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The Serpent Queen (1 Viewer)

The Serpent Queen
By RainbowNerd
Chapter 1, Jamie Knox

"Another day at the wonderful school, Marville Highschool." I moaned dreadfully as I climbed out of bed. Might as well be a horrible day, because it's my birthday! I thought cheerfully, it's not like i'm being targeted by the cheerleaders. "Ack, I hate my life." I sighed as I pulled on a charcoal black blouse and a pair of acid washed skinny jeans, running my fingers over the holes and pulling on the thread that stuck out. "Zzzzurp." I giggled as I yanked a shiny, white leather vest out of the closet and zipped the black zipper up. I ran a brush through my curly light blonde hair and pulled it into a somewhat regal but messy bun, letting some of my hair hang over my deep blue eyes. "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..." I hummed as I dusted a shadowy black eyeshadow over my eyelids and applied a thick black mascarra. A voice boomed from downstairs "JAMIE! Hurry up!" I sighed, spritzed some lilac perfume on my neck, and slipped into my black and white zebra print pumps. My door clicked open and I heard a loud sigh "Jamie, can you take any longer." I looked up and stared angrily at my brother, Tim." I sneered "Yeah." Tim snorted in amusement and I smacked him with my bag. I stepped out of my room, and slowly walked downstairs. A strong arm wrapped around my waist and picked me up, I shrieked "Put me down, Tim!" Tim laughed, and carried me outside. I smacked him once again, and jumped into his car. Tim said nothing and stepped into the car. He started to drive, still not talking.

Chapter 2, Rumors, Hate, and Math Homework

"Augh! Hurry up, Tim!" I yelled as we pulled into the schools parking lot. Tim jerked to a stop and I jumped out of the car. I rushed into school, and walked as slowly and calmly as I could. I glanced around and sighed in relief, no one was paying attention to me. I looked up to see Amber and her prissy cheerleader posse. Amber's nasal voice cut through the air "OMG! That is like so true! Jamie's hair is like SO ugly!" I bit my tongue, so hard that I tasted blood, to stop me from making an ugly retort, it didn't work "Hey Man-hands! Why don't you go stop gossiping about someones hair when you can't even take care of your own!" Amber looked up in disgust, but said nothing, as if she couldn't come up with anything. A rude smirk spread across my face as I kept going, acid in my tone "Yeah, I'm talking to you Miss Splitends. Or are you deaf?" Amber gasped like I had actually offended her "Well... you just watch out, I'll ruin your life!" I looked her in the eye and panicky thoughts raced through my head "Try me." My tone surprised me, instead of a shaky and scared squeak, it was a vicious growl. Amber tossed her hair over her shoulder and walked down the hall, her hips swinging from side-to-side. I snickered "If she swings that thing anymore, she'll break it." I suddenly remembered that I needed to get to class. I sighed and stepped into Math. My teacher, Ms. Penramire, glared at me and said "Ms.Knox, you are late!" I sighed, that meant extra homework.

Chapter 3, Cafeteria Food Flys

I smiled as I walked down the hall, towards lunch. The day had gone by so fast. I stepped into the cafeteria and quickly grabbed my food. I started to alk around looking for some place to sit. A hand raised into the air and waved at me, it was my bestfriend, Logan. "Ehh! Waddup!" I laughed at her fake accent and sat down next to her. Logan nudged me with her elbow and said "Soo... I heard you got in a fight with Little Miss Priss." I smiled at her "I won."
"Of course you did, why wouldn't you?"
"I don't know, maybe her nasaly voice will kill me." Logan laughed and then narrowed her eyes as Amber walked towards us, her posse right behind her. I sneered "Back for more?" Amber scoffed "You never won."
"Oh really?"
"Why am I even talking to you?"
"Because you walked over here, nitwit"
Amber clenched her fists and hissed "Now!" I jerked out of my seat and fell into a defensive position, because hey, I do boxing, and karate, I'm bound to want to defend myself. The jocks stood up and one of them lobbed a glob of mac-n-cheese at me. I dropped into a crouch before, what seemed like a minute, the mac-n-cheese flew past me, splattering against the wall. Suddenly, I didn't feel like I was controlling my actions. My movements were smooth and quick. I stared around at everyone in the cafeteria. People's mouths were gaped, the jocks brows were scrunched together in confusion and anger, Amber had her arms folded in annoyance. Logan was the only one grinning at me. Wait, was there a look of pride in Logan's eyes, like when a sister sees her little sister learn to walk. I lightly jumped out of the way when a glob of masehd potatoes flew towards me. I sighed loudly "Will you guys ever give up?" A jock yelled angrily "Never!" To my surprise, a football was launched towards me, what wasn't surprising was the fact that the jock that had yelled at me, threw it. My hands shot up, and I wrapped my fingers around it. I brought my arm up, tensed my muscles, and with a burst of power, I threw the football back. I watched it spiral through the air, and smack the jock in the forehead. He stumbled back and tripped into a trash can. I smirked as the cafeteria exploded into laughter the jock was red-faced and the other jocks were glaring at me, Amber was glaring at me too.

Chapter 4, I'ma What Now?!

I looked around the cafeteria as they laughed and pointed at the jock that had tripped into the trash can, he was covering his face and trying to get out at the same time. I giggled and walked towards him, he looked up and growled "What do you want?" I rolled my eyes and answered "Well tomato face, I wanna help you up." I held out my hand I jerked backwards as he grabbed my hand. He tried to jump forward as I pulled him, it didn't help much though. I still yanked him out. I stomped my foot behind me to steady myself, and I stared at the jock, his mouth gaping, as a loud cracking noice echoed around the cafeteria. I straightened myself, and lifted up my foot. There was a crack under my foot, it was the length of my shoe. I stuttered "U-uh, I'm gonna go now, see ya later maybe." I shuffled out of the lunchroom and into the hall. Logan suddenly appeared practically out of no where, and said, her voice sounding excited "It's time sister." She then disappeared with a flourish, leaving me with my mouth open and my head cocked to the side.
I shuffled awkwardly down the hall, it was the end of the day. I walked towards the school doors. but suddenly out of the corner of my eye, there were balloons, the color blue. Blue is my favorite color! I thought cheerfully as I changed my direction down the hall. The lights flickered off and I knew something was wrong. A high-pitched giggled echoed down the hall, and that set off my alarm. People started to step out of the shadows, all of them were jocks and cheerleaders. "Hey Jamie, now do you really think you won?" Amber sneered. I snorted in amusement "Pretty much..." A small orange light flickered in the corner of my eye. I spun around to see a jock waving around a lighter. A high-pitched squeak escaped my mouth and a chorus of giggles came from the cheerleaders behind me. A growl echoed from up the hall, and everyone, including me looked down the hall. I suddenly knew that was my chance, but I didn't get to use it. A shadow shot down the hall, and I caught a glimpse of silver. The large shape came, no slithered, towards us. I looked it in the eye, and a my stomach did a flip-flop, the thing looked like Logan. "L-Logan?..." The thing slithered out of the shadows, from waist up, it was a beautiful woman, the face looked exactly like Logan, and from waist down, it was a long black serpent body. I smiled as it spoke "Yes sister, it is me." Sister?! What?! "I'm not your sister!" I screamed, but a snarl came from behind me, it was Amber "Leave us alone, she is mine!" Since when?! I thought angrily, and then I yelled "WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Logan sighed "I let it get this far, we must leave, now." She grabbed my arm, and we took off down the hall. We kept going straight, not stopping. "LOGAN, STOP! We're about to run into a wall!" I screeched, but it was too late, we ran right into the wall.
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Senior Member
This is a very exciting tale I must say, meaning it's going great so far.
Is this perhaps loosely based on your real life? (not the serpent stuff, the high school stuff) it's seems so believeable

looking forwards to the next parts


Senior Member
Hi RainbowNerd

Below are a few comments that may help. I hope so.

Try not to use words ending in 'ly', such as dreafully and cheerfully. Let the writing give the description.

Also try and keep away from words such as 'I sighed' and 'I giggled' they tend to break the flow in the readers concentration. Use them very sparingly, 'I said' or 'He/She said' are far less intrusive.

' I hummed as I dusted ...' Consider something like ' I hummed, dusting . . .'

You also need to break your paragraphs up a bit more to distinguish different mini-scenes and actions.

Again, 'Quickly grabbed my food . . .' The quickly is not needed. Grabbed says it all. You don't grab slowly.

I like the way this piece is going and it holds my interest. I wonder what happens when you both meet the wall.

Good luck with the rest of it.



Senior Member
I agree with the breaking up of paragraphs, I was having trouble reading that last 'chapter' since it was one big block of text.

As for the 'chapter's, I don't think any of these individually qualify as chapters. All together it would be a pretty short chapter 1.

I'm GUESSING that you're heading toward what I call a 'misplaced adventurer' story, such as a 'Kid in King Arthur's Court' or whatnot where a modern day person gets catapulted either through time or space to a different time or fantasy realm. In that case, you have a somewhat unique main character for that situation.

I do have to note that 'Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful' by Keri Hilson is probably not a song to stand the test of time, and will date your book, if people even get the song reference in the first place