritu
 
When I started walking on my feet,
My parents cried " Good!! Good!! ".
Whenever I stumbled,
they screamed " No!!! No!!".
Then I always chose the roads so smooth.

I always scored above ninety five percent in schools.
"Good", they said.
I switched on, my emotional and sexual desires,
"You are now eligible for marriage" and Good", they said.
When youths of my age, were contributing,
agitating, in movements of human welfare,
I kept myself away, for being so peaceful.
"Good", they said.

I didn't know, the trap of "Good"
was spreading like a tumour inside,
eating me inside, killing me inside.
Until I met my childhood friend.

Everybody used to tell him,
" You are not good, why you always keep on trying to be so clever?",
But he was so determined,
to be rebellious of his kind.
That, no backbiting of him,
no yelling at him, could turn his mind.
He used to always challenge, for the things, then, called
" Good".
He was always ready to suffer, for his own rules of,
" What should ".
He was looking at me,from a distance far off,
when I left a lady stranded there on road,
who had just met an accident,
and I had to attend a meeting for the board.
While leaving after office, I saw him waiting for me in the car park.
Morning incidence that had happened, and it was useless for me to think, that he was in dark.
He came to me and asked, how good are you now?
And the invisible needle had already pierced my heart,
And my eyes asked him, if he could tell to, heal how?
And he said, it's time, you come out,
of that , " Good" trap,
Leave that skin there only,
Look for your wings,
Now onwards, just flap, just flap.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

I really liked this piece...the message in it. It's very powerful and you did a great job of getting your point across. I related to your story because I too have been caught in the "good trap."
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I really liked this piece...the message in it. It's very powerful and you did a great job of getting your point across. I related to your story because I too have been caught in the "good trap."

Thanks Happy Hippie,
I think most of us have been trapped in that, sometime, the important thing is, when we come to realise that. That realisation can make a lot of difference.

Good luck
Ritu
 
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