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The Song of the Dragon-Wife (1 Viewer)

Elenxes_II

Senior Member
You thought you could just run away…
Make me a cuckold on our wedding day…
Well it’s not that easy to flee from me,
You horrible, faithless, monstrous flea!
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I’m coming, it’s time to judge you and your whore
Let’s see you trapped behind the cage door
To be mocked and pelted with burning filth
Everyone will see your sin, from lord to smith
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The seas and sails will not preserve the life that’s yours
I’m one of those burning people who soars
Of burning breath, brass wing, iron flank
From your boat, you and your whore I will yank
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I’ll erase you from the world’s memory
Turn you to ashes, and to ashes you’ll be
And paint your slattern’s face with flame
The one for this you have to blame?
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You, you, you, you, you!
You I will pursue!
Monster, monster, monster, monster!
And when I’m done with you… I’ll homeward wander
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Hummmm.... yeah, I get it... you were scorned, and... it hurt like hell, and nothing inspires such rage as when your heart is wounded by the object of your desire... betrayal is brutal... what I would have loved, here in your poem, is to see more creativity, for me, as this reads now, it sounds like a rant... take that rage, and ... instead of telling me how angry you are... show me.... let ME see your pain... that will create an intimacy with your reader.... one more thing... your rhyme did not do this poem any favors... the rhyme scheme was front and center and it really should be "background music"...

I do love your strong poetic voice and I also believe that you have the skill AND the passion ;) to turn this into a fabulous poem.... thank you for sharing, and welcome to the fabulous Poet's Showcase...
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
You thought you could just run away…
Make me a cuckold on our wedding day…
Well it’s not that easy to flee from me,
You horrible, faithless, monstrous flea!
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]

I’m coming, it’s time to judge you and your whore
Let’s see you trapped behind the cage door
To be mocked and pelted with burning filth
Everyone will see your sin, from lord to smith
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]

The seas and sails will not preserve the life that’s yours
I’m one of those burning people who soars
Of burning breath, brass wing, iron flank
From your boat, you and your whore I will yank
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]

I’ll erase you from the world’s memory
Turn you to ashes, and to ashes you’ll be
And paint your slattern’s face with flame
The one for this you have to blame?
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]

You, you, you, you, you!
You I will pursue!
Monster, monster, monster, monster!
And when I’m done with you… I’ll homeward wander

I love the vehemence and vitriol in this. Sometimes an artist finds a rotting apple far more interesting to paint. Whether it's from personal experience or not, it's honest, and that can only be a good thing when you write anything.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
Hummmm.... yeah, I get it... you were scorned, and... it hurt like hell, and nothing inspires such rage as when your heart is wounded by the object of your desire... betrayal is brutal... what I would have loved, here in your poem, is to see more creativity, for me, as this reads now, it sounds like a rant... take that rage, and ... instead of telling me how angry you are... show me.... let ME see your pain... that will create an intimacy with your reader.... one more thing... your rhyme did not do this poem any favors... the rhyme scheme was front and center and it really should be "background music"...

I do love your strong poetic voice and I also believe that you have the skill AND the passion ;) to turn this into a fabulous poem.... thank you for sharing, and welcome to the fabulous Poet's Showcase...

This is an interesting post. I thought the pain was plain to see. :)
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I need to correct myself... The writer "showed" me " anger,".. I wanted to "feel" the pain BEHIND the rage... anger is only a manifestation of pain....

This fascinates me. The level of anger IS the feeling behind the pain.

Imagine a painter, confronted by a blank canvas. He's been staring at it for two hours, his mind lost in thoughts of his wife leaving. He loved her deeply and feels he can't live without her. Suddenly he snatches up the thickest brush, dips it deeply into black and begins stabbing and slashing at the canvas. The more angry he becomes, the more aggressive his strokes. He dips his brush in another colour and continues, every frustration, every anguish, every second of hatred manifested in paint. He stands back when he's spent, sweat pouring from his brow.

What should I take from that picture? The result of his anger, or the level of pain he must have experienced to express this anger? A broken glass isn't just a broken glass, it's an indication it was dropped.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
But you only SEE the finished painting.... You do not know what the artist FELT while painting, one draws their own conclusion while viewing the finished work... ;)
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
But you only SEE the finished painting.... You do not know what the artist FELT while painting, one draws their own conclusion while viewing the finished work... ;)

I hope you don't mind this kind of conversation! I like to drill down sometimes.

I see a man who desperately loves his wife. He loves her so much he's willing to spend the rest of his life pursuing the man who took her away. He's driven by love, not anger. He uses the anger for the man to hide the depth of feeling for his wife. He sees his wife as a 'whore' because he can't face the truth. People do and say the opposite of what they feel or mean quite often. 'I hate you!' = 'I love you.' 'You're ugly anyway!' = 'You are beautiful'. 'You were crap in bed anyway!' = 'I love making love with you'. I'm not saying this is a 'good man', only that he's human, and that comes with many flaws.

It's not a complex poem by any means but it IS visceral, gritty and sincere. In my opinion of course. :)
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I love discussing poetry, and I enjoy reading your thoughts, but I do not want to derail this thread... I will leave you with this: IMO, the writer "told me about the painting"... I wanted to see the painting ... thanks for a cool discussion ;)

Elenxes.... a critique is just an opinion, nothing more...If comments given makes you view your poem in a new way... at the very least it gives you something to think about ;)

I am looking forward to reading more of your work....
 
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