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The Reality Break (1 Viewer)

ladygarmadone17

Senior Member
Journey Into My Heart
The sad lonely little girl
Screams into silence
The spring spurts up
Words flow up
What’s up
Well what goes up
Must come down right?
Everything has its counterpart
Little Eye to eyes for an “oy vey”!
Little low for a mental motivation break
Reality check
All you know is an illusion
Think again
The things that can’t be explained
Why do you think they happen?

Extend your arm
Save me from grafted mind-trickery
Crafting My own reality
Save myself from this current entanglement
Lies that become whoppers at your local Burger King
Tell me why are they our rulers above all
That glitter you wear on your eyes and lips
Cutthroat this emptiness which beauty can’t reside
I need to escape which I cannot hide
In the grotesque future my lord provides
Praytell, why
Why Are you
Acting
Like
This?
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I rate this a lot. The way in which you articulate a sense of self doubt/self assessment is done in a universal way so that the reader almost takes on the role of the speaker.

I would perhaps remove the first line, for me that would open up the piece further.

Cheers

Syd
 

ladygarmadone17

Senior Member
Hello,

I rate this a lot. The way in which you articulate a sense of self doubt/self assessment is done in a universal way so that the reader almost takes on the role of the speaker.

I would perhaps remove the first line, for me that would open up the piece further.

Cheers

Syd

So is the piece being universal-self-doubt for you a good thing? Or no? :3

Thanks for the reply
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
I see it as a positive, because the writer has created something in which I as a reader have taken on the emotion of the speaker. Whether or not this was the author’s intent, it means the piece has layers and is able to eke a reaction out of the reader.

Cheers

Syd
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
Journey Into My Heart
The sad lonely little girl
Screams into silence
The spring spurts up
Words flow up
What’s up
Well what goes up
Must come down right?
Everything has its counterpart
Little Eye to eyes for an “oy vey”!
Little low for a mental motivation break
Reality check
All you know is an illusion
Think again
The things that can’t be explained
Why do you think they happen?

Extend your arm
Save me from grafted mind-trickery
Crafting My own reality
Save myself from this current entanglement
Lies that become whoppers at your local Burger King
Tell me why are they our rulers above all
That glitter you wear on your eyes and lips
Cutthroat this emptiness which beauty can’t reside
I need to escape which I cannot hide
In the grotesque future my lord provides
Praytell, why
Why Are you
Acting
Like
This?
It read to me like the forgotten part of self (the little girl) was getting angry and angrier...like she had so many frustrations, she couldn't keep it in anymore.
If I understood correctly, I can relate...I could feel the intensity
"Lies that become whoppers at your local Burger King" - Amazing line.
Thanks for sharing.
 
Last edited:

ladygarmadone17

Senior Member
It read to me like the forgotten part of self (the little girl) was getting angry and angrier...like she had so many frustrations, she couldn't keep it in anymore.
If I understood correctly, I can relate...I could feel the intensity
"Lies that become whoppers at your local Burger King" - Amazing line.
Thanks for sharing.

No problem, glad you guys liked it. [emoji3526]
 
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