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The Scream Room (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
It was a room on the hilltop.
The architect got there, all the acoustics done,
but he kept a provision for a big window,
facing the chasm, in the crossing of two hill tops.
I had stopped wishing them on their birthdays,
my all dearones, all so loved to me.
It all used to feel so ironical, even of thinking about that,
Not a single one was left without deadly pain inside,
And I never saw them, cry in screams.
Last time when I look at myself in the mirror,
with all attention to my face.
My gosh, it had turned so cold, so white.
My grieving heart hadn't screamed for years.
So painstriken I was,
Didn't want anyone to have pity on me,
Few jealous ones, not to smile mockingly on me
And some with indifferent attitude,
didn't want to disturb their peace of life.
Just for all that, held my screams inside,
To freeze glaciers inside,
And visible over my face, to turn it, so cold, so white.
Enough was enough.
Felt for the need of a room on a hilltop, with all sound provision,
just according to my needs,
And when I would ever want my screams, to echo,
Hills would be there, to scream back with me.
Love to all, love to me.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Overall, I like this piece, I’ve left a few suggestions in line below for you, I feel that there is a little bit of awkward phrasing and a lack of punctuation in places. I also think it needs to be expanding narratively because there seems to be a rather big jump that feels a little blunt.

Hope this helps,

Cheers Syd




The architect got there all the acoustics done
I feel like you’re a bit of punctuation between there and all
but he kept a provision for a big window,
facing chasm, in the crossing of two hill tops. facing chasm is a odd phrasing are you missing “the?”
I had stopped wishing them on their birthdays,
my all dearones, all so loved to me.
It all used to feel so ironical, even of thinking about that,
Not a single one was left without deadly pain inside,
And I never saw them, cry in screams.
Last time when I look at myself in the mirror,
with all attention to my face.
My gosh, it had turned so cold, so white.
My grieving heart hadn't screamed since years. Since years feels like awkward phrasing
So painstriken I was,
Didnt want anyone to have pity on me, you’re missing punctuation on didn’t
Few jealous ones, not to smile mockingly on me
Few indifferent ones, didn't want to disturb their peace of life, the use of ones feels a little clumsy and the phrasing is awkward
Just for all that, held my screams inside,
To freeze glaciers inside,
And visible over my face, to turn it, so cold, so white.
Enough was enough.
A room on the hilltop, with all sound provision, I’m a little unsure how you get to this point, I feel like you need to lead the reader back to this room on the hilltop
just according to my needs,
And when I would ever want my screams, to echo,
Hills would be there, to scream back with me.
Love to all, love to me.
 
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