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The Quiet (1 Viewer)

AJ88

Member
Through the dark I hear everything,
for even quiet is just the sound of waiting.
Tomorrow will wake with a sober promise, but in my world promises are the wishes of children and my childhood is dead.
From my room I hear the car door slam,
The silence is broken now. The noise of my thoughts drowned by the all too familiar sound of stumbling footsteps.
I don’t hide from them. Nor do I allow them to see me.
I sit neither silent nor present. My thoughts provoked by the drunken ramblings as they draw closer to my door.
It’s only a matter of time now.
I watch as the beam of light underneath my door darkens.
My night is written.
My night was always written.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
Through the dark I hear everything,
for even quiet is just the sound of waiting.
Tomorrow will wake with a sober promise,
but in my world promises are the wishes
of children and my childhood is dead.

From my room I hear the car door slam,
The silence is broken now.
The noise of my thoughts drowned
by the all too familiar sound of stumbling footsteps.
I don’t hide from them.
Nor do I allow them to see me.

I sit neither silent nor present.
My thoughts provoked
by the drunken ramblings
as they draw closer to my door.
It’s only a matter of time now.
I watch as the beam of light underneath my door darkens.
My night is written.
My night was always written.

Poetry is as much above its visual aspects as it is about its content. Take advantage of the natural pauses, (places where you would pause for breath or a new idea or subject starts). Above, your piece, the only difference spacing. Finish a thought, a sentence, a clause, or a pause consider starting a new line instead of having odd tendrils reaching across the breadth of the page. Read aloud, it helps mot only with editing, but also in learning where your natural rhythm falls.

- D.
 

Just_Phil

Senior Member
Through the dark I hear everything,
for even quiet is just the sound of waiting.
Tomorrow will wake with a sober promise, but in my world promises are the wishes of children and my childhood is dead.
From my room I hear the car door slam,
The silence is broken now. The noise of my thoughts drowned by the all too familiar sound of stumbling footsteps.
I don’t hide from them. Nor do I allow them to see me.
I sit neither silent nor present. My thoughts provoked by the drunken ramblings as they draw closer to my door.
It’s only a matter of time now.
I watch as the beam of light underneath my door darkens.
My night is written.
My night was always written.
Howdy howdy. Be warned, I have no skill with poetry, but let's give this a shot... (forgive me, I dont know how to quote you and edit so had to copy and paste, my thoughts will be in parenthesis)

Through the dark I hear everything,
for even quiet is just the sound of waiting. (I'd like some imagery here, actual representations of the sound of waiting. Like the hollow sound of air flowing down an empty street, a car with an engine you aren't waiting for zooming past, leaves in the wind even lol)
Tomorrow will wake with a sober promise, but in my world promises are the wishes of children and my childhood is dead. (This is a personal preference, but the angst in this sentence takes me out of it. Maybe omit "but in my world" and just let the statement stand on its own merit)

From my room I hear the car door slam,
The silence is broken now. The noise of my thoughts drowned by the all too familiar sound of stumbling footsteps. (I think this segment from "from my room... stumbling footsteps" is a little wordy without weight. Again, I'd like imagery. "The silence broken by a car door, slam... all too familiar footsteps, stumble" or something. Evoke the imagery of the person coming, and remove all the filtering)
I don’t hide from them. Nor do I allow them to see me.

I sit neither silent nor present. My thoughts provoked by the drunken ramblings as they draw closer to my door. (Drunken ramblings is good but I'd like more words with sounds to fully break the silence, like keys tinkling or dropping etc)
It’s only a matter of time now. (I'd cut "now")
I watch as the beam of light underneath my door darkens. (Cut "I watch as the")
My night is written. (I'd say possibly cut this line)
My night was always written. (Deserves its own stanza, Elliot click right here)

I agree with the above about seperate stanzas too.

This made me remember the times I've waited for someone and the pacing had me in it. I'd like a little more pause in the beginning, maybe even reflection, to build up the tranquility to be smashed later, you know?

Good stuff though, nice flow and the rhyme was perfect without being over or under much. Thanks for sharing and hope something I said helps
 

tonsonenotany

Senior Member
I agree with @Just_Phil re: cutting the second-to-last line. The end will hit harder if you just move right to "my night was always written".

I like the first two lines, but I don't think you need the "for" at the beginning of the second. It just sounds a bit formal and doesn't add much for me.

Thanks for the post!
 
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