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The Rear View Mirror (1 Viewer)

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rookeless

Senior Member
I lock the door behind me. He watches from his car, smiling, and I'm scared.
I've never been one to do something so spontaneous in my life.

"We're both homebodies, aren't we?" I ask as I approach him, pulling my coat over my shoulders.

He shrugs. "Yeah."

"Then what the hell are we doing running away like this?"

He sighs and smiles sheepishly; it's kind of like the smile he gave me at graduation when I asked him what he was going to do with his life.
"It's not running away." he repeats for the thousandth time. He's said it so often at this point that I mouth along with him as I get into the passenger seat.
He smiles, but doesn't laugh.

He starts the car, and I start thinking; two months back, him and I had pretty shitty unfulfilled-corporate-loser lives.
Two months on, we were going on a full-blown road trip across the country to forget everything; and maybe, by a miracle, figure things out.

Not quite a victory to run from your problems, especially as adults in the 20's-30's in-between, I know. Only a week ago had he asked me if I wanted to take a break from everything, when we were both in the kitchen at one of our old high school friend's gatherings. Everybody else seemed happy...

Now, my dear friend is driving, and I don't have a clue what we're thinking.

As my house disappears from the rear view mirror, a subtle, unfamiliar mix of fear and anticipation fills my stomach. Lately I've been lacking a certain comfort - maybe that of a functional life - so my anxiety isn't foreign. The sun is setting, an almost menacing, fiery blood orange, and I'm making a habit of checking the mirror every couple seconds to see just how far away we're getting from what we've become so used to, trying to tell myself that we aren't running away, and not to think about all the things I'll have to face when I come back home.

"You eaten all day?" he asks.

He already knows the answer. "Not really."

"Didn't think so."

The tone of his voice tells me we're headed somewhere with food, and the feelings of worry subside ever so slightly.

"What'll happen when we go back?" I ask, firmly.

He shrugs again and glances at me. The you-think-I-know? look.

"Thanks for the reassurance."

"You trust me, don't you? You trust this?"

I heave a sigh, reluctantly, and shake my head in doubt, barely managing a weak smile.

"Sure."

And it's true; I trust him. I love him, in a weird sort of way. He's my friend. We've never been together or anything, and we probably never would, but it's the kind of love you can feel for any kind stranger you meet. I make the mistake of seeing the magic in everything and everyone sometimes, which was what landed me in my last train wreck of a relationship with a cheater, but yeah; my friend who's driving, that avoids the bumps in the road whilst I sleep shotgun and thinks all my lame jokes are funny, I love him.
So I sit, huddled up in my coat in his passenger seat, just watching him as he concentrates on the road. We catch each other's eyes for a second and smile for a little, but after that, he just stares straight ahead. I'm calm now, content even. I know that I'll be fine. Somehow, after all that chaos, watching him gives me that comfort I've been searching for; I don't even check the rear view mirror once.
 

Mariana

Senior Member
Nice story. I can’t comment on it as a romance though because the focus of it seems to be more on the girl who wants to run away from her life, rather than her relationship with her friend. What’s more she even says specifically that she’s not actually in a relationship with him and that her “love” for him is the love one can feel “for a stranger”. It sounds like their relationship could potentially grow into a real romance over time though but for that the story will have to shift its’ focus on both of them and how they relate to each other, rather than their individual problems.
 

JenHLewis

Senior Member
I lock the door behind me. He watches from his car, smiling, and I'm scared. (show dont tell... are your palms so sweaty and trembling you drop the keys?: is your throat constricted etc...)
I've never been one to do something so spontaneous in my life. Spontaneity is foreign to me

"We're both homebodies, aren't we?" I ask as I Slowly approach pulling my coat tight around my shoulders.

He shrugs.
"Yeah."

"Then what the hell are we doing running away like this?"

He sighs, smiling sheepishly; the same smile he mustered at graduation when I asked what he was going to do with his life.
"It's not running away." he repeats, I mouth along with him as I get into the passenger seat. this in itself signafies he has said this numerous time, you could loose the full sentence here.
He smiles, but doesn't laugh. (you have already said he smiles)

As the engines roars into life I realise only two months back, we had pretty shitty unfulfilled-corporate-loser lives but now, now we're going on a full-blown road trip to maybe, by some miracle, figure things out.

Not quite a victory to run from your problems, especially as adults in the 20's-30's in-between, I know. Only a week ago had he asked me if I wanted to take a break from everything, when we were both in the kitchen at one of our old high school friend's gatherings. Everybody else seemed happy... (Im not sure what this sentence is trying to achieve? Is it age placement? If so i would consider revising)

Now, my dear friend is driving, and I don't have a clue what we're thinking.(Incorporate how unsure she is into previous revised paragraph and you can loose this)

As my house disappears from the rear view mirror, a subtle, unfamiliar mix of fear and anticipation fills my stomach.(show dont tell.....what is happening to her stomach? does is drop, contract, do flips?) Lately I've been lacking a certain comfort - maybe that of a functional life - so my anxiety isn't foreign. The sun is setting, an almost (not sure about the word almost) menacing, fiery blood orange. Everything we know, everything we've become used to is diappearing over the horizon behind us. I must remember to keep telling myself that this is not running away, and i must not think about what I'll have to face when I come back home.

"You eaten today?" he asks

He already knows the answer.

"Not really."

"Didn't think so."

"What'll happen when we go back?" I ask, firmly.you have implied that she is nervous, scared even. Would she ask 'firmly'?

He shrugs again and glances at me. His you-think-I-know look.

"Thanks for the reassurance."

"You trust me, don't you?"

I heave a sigh, reluctantly, and shake my head in doubt, barely managing a weak smile.

"Sure." her answer contradicts her actions in your line above, would she be more likely to say "I dont know?" or would you change her actions?

And it's true; I trust him. I love him. He's my friend. Although we havent been romantically involved, and we probably never will, it's the kind of love you feel for a kind stranger. I know I'm prone to seeing the magic in everything and everyone, hence that last train wreck of a relationship, but here we are. Me and my friend who when driving, avoids the bumps in the road so I can sleep shotgun, who laughs at my lame jokes, and I love him for that.
I find myself watching him as he concentrates on the road huddled in my coat against the cold. We catch each other's eyes for a second but after that, he stares straight ahead.
I'm calm now, content even.(again show.....My heart slows, I drop the seat into a lean back position....) I know that I'll be fine. Somehow, after all that chaos, watching him gives me that comfort I've been searching for; I don't even check the rear view mirror once. (To make this more relevent i would add some more actions of your character checking the rear view mirror)

I really enjoyed this, but i think you have a bit more work to do to set the mood of the scene, is she worried? excited? Im not too sure. Set a bit more background. great start though
I have tried to give you more food for thought than actual lines.
Good luck with it
 

Radrook

Senior Member
As a reader you captured and held my attention.
To me that in itself is an accomplishment since the pressing difficulties of life makes it extremely hard for me to concentrate.
Found myself wondering about the details of these two individuals and wanting to read more.

Thanks for sharing!
 

LeX_Domina

Senior Member
This is excellent.I love the voice and emotions of the protagonist and the situation.It focuses more on her than the guy,and the breofness means that I can't get a feel of the romance as much as I would like.but it is a nice start.Something can definitely be built from this.Wording and diction is great too and you prvided just the right amount of background information without dragging it out and taking from the story or leaving it too vague
 
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