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The Real Me. (1 Viewer)

knottla

Senior Member
Sat here staring at my computer screen,
the look on my face devoid of everything.
The keyboard is staying silent,
not a thought running through my head.


Could it be that I am lost,
unaware of where I want to be.
Perhaps it's time to break away.
Just to find the real me.
The real me.


This state of mind that's haunting me.
I don't understand how I got like this.
Perhaps the pain and ills I'm going through,
has caused my mind to close down.


Eventually I can see a light,
that screen is coming back to life.
My thoughts are slowly coming back.
That place I've been to,
I don't need in my life.


Now I know I'm not lost.
I'm aware of where I want to be.
Not the time to break away.
I've found the real me.
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
Hi, Knottla and welcome to WF.

This is the second poem of yours that I've read and I really like your optimistic vibe. You tackle some serious subjects but always manage to find a positive spin to end on.

As I read this one, it felt as though you are writing from dual perspectives - emotion and reason. As someone who likes to sense the feeling that has moved a poet to write, I go for emotion every time. So, for me, your poem would be stronger with the 'explanatory reasoning' taken out - a bit like this...

Sat here staring at my computer screen,
the look on my face devoid of everything.
The keyboard is staying silent,
not a thought running through my head.


Could it be that I am lost,
unaware of where I want to be.
Perhaps it's time to break away.
Just to find the real me.
The real me.


This state of mind that's haunting me.
I don't understand how I got like this.
Perhaps the pain and ills I'm going through,
has caused my mind to close down.



Eventually I can see a light,
that screen is coming back to life.
My thoughts are slowly coming back.
That place I've been to,
I don't need in my life.


Now I know I'm not lost.
I'm aware of where I want to be.
Not the time to break away.
I've found the real me.



Of course, this is just my personal opinion but I thought it might be useful to get a glimpse of a reader's reaction. Great to see you here and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

jen
 

knottla

Senior Member
jenthepen. Thank you for your observations of my poem. When I first wrote this, it was written as a song. I took a chorus out between verse 2 and 3. As a poem I can see your point about the use of a chorus, especially the last one, where all I'm doing is repeating more or less the last verse. The other 2 lines you've put a line through, again I'd written "I Don't understand how I got like this" so to do a bit of self analysing doesn't really need to be there. When I get an idea or inspiration into my head I have to work fast to write it down. I think I'm going to have to leave it once it's written down, and go back later and check it over in case it needs tweeking. Again thank you for your comments.
 
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