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The Things She Remembered (1 Viewer)

Delphina

Member
She remembered everything.
The rocky out cropping
At the edge of the canyon
Where she first learned that you were
Afraid of heights.
She remembered
The overstuffed chair
In the large furniture showroom
When you picked out your first couch.
She remembered
The name of your first grade teacher
Which you told her only once
And
She remembered that you had been ravaged by jealousy
At the seaside in a cold grey drizzle.
She remembered
Your taillights leaving on an autumn night
And an empty lot
marked in the red flags
of hindsight
And
If she could forget the way she was touched
And the way your days together felt like eternities
She would still never give you a second chance
Because she remembers the feeling
Of being boiled alive
By your fire of desire.
 

stuub27

Senior Member
I'm not intending to follow you Delphina, but I can only comment on the poems that speak to me in some way...

I keep coming back to this one. Great selection/collection of memories. Intimate mixed with the almost insignificant. You convey a depth of relationship with what is ultimately not that many words. A mean feat.

If I may express 3 things that bug me?
1) Could you consider making the 2nd line, "The rocky outcrop"? "Out cropping" jars with me. But it's a very minor point
2) This really is just probably me, but I get kind of lost in the "empty lot marked in the red flags". What's the image here? I like the lines from "taillights" to "hindsight". It resonates with me, but I'm not sure if I understand? An even more minor point that the first
3) The final line...could you drop "fire of"?

Anyway, still feels weird giving feedback/critique. Ignoring me would be perfectly valid! :)
 

cheshirelion

Senior Member
Brilliant work in perfect form
Of words that told of passing storms
In heat the lover fights for life
The passion sought to love
But then cuts back, a double edg-ed knife
Wield it right
And turn to pass between
Then all protected hold eternal light

---Loved your work. *fire*
 
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