Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

The Sun Shone on Through (1 Viewer)

MiloFife

Member
The whistling wind, the trickling streams
The moss covered trees, grass dew that gleams
The chatter of birds, sounds burst at the seams
Eloquence, Elegance - enchanting our dreams

The sound of our feet, daylight is dwindling
The crunch of autumn leaves, snapping of kindling
We walk on for miles, aimlessly believing
That the more lost, we are found when sharing this feeling

My heartbeat it dances, we stop and we stare
We hold eachother close, I clutch at your hair
Surrounded by people, walking by without care
The world keeps on spinning, but no-one is there

The crisp of the air, glowing of the moon
Every night just the same, not a moment too soon
In the darkness, the shadows, the canopy of gloom
Your eyes meet the light and sparkle in tune

Every star in the sky glows outrageously bright
Diminishes the troubles, the strife and the plight
Lights up your face, turns all wrongs into right
They shine just for you, cos you're here on this night.

We're embraced by the woods when its just me and you
The forest won't condemn what is false or what's true
We shelter from the rain, we've nothing to do
Then we touch and it stops, and the sun shone on through
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Very much appreciated the time, patience and discipline that goes into creating a piece such as this. The thought an attention to detail to ensure that the meter and rhyme work is evident throughout. I hope you don’t mind me saying but there are portions of this piece that gave me proper A Visit from St Nicholas vibes. Although that may well be the afternoon and evening spent watching Hallmark Christmas movies.

All this being said, there are times especially towards the end of the piece where I feel like you are running out of steam and forcing some of the rhyme and rhythm, which pulls me out of the piece as a reader.

Hope this helps somewhat.

Cheers

Syd
 

stony

Senior Member
This is a good start but the flow is stifled by too much variance in syllables from line to line and stanza to stanza. I think if you commit to 10, maybe 11 syllables per line, you could keep the heart of the poem and the rhyme but allow it to slip along more easily. I find if I commit to a syllable count, I'm much more economical with my words and the poem is better for it. Some words I would consider eliminating, unless absolutely necessary are "and", "the", and "that". They appear quit a lot and there are places where they could be eliminated and the line condensed.

For Example:

The whistling wind and the trickling streams
The moss covered trees and the grass dew that gleams
The chatter of birds, sounds burst at the seams
The eloquence, and elegance - enchanting our dreams

Could be

The whistling wind, the trickling streams.
The moss covered trees, the dewy grass gleams
The chatter of birds, sounds burst at the seams
Eloquence, elegance, - enchanting our dreams.

Try that and I think you can coax out the mood and emotion you are looking to bring to this piece.
 
  • Thanks
Reactions: PiP

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
New to these forums, 10 year break from poetry. Looking for feedback



The whistling wind and the trickling streams
The whistling wind and trickling streams
The moss covered trees and the grass dew that gleams
moss covered trees, grass dew gleams
The chatter of birds, sounds burst at the seams chattering birds, {sounds burst at the seams}*** here the rhyme sounds forced
The eloquence, and elegance - enchanting our dreams
eloquence and elegance enchanting our dreams*** Nice line!

The sound of our feet and the daylight is dwindling
Here is a glaring problem, your over- use of the word "of"
The crunching of autumn leaves and snapping of kindling
Again "of" ,,, autumn leaves crunching,
We walk on for miles, aimlessly believing
That the more lost, we are found when sharing this feeling

My heartbeat it dances when we stop and we stare
cut the word "it... my heart beat dances when we stop and stare
We hold each-other close, I clutch at your hair
I clutch at your hair... hummm does NOT sound romantic.. ;)
Surrounded by people, walking by without care
The world keeps on spinning, but no-one is there


The crisp of the air and the glow of the moon Cut "of" ...Crisp air and the glow of the moon... sorry, this is soo cliché
Every night the same not a moment too soon
forced rhyme and really this line adds nothing to your poem..
In the darkness, the shadows, the canopy of gloom
Your eyes meet the light and sparkle in tune

For every star in the sky glows outrageously bright
Diminishes the troubles, the strife and the plight avoid phrases like " the strife and the plight" they are broad statements and are not very original ....
Lights up your face, and turns all wrongs into right
ooops! another cliché ...
They shine just for you, cos you're here on this night.

We're embraced by the woods when its just me and you
The forest does not condemn what is false or what's true
We shelter from the rain, we've nothing to do
Then we touch and it stops, and the sun shone on through


You have some killer rhyming skills and I love that, however I did not hear your poetic voice in this poem, what I did hear was a lot of common phrases and not much originality.....
Yes, this was a nice poem, but I want something different, more... I want to hear your voice....

I hope this helps, I am looking forward to reading more of your work, welcome to the fabulous Poet's Showcase... ;)
 

MiloFife

Member
Really appreciate the time you have all taken to leave comments. I often write a poem with no intention to come back to it and work on it, however this particular piece I felt deserved review. Your comments are helpful and I hope to continue to develop it.

Specific comments regarding syllable count, poetic voice and depth of emotion / cliche's are all totally justified. I often write in spoken word which means this rhythm and rhyme pattern is quite new to me - it's definitely not my normal style (ie. lack of poetic voice here). Also the emotion is linked very specifically to a set of experiences of falling in love. It was written for someone else which might be why 'references' seem either nebulous or out of place.

I will post a revised version soon - and probably post something 'more me' soon to see how my poetic voice lands with you.

I really appreciate you sharing your expertise and opinion.
Much Obliged!
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I am glad to hear that you are going to work on your poem ;), I think it is time and effort well spent....

I cannot tell you how many times I have had my knuckles rapped by my Mentors... lol... yeah, it stung, and it was painful at times, but now I call it growing pains... I wrote a poem and I think I put every cliché I had ever heard, in that poem... my favorite cliché was "down memory lane".... ahhh well... I am looking forward to reading your revision, should you post it.... ;)
 

MiloFife

Member
I have edited the original post with a slightly tightened up version
Thanks for your input everyone
It has now gone to print for twin copies, one for me - and one for the eyes that sparkle in tune :)
 
Top