A friend needed a scene involving a poker game, but didn't have any dialogue. So, I wrote this up on the fly
[disc:5e04f1e6b2]Mild cussing and the like[/disc:5e04f1e6b2]
The Poker Game
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. TOM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Five men (CAM, MIKE, BRENT, and CHRIS) sit around a poker table. Mike is talking on a cell phone. TOM enters, carrying a tray of hors d'ouvres.
TOM
Dinner is served boys. Thank you, thank you, hold your applause.
Everyone looks at the tray as he sets it on a nearby table.
CHRIS
Why can't you just put a bowl of pretzels nearby like everyone else?
TOM
Because that would suck. How about some appreciation you bastard?
CHRIS
Easy Betty, the snacks look good. Can we ante now?
CAM
Hell yeah, someone's feelin' lucky baby-
Brent cuts him off.
BRENT
You're right, I am feeling pretty lucky. Oh, you meant you? Ha! You haven't won a hand in... Jesus man, have you ever won?
CAM
I won with your mom.
BRENT
Nice. Your mighty comeback was a "yo momma" joke? Lame, just lame.
CHRIS
Yeah man, complete lack of effort.
MIKE
(Pulling the cell phone from his ear)
Pitiful.
He goes back to talking.
CHRIS
Damn it man, cut the cord.
Chris makes a grab for the phone but is slapped away.
CHRIS
(Yelling at the phone)
Mike has to go grow a penis now, he'll call back later!
MIKE
What? Yeah, that was Chris. Okay. Pulls the phone from his ear.
MIKE
(To Chris)
Cheryl says hi.
CHRIS
(To the phone)
Go die. I mean, good-bye.
BRENT
Okay, okay, enough. Who's deal?
TOM
Mine.
Tom shuffles and deals the cards.
CAM
I bet a quarter.
MIKE
Call.
CHRIS
You mean "call back". Hang up you sissy. Raise a quarter.
BRENT
Call.
TOM
Fold.
CAM
Damn man. I raise another quarter.
BRENT
I call, since Cam's bluffing.
CAM
Shut up man!
BRENT
Oh please, you haven't had a good hand since- have you ever had a good hand?
CHRIS
Here it comes.
CAM
From your mom.
BRENT
Oh my god you're such a tool.
MIKE
(Pulls the phone away)
Still lame.
TOM
Alright, we good? Show us the cards.
CAM
Pair of sixes.
CHRIS
Two jacks.
BRENT
Two queens, just like you guys. Pay up, suckers.
TOM
I'm getting up, anyone need a drink?
BRENT
Cripes, you just sat down!
TOM
Man's gotta drink. Anyone else?
CHRIS
Grab me a coke, will ya?
CAM
Hey, what do you think's a good meal to cook for a date?
CHRIS
Holy hell, when's the last time you had a date?
Cam looks at Brent.
BRENT
You say it and I'll pound you.
CAM
This girl in my building, I'm thinking of asking her over, ya know?
CHRIS
I don't think it matters as long as it can be eaten with a spoon.
CAM
What?
CHRIS
Well, you don't want to have to reinflate her do you?
Chris and Brent laugh.
CAM
Dick.
CHRIS
Yeah, but at least I'm good at it. Seriously though, you've got to be careful what you cook for this chick.
BRENT
How bad could it be?
CHRIS
Well, she could be allergic, for starters. Include a strawberry in dessert and she's that blue kid from Willy Wonka. (Directing at Mike) Hell she could be allergic to everything like certain psychotic people.
MIKE
Hey, she's only got to stay away from meat, wheat, gluten and dairy.
CHRIS AND BRENT
Everything.
Tom comes back with drinks.
MIKE
Coke for Chris, Blue for Brent and a lame, I mean, lemonade for Cam.
MIKE
What about me?
TOM
Nothing for you until you get off the phone with your bitter half.
CHRIS
Don't you mean-
TOM
No.
MIKE
(Into the phone)
What? Oh nothing, I think they're making fun of Cam.
CHRIS
Good call. Alright Tom, since you're the expert on being a gracious host, what do you suggest for our boy Cam. He wants to cook for his date.
Tom laughs
TOM
Cam's got a date?
CHRIS
Yeah, we've already bled that one dry, you were in the kitchen.
TOM
Did anyone ask if she was real?
CHRIS
Yeah, like I said, it's been used up.
TOM
Who's mom was it?
CHRIS
Brent's I think.
TOM
Alright Cam, the thing you want to ask yourself is, what do you want this girl to think about you?
CAM
What do you mean?
TOM
Well, the food someone eats can mean a lot when it comes to how you live. If you make her chicken fingers, let's say, it means that you don't put a lot of effort into work and you didn't go to much trouble for her.
BRENT
Yeah, and if you make burgers or something, you probably make decisions for others. How well done they want it, what they have on it. You don't even know if she likes red meat.
CAM
Geez, I was nervous before. What should I make?
CHRIS
Well, if you wanted to give her an accurate view of your life, it'd either be fast food of bologne and string cheese. But, I think it'd be a better idea to, you know, impress her.
BRENT
Yeah, so that means no pre-made packaged dinners either. They can sniff that stuff out.
CAM
So what about, say, pasta?
Chris and Brent both wince.
BRENT
No way.
CHRIS
Kiss o' death.
CAM
Why?
CHRIS
Think about it. Pasta is the only thing that people try to make look fancy but in the end is just sauce on top of boiled noodles. It's usually a last minute thing or if you're lazy.
MIKE
Cheryl says she wants to tell you what'd impress her.
CHRIS
Animal Sacrifice?
BRENT
Ritual bloodletting?
MIKE
No, smartass. Ceaser salad on the side of pork chops.
CHRIS
She's Jewish!
MIKE
Nah, she's into looking into becoming a Mormon.
BRENT AND TOM
What?
CHRIS
Since when? Nevermind. I don't even care.
CAM
Guys? Still need some help here.
CHRIS
She was onto something with the salad. I'm thinking a side Ceaser with something simple on the side. You could do the pasta thing and not have to worry about if she's (directing at Mike) a goddamn vegan!
Mike looks at Chris.
MIKE
Sorry hon, I've got to go. No, I love you more. No you hang up. No you. No you.
Chris grabs the phone and hangs it up.
MIKE
What the hell?
CHRIS
Dude, she's got your balls in a vice and you're the only one that doesn't know. Probably because you haven't seen them in a month or so.
MIKE
You're just mad 'cause she's your ex!
CHRIS
I'm mad because you guys told me for months to chop her off at the wrist, and then when I finally do, you jump at the chance to let her run your life.
MIKE
She doesn't run my life!
BRENT
She's insane.
TOM
She's like a one-woman cult.
CAM
I think if I look right at her she can take my soul.
MIKE
Oh come on now, she isn't that bad.
CHRIS
Yeah, if you look at her cross-eyed and she doesn't speak. What are you thinking?
MIKE
Maybe I just understand her the way you couldn't.
CHRIS
Oh my god! The only thing I didn't understand was how she found the time to dream up new things to bitch about. Everything's a damn crusade!
TOM
Hey guys, are we going to play or what?
BRENT
Yeah, sure, I'll ante my spine. Mike's out since he can't call.
MIKE
You too?
BRENT
Come on, Chris's right. Me, Tom and Cam each tried to have a monthly intervention about this broad. She's bad news.
MIKE
Tom?
TOM
I just figure that a year from now when you're looking back and thinking "what the hell?" Don't come crying to us.
MIKE
Cam?
CAM
She's scary man. I don't even like her in the same house.
MIKE
Well hell.
CHRIS
Tell you what. If you want to see her, that's cool, it's your life. But, see her on your time, not ours. If you're hanging out with us, the cell's turned off, you dig?
MIKE
My cell? C'mon, that's a bit extreme, no?
CHRIS
No. I hear her voice and my stomache cranks. It's like Pavlov's dog, but with a psychotic woman instead of a bone.
MIKE
Alright- I don't know how she's going to take it though.
BRENT
Are you insane?
CHRIS
You're going to tell her?
CAM
I can see it now. "Mike was a good friend."
CHRIS
Those are the breaks dude. She damn-near killed my friendship with you guys and she's not getting in again.
MIKE
Well, I guess if that's the way everyone feel-
ALL
Yup.
MIKE
Ok then. Who's deal?
CHRIS
Mine.
[disc:5e04f1e6b2]Mild cussing and the like[/disc:5e04f1e6b2]
The Poker Game
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. TOM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Five men (CAM, MIKE, BRENT, and CHRIS) sit around a poker table. Mike is talking on a cell phone. TOM enters, carrying a tray of hors d'ouvres.
TOM
Dinner is served boys. Thank you, thank you, hold your applause.
Everyone looks at the tray as he sets it on a nearby table.
CHRIS
Why can't you just put a bowl of pretzels nearby like everyone else?
TOM
Because that would suck. How about some appreciation you bastard?
CHRIS
Easy Betty, the snacks look good. Can we ante now?
CAM
Hell yeah, someone's feelin' lucky baby-
Brent cuts him off.
BRENT
You're right, I am feeling pretty lucky. Oh, you meant you? Ha! You haven't won a hand in... Jesus man, have you ever won?
CAM
I won with your mom.
BRENT
Nice. Your mighty comeback was a "yo momma" joke? Lame, just lame.
CHRIS
Yeah man, complete lack of effort.
MIKE
(Pulling the cell phone from his ear)
Pitiful.
He goes back to talking.
CHRIS
Damn it man, cut the cord.
Chris makes a grab for the phone but is slapped away.
CHRIS
(Yelling at the phone)
Mike has to go grow a penis now, he'll call back later!
MIKE
What? Yeah, that was Chris. Okay. Pulls the phone from his ear.
MIKE
(To Chris)
Cheryl says hi.
CHRIS
(To the phone)
Go die. I mean, good-bye.
BRENT
Okay, okay, enough. Who's deal?
TOM
Mine.
Tom shuffles and deals the cards.
CAM
I bet a quarter.
MIKE
Call.
CHRIS
You mean "call back". Hang up you sissy. Raise a quarter.
BRENT
Call.
TOM
Fold.
CAM
Damn man. I raise another quarter.
BRENT
I call, since Cam's bluffing.
CAM
Shut up man!
BRENT
Oh please, you haven't had a good hand since- have you ever had a good hand?
CHRIS
Here it comes.
CAM
From your mom.
BRENT
Oh my god you're such a tool.
MIKE
(Pulls the phone away)
Still lame.
TOM
Alright, we good? Show us the cards.
CAM
Pair of sixes.
CHRIS
Two jacks.
BRENT
Two queens, just like you guys. Pay up, suckers.
TOM
I'm getting up, anyone need a drink?
BRENT
Cripes, you just sat down!
TOM
Man's gotta drink. Anyone else?
CHRIS
Grab me a coke, will ya?
CAM
Hey, what do you think's a good meal to cook for a date?
CHRIS
Holy hell, when's the last time you had a date?
Cam looks at Brent.
BRENT
You say it and I'll pound you.
CAM
This girl in my building, I'm thinking of asking her over, ya know?
CHRIS
I don't think it matters as long as it can be eaten with a spoon.
CAM
What?
CHRIS
Well, you don't want to have to reinflate her do you?
Chris and Brent laugh.
CAM
Dick.
CHRIS
Yeah, but at least I'm good at it. Seriously though, you've got to be careful what you cook for this chick.
BRENT
How bad could it be?
CHRIS
Well, she could be allergic, for starters. Include a strawberry in dessert and she's that blue kid from Willy Wonka. (Directing at Mike) Hell she could be allergic to everything like certain psychotic people.
MIKE
Hey, she's only got to stay away from meat, wheat, gluten and dairy.
CHRIS AND BRENT
Everything.
Tom comes back with drinks.
MIKE
Coke for Chris, Blue for Brent and a lame, I mean, lemonade for Cam.
MIKE
What about me?
TOM
Nothing for you until you get off the phone with your bitter half.
CHRIS
Don't you mean-
TOM
No.
MIKE
(Into the phone)
What? Oh nothing, I think they're making fun of Cam.
CHRIS
Good call. Alright Tom, since you're the expert on being a gracious host, what do you suggest for our boy Cam. He wants to cook for his date.
Tom laughs
TOM
Cam's got a date?
CHRIS
Yeah, we've already bled that one dry, you were in the kitchen.
TOM
Did anyone ask if she was real?
CHRIS
Yeah, like I said, it's been used up.
TOM
Who's mom was it?
CHRIS
Brent's I think.
TOM
Alright Cam, the thing you want to ask yourself is, what do you want this girl to think about you?
CAM
What do you mean?
TOM
Well, the food someone eats can mean a lot when it comes to how you live. If you make her chicken fingers, let's say, it means that you don't put a lot of effort into work and you didn't go to much trouble for her.
BRENT
Yeah, and if you make burgers or something, you probably make decisions for others. How well done they want it, what they have on it. You don't even know if she likes red meat.
CAM
Geez, I was nervous before. What should I make?
CHRIS
Well, if you wanted to give her an accurate view of your life, it'd either be fast food of bologne and string cheese. But, I think it'd be a better idea to, you know, impress her.
BRENT
Yeah, so that means no pre-made packaged dinners either. They can sniff that stuff out.
CAM
So what about, say, pasta?
Chris and Brent both wince.
BRENT
No way.
CHRIS
Kiss o' death.
CAM
Why?
CHRIS
Think about it. Pasta is the only thing that people try to make look fancy but in the end is just sauce on top of boiled noodles. It's usually a last minute thing or if you're lazy.
MIKE
Cheryl says she wants to tell you what'd impress her.
CHRIS
Animal Sacrifice?
BRENT
Ritual bloodletting?
MIKE
No, smartass. Ceaser salad on the side of pork chops.
CHRIS
She's Jewish!
MIKE
Nah, she's into looking into becoming a Mormon.
BRENT AND TOM
What?
CHRIS
Since when? Nevermind. I don't even care.
CAM
Guys? Still need some help here.
CHRIS
She was onto something with the salad. I'm thinking a side Ceaser with something simple on the side. You could do the pasta thing and not have to worry about if she's (directing at Mike) a goddamn vegan!
Mike looks at Chris.
MIKE
Sorry hon, I've got to go. No, I love you more. No you hang up. No you. No you.
Chris grabs the phone and hangs it up.
MIKE
What the hell?
CHRIS
Dude, she's got your balls in a vice and you're the only one that doesn't know. Probably because you haven't seen them in a month or so.
MIKE
You're just mad 'cause she's your ex!
CHRIS
I'm mad because you guys told me for months to chop her off at the wrist, and then when I finally do, you jump at the chance to let her run your life.
MIKE
She doesn't run my life!
BRENT
She's insane.
TOM
She's like a one-woman cult.
CAM
I think if I look right at her she can take my soul.
MIKE
Oh come on now, she isn't that bad.
CHRIS
Yeah, if you look at her cross-eyed and she doesn't speak. What are you thinking?
MIKE
Maybe I just understand her the way you couldn't.
CHRIS
Oh my god! The only thing I didn't understand was how she found the time to dream up new things to bitch about. Everything's a damn crusade!
TOM
Hey guys, are we going to play or what?
BRENT
Yeah, sure, I'll ante my spine. Mike's out since he can't call.
MIKE
You too?
BRENT
Come on, Chris's right. Me, Tom and Cam each tried to have a monthly intervention about this broad. She's bad news.
MIKE
Tom?
TOM
I just figure that a year from now when you're looking back and thinking "what the hell?" Don't come crying to us.
MIKE
Cam?
CAM
She's scary man. I don't even like her in the same house.
MIKE
Well hell.
CHRIS
Tell you what. If you want to see her, that's cool, it's your life. But, see her on your time, not ours. If you're hanging out with us, the cell's turned off, you dig?
MIKE
My cell? C'mon, that's a bit extreme, no?
CHRIS
No. I hear her voice and my stomache cranks. It's like Pavlov's dog, but with a psychotic woman instead of a bone.
MIKE
Alright- I don't know how she's going to take it though.
BRENT
Are you insane?
CHRIS
You're going to tell her?
CAM
I can see it now. "Mike was a good friend."
CHRIS
Those are the breaks dude. She damn-near killed my friendship with you guys and she's not getting in again.
MIKE
Well, I guess if that's the way everyone feel-
ALL
Yup.
MIKE
Ok then. Who's deal?
CHRIS
Mine.
